If I had the guts...

Dear father,
I hope you get this, I know you dont check your email very often, but this I hope you recieve and read. I'm not sure how this email will unfold, it has a purpose... and that purpose is to be honest. You see dad, I know you're my dad, and you always will be, and I know you do things for the greater good, and I guess in that way I'm exactly like you. I dont think I've been this honest with you since 6th grade when I asked you to quit the military, because I longed for our closeness, for us to be a closer daughter and father, because secretly, every daughter longs for a bond with her father. And this is another one of those honest times dad.
I've been longing for us to have a relationship where I tell you things, without fearing what you'll think of me. I've always wanted to live up to the daughter you want me to be, but I realized I dont have to be that daughter, I can be the daughter I am, and hopefully you'll except me. Maybe you could see that I do what I do, because it's for my greater good, and because deep inside, I'm a great person, you just have to get passed all the things I do, and trust me in the things that I do, that there's a good reason behind them.
Dad, I'm a very mature teenager. Courses of events have happend to ensure that I am mature. I understand many things, Mom and don, come to ME for advice, because I'm very mature, and smart. I can comprehend the deepest aspects of things. I'm a better person than you may realize dad. I understand that you dont live with me, so you dont see me everyday, and you dont realize these things about me, because along with these things about me, comes certain things you dont like about me. As I grow older, the more I feel like having these conversations with you, the more I want you to know, because I want you to see my deeper image.
I'll always be your little girl, and you'll always be my daddy. And because of that, I try so hard to be the little girl you want me to be, but also dad I'm a strong woman. I have beliefs and boundaries. I can handle most things people my age can't. I'm not always proud of being so mature, because sometimes I wish I could be a little girl again, without a care or worrie in the world. But overall, I love who I am, and I want you to, too. So there's things I'd like to tell you.
I've got a tattoo, that I got Oct. 31st 2008. Mom supported it, because she knows it's something important to me, it's something that symbolizes manythings in my life. Many moments and hardships. Not to mention, my favorite movie. It's Simba and timone from The Lion King, and it says Hakuna Matata "No worries". Haha. It's very important to me, I even drew it. It's not going to cause conflict with what I want to do in my life, I made sure I wouldnt get it in a spot that would cause trouble in my later years trying to get a job, it's on my shoulder blade, It's very pretty. I love it. There's also one more reason as to why I'm telling you about this tattoo, besides the fact that I'm being honest. You see, I dont plan on having many more tattoos, just one to symbolize you, and mommy. But the thing is, I dont want just any tattoo to represent you. One day when you pass away, I want to get your bird somewhere. Ever since I was little I've been fascinated by that tattoo, it's so beautiful, and peaceful. I still love it now, it's my favorite tattoo of yours. So if it's possible, I'd like a picture, or a drawing of it. One day soon.
Also, another thing is I plan on graduating early. So I can get a jump start on my life. High school isn't really my thing.... I've tried hard, and I've worked hard, but honestly I just wanna get out of there, and start on the path to my life, let my life unfold. Also, it's a good choice for me, because the careers I'm considering are going to mean quite a few years in college. For example, my first choice is a Pediatrician, then a Physical Therapist, and a phsycologist. The minors I've considered are art, and journalism/writer. Because like you know, I love to write, and I love all kinds of art. I know this is a lot of planning dad. But when it comes to my life, I'm not going to screw around, I'll make mistakes, because people always do, but I wanna make sure I get what I'm capable of, and what I know I deserve, becaue I want to look back on my life one day, and say that I was really happy in the life I created for myself. So, when I follow through with graduating early, I should be going to summer school this year for english [summer '09]. But I'll work in seeing you, because no matter what you're my father, and I love seeing you.
Also, another thing you should know, probably the biggest issue you'll have, is I'm dating this guy named Kevin, and he is older than me, he's 19. I didn't know when I met him that he was 19, and after talking to him, and him telling me, I was kind of shocked, but I already liked him, and all things considered, it didn't really matter to me anymore, because I realize, age doesnt matter. If he means so much to me, then I'm going to love him for who he is to me. Since, [like i stated early] I'm so mature, his age doesnt conflict with me at all, it's not too much. Because honestly, guys my age, are imature, and silly, and I want someone who understands me. Understands that I want to have a serious conversation, that I want to have a serious relationship. Someone who understands that, yeah, not all relationships last forever, but if they do you get lucky and you're dating that person, so that maybe oneday you will be with them forever, and maybe you'll get married, but then again, you might not. All you can do is hope, and it'll turn out how it was intended. I love Kevin, yes I'm 16 dad,and that's a big statement, but I'm perfectly capable of it. Yes, I may love him more later in life, [if that's whats intended] when I'm older and capable of more love than I am now, and I learn more of love then, but of what I'm capable as of right now, I love him, and that's how it is.
Those are the 3 main things I wanted to tell you, and I'm sure that from these three things you learned a lot about me. Which is what this email was supposed to do, because dad, I just wanna have an honest, loving, judgemental free, relationship with you. I want you to accept me for who I am, and who I will be.
I love you father.
I love you so much.
-Kayla.

Poem

Just hold me in your arms
Long enough
For me to believe your bluff

I know what's going to happen
You know it's true.
I know it's going to happen,
Even if I believe in you.

If you fall in love again.
I'll still be your friend
Even if it kills me,
I'm here until the end.

You hurt me too

I understand it hurts you,
It hurts me too
More than I let on
because since he's been here.
You've been gone.

If I'm the only thing keeping you here
Dont shed another tear
Dont worry you can leave
even if it kills me

If I dont make you happy
If I'm not good enough anymore
then get off your bed,
and get yourself out the door
I wont make you stay anymore

If he's all you want
and he's all you need
Dont worry about me
I've always been fine
when I'm lonely.
It's okay
You'll always be my mommy

Y'know

When you walk in the door,
if it were possible
my jaw would drop to the floor.

Haha.
little poem I wrote.
Things have been going good lately.
My boyfriend's completely perfect.
My friend Jessica finally got a boyfriend herself,
Ha. I kissed her, it was just one of those moments.
I think I'm going to figure things out between
a person and myself because we've went through hard times.
I think I'm willing to forget,
but am I willing to forgive.
I suppose we'll find out.
Even if she rips my heart out.

I hate when you're so sad.
I just wanna hold you,
Help you get your life back.

I want you to be content,
because if needed,
it's my love you can rent.
but please take my love,
and use it to it's extent,
becuase you happy...
is my love well spent.

I can show you the world... shinning shimmering splendid.

Your quiet eyes
Your over stressed sighs.
I understand,
I'm tired of your lies.

You're upset I can tell
There went my last wish
[for you and me]
down the wishing well

You're so far away
I love you more everyday
but if you dont love me back,
I just have one more thing to say:
I'm not wasting my life away.

I'm not the one that you want