Shoot out the lights.

"City lights the water as the snow forgets the sky
And we're staring at the bridges just like every other night

We've been watching for a miracle
We're praying for a sign
When the cure is made of poison then it's hard to rest your eyes

If it's time
Oh
Lord
Shoot out the lights
Shoot out the lights

Heavens shake with anger and the clouds
They curse the ground
And I'm screaming for an answer but the darkness blinds me now

We will not survive on misery
We will fill ourselves with love
We are searching
We are hopeful
We are anything but lost

I see the stars in black and white
And I pray to God most every night
(Shoot out the lights)"


This pain inside me it grows.
You've built me up,
and broke me down.
I'm crying, I'm crawling,
You've broke me.
Like i always hoped and had faith,
that you wouldn't.
I expected it from everyone else,
but never from you.

You scream at me,
"FUCK YOU"
I scream at you,
"I LOVE YOU!"
This is no way to live,
this is no way to be,
You hate me,
You love me.
You loath me,
you adore me.
Make up your mind,
and fight for me.
I fight for you,
I let down my walls,
I've been vulnerable
I've been hurting these past few months.
Hurt for me,
let down your walls for me.
Change yourself for me,
Because i'll change for you,
I have changed,
I've changed into you,
and you don't like it,
not at all do you?
Now you see why i get so
upset with you?
What i've done to you,
Who i've been to you,
is who you've been to me.
Don't like it?
I'm sorry, I dont like it either.
IT FUCKING HURTS, DOESNT IT?!
I dont like you right now,
and you sure as hell dont like me.
I LOVE YOU, by god, oh my, how i do love you,
but i dont like what your doing,
how you're treating me,
how disrespectful you are of me.
and you dont like the same things
about me.
What a coincidence huh?

You gotta fix yourself,
and I've gotta fix me.
Wanna fix us?
WE have to fix us?
Is it worth it to you?
Show me, because i'll show you,
if you give me the chance,
if you LET ME IN,
I will show you.
But i have not the strength to
keep trying, if you keep fighting.
Just let me in,
like i've let you in,
it hurts, pain hurts,
but its part of a relationship,
and we cant have one,
if you wont allow it.

K.
Thanks.

Wow

Thanks you.
Thanks, to you too.
Thanks for being honest.
Thanks for being an ass.
Thanks for saying "fuck your girlfriend"
Thanks for not really caring.
Thanks for giving me things, i can get from others.
Thanks for EVERYTHING.
THANKS EVERYONE.

I wanna start doing shit for myself.
I've done so much for others,
when will i realize,
that people are just taking advantage of me.
FOR REAL?!
I'm sick of hurting MYSELF.
Taking peoples shit, hurting myself.
Not being honest with myself, hurting myself.
Not doing what i know is right for me, hurting myself.
You may think I'm stupid, I'm not.
I know what's really going on, and thanks.
You think i hate you,
I dont. Sorry for making you out to be a bad person.
I'm so sick of pretending to be this person i'm not.
Since when have i EVER put up with this much.
Since when did i CHANGE? Its stopping.
I wanna figure myself out,
and i need to.
Please, just let me.

Dear mom

I'm glad i disappoint you.
I'm glad i've failed you.
I'm glad i hurt you,
and ashame you.
and etc etc..

Not!

This past week has been the worst of my life
from thinking i'm pregnant to making my mom
want to commit suicide, and her screaming it
in my face as she tells me how much i've failed
her. and how much "my daughter isn't my daugter
anymore" And so on so on.
My already extremely low confidence in myself,
cant take the pain you're putting on it.
There's nothing worse, than being a failure to
your mom.
Than to know, that she thinks you literally dont
give a shit. That I dont appreciate the things
she does. Or that I'm a horrible daughter.
And all i'm gonna do in the next year of my life
is screw over everyone in it.
Thanks. Thanks alot.
Out of all people to hear it from,
I never thought i'd hear it from my own mom.
It's a reality check.
And it hurts like a bitch.

