Oh you.

I've used you as a crutch for so long,
that i cant tell what I feel.
I feel like I'm in love with you,
I feel like I need you.
I feel like I'd do better without you around,
but I just cant leave you,
and when you leave me, i feel like I'm dying,
and i feel the need to text you,
and keep you around.
i'm torn in two on what to do.
Keep you, leave you,
Bad, and good.
Situations.
Decisions.
Smiles.
Memories.
Tears.
Which to choose?
I miss you.
And in some way, I love you.

I'm finding it hard to breath
I just wanna fall asleep
I wanna curl up
and push you away from me
I've let you so far in
I'm retreating again
Even after you moved away
I cant go on this way
Tell me again, again.
Tell me you love me, my friend.
Saige Boilanger, please dont let it end.

I dreamt you back into my life last night.

And it felt amazing.

Dream:
I was at school, during lunch,and apparently you still went there.
We werent really on talking terms, but we didnt start shit everyday either. So standing in the lunch line, You're standing behind me, I can feel I was super nervous about it. Then suddenly the lights went out, and everyone was super happy, because we could go home, since they stayed out. You got scared, not really scared, just nervous. You're dad couldnt pick you up, and you just moved outta your moms, so she wasnt really talking to you either. So you tap me on the shoulder "how're you getting home?" I say "Jesse Tudini, He's having people over. I'm sure you can come" To your dismay you said "okay, sure." So we stop talking that's the end of our conversation.
Later, after going to your locker and stuff, you find me and grab my shoulder "so, how's this working?" I say "just come this way, he's giving us all a ride, it might be a bit crowded." "Who's all of us?" "Uhm, Justin, David Neff, His gf emily, Nina, and Doyle." Your eyes go wide "Y'know... i'm just gonna get a ride home" "lexi, don't worry about it. we all understand that you dont really wanna be friends with us, and you just wanna go home, so, you dont have to talk, and we'll try our best to make things not so uncomfortable." "fuck, alright." So you get in the car and squeeze between Nina and I. You dont seem to happy, but i knew you wouldnt be. But i was hoping it was a working progress.
Arriving at jesse's, this part gets hazy.
But my friend Haylee was there, and i was talking to her about how nervous i was. So walking to this restroom, i passed a room, with a single matress, and i saw you sitting and texting, so i passed, contemplating, i turned back around and stood at the door "can, i um, come in?" and you look up with this unsure look on your face between fear, anger, and surprise. So I took a leap, and sat next to you. Nervous i didnt no where to begin but i started with "i'm sorry you're in this position, i know its not really the best, and of all people, here with me." and you say "its fine, i'd just prefer you dont talk to me". So i get up and i walk to the door and turn my head around before leaving, and i remember this speech so clearly:
"Look, i know we fell out. I know i'm to blame.
but i've always loved you, and i havent stopped.
And i cant say that for everyone in your life,
and i'm sorry that i'm like those people who have
hurt you, but there's a difference between them and I,
I wont stop loving you, and i wont stop trying, until
I'm convinced i've done all i can to make it better.
And why is that, because i love you, regardless"
later i find you sitting on jesse's couch and everyone's doing whatever, and you pat the seat beside you, and i take your hand before sitting and i say something along the lines of "i've never been so sorry in my life" and you said "you're nowhere close to being forgiven yet." So i said 'yeah, i understand, but its a step" and examining our hands, i smiled at you, and you actually smiled back.
then i woke up to my puppy biting my face.
Upon falling back to sleep:
Standing in your house, at your moms, making cookies, with my mom. We all stood there, and we helped and helped, then you walked in the door from school, and you
hugged me tightly, and we ran to your room.
Woke up.

These dreams they haunt me all the time.
I suppose I really just, dont mind.

"There is no pain you are receding"

Its been awhile

So I'm gonna do this simply.

New puppy
call him Benji or Noah?
Phone, broke.
Drawing portraits, sucks.
New Laptop for christmas, thanks dad.
No money to buy presents, make it work.
My puppy, attached to me.
No sleep.
itchy throat.
Stressed.
Upset stomach.
Puke.
Shows.
I cry at them.
Best friends, they fight.
Lexi, never far from my mind.
Kevin, cant get to his mind.
Saige, I miss you, man.
Twitter-annoying.
Mom, our last christmas together.
California, warm.
Being a senior, obnoxious, annoying, hard.
Weed, need it.
Pixie sticks, ew, they're all orange.
Isaac, talking to me on myspace.
Andrew, messaged me?
Nina, wants to hang out. <3
Us 4, would never be the same.
Haylee.
Ashley.
Jessica.
Blisters.
Upset a lot.
Nick and Norah's infinte playlist, thanks.
Presents.
Whining.
Annoyed.
Tyler Ingram, Mr. Heros.
Magical internet?
Benji, ooorrr Noah?!!?
red fingernails.
Drunk.
12:34.
Late nights.
"we're just two lost souls,
swimming in a fish bowl, year after year"
"there is no pain, you are receding"
Anime club.
The resevoir.
Senior Pictures.
SAT, ACT.
Graduations soon.
Failing grades, workin on it.
Driving.
Krystal.
Andrea.
Amanda.
Sydney.
Kritika.
Amber Angle.
Libby Shaffner, I miss you.
Best friend-suicidal
Lil Marty.
Alex Legra.
Ben Copeland.
Jon Sprouse.
Saige Boilanger...
Brandon Caldwell.
Logan Paone.
9th grade math class, Mrs. Harp.
Summer (ugh. she's in my science class)
Cody Eagen, I wanna punch you.
Aaron Williams, wowww.
Now i'm upset.
K, bye.