"Why do i stay here kayla, do you know why i stay?"
"no.."
"FOR YOU! I'm so fucking unhappy, and i stay here,
to make you happy... And what do i get?! If it weren't
for you, I'd be in alabama. Livin the life. A three
bedroom house, with a man who loves me! if it werent
for you!"
Thanks mom, I'm glad I'm such a burden on you, it
feels great it really does.

"Why are you graduating early, because your dad
and i paid for it, and what's our reward? you
running off to california with kevin. Great. Nice
to know you fucking care so damn much. If you wanna
run off with kevin. GO do it now. Leave! I dont give
a damn."
Woww. Okaay. If only she could hear my answer to the
question "Why are you graduating early"... My answer
every single fucking time... is:
"Because mom and don got divorced, and i want my mom
to be happy, and i dont want to hold her here for much
longer. Because she promised she'd stay here, until i
graduated, and she wants to be with her boyfriend, who
makes her really happy, and if i move out sooner,
the sooner she can leave, and she'll be happy too. Because
she deserves it."
and everytime i tell someone that they say
to me:
"No man is more important to your mom than you,
she's probably more than happy to stay with you"
Ha wow, i guess not.
Sorry mom.

All I've ever done, is just stand there
and i take it, and i take it,
and i take it, and take it.
and then.. when she leaves the room,
I bawl my eyes out.
There's no one i care more for than my own
mother,
and everyone in my life KNOWS that.
I'm just young, and i do things, and i'm out
and about,
sorry if that makes you wanna commit suicide,
because you think i dont care.
Sorry for failing you.
Sorry for going to school, and trying to get good grades.
Sorry for being an overall good child.
I love you too.

There's new things on my agenda

You-
Talk to you, see you more, fix whatever is wrong with us,
something happened, i dont know where, I dont know when.
but i want you to talk to me about what's deep inside you,
that bothers you most. I wanna try to see your more often,
regardless of our circumstances, and what's going on in our
lifes, as we carry on, i wanna carry on with you.

You-
I want to be your best friend, I wanna be able to trust you.
I want life to throw us things, and be able to get through.
You've hurt me so much, but its not just you, its me, if only
I could get passed somethings, and trust that you love me..

You-
I dont like thinking about you. I want you to go away.
You're past being my best friend. You're so cute, and so
adorable, and the you i knew was so nice. I dont understand
why things had to go this way. I miss you all the time, you're
always on my mind, so much, that its not even right.

You-
I dont get to see you much either, but i partied with you
the other day, "your long brown hair and your big blue eyes
i'm thinking about making you mine tonnigght". You're my best
friend to all end, though i dont give you much credit, you do
alot for me, and you're a really strong person, I dont know how
you do it, but you do, you're awesome, i love you.

You-
i'm tired of worrying about you, wondering how you're doing. You
broke my heart last year, and it pisses me off, that you dont even
give me the gratitude i deserve for everything i did for you. Its
like you pretend that i wasn't one of the greatest things to happen
to you, and to admit that, you're horrified. But its okay, because i
know we were great friends, and no one could ever top it, no matter how
much you deny it.

You-
You said i'm a failure to you, and that i've failed you. I wont fail you anymore.

Lately

I've been hitting some tight spots,
been stuck in some corners,
torn between decisions.

A lot is going on right now,
but really nothing at all.
People want me to talk to them
about my issues, and "whats wrong"
But really, there's nothing to talk about,
there's no way to explain it.
Its just this hovering feeling of
being trapped.

Words:
Trapped.
Pregnancy.
school work.
Graduating.
Mitchell Davis.
Kevin.
Baby?
Kevin.
Decisions.
Jess
Rylie
Haylee
Andrea
Dora
Chipotle
Logan Paone.
cigarettes.
Craving.
Skittles.
Pee.
Class ring.
My dad.
Homework.
Homework.
Homework.
Owl City.
Kevin's pay check.
Planned Parenthood.
Ripped jeans.
Upset,
stomach knots.
Phone.
Alone.
Bored.
Upset.

Etc
Etc.

I've been neglecting some things,
and i've been hoping for the best,
and i'm starting to pray,
and i've got a string of hope
to last me a long way.