Friday, August 10, 2012
Heartbreak
I listen and I watch.
Everyone.
Who cries over getting their heartbroken.
The things they say they feel.
The situation that broke their heart.
And I have a hard time crying for these people.
I've had my heart broken,
So many times.
So many times.
Maybe, 10 times. Each time, it's been more serious,
more hurtful.
To the point that no one can ever fucking understand how damaged I am.
No one was around this during these times in my life.
No one saw all the emotional wreck I've been.
Over
and
over
and
over
and
over again.
The times somebody has ripped me apart, is endless.
And how I'm still standing,
fucking amazes me.
So is it wrong for me to want someone who can just see that?
Who isn't too focused on themselves and their own needs
to see that I'm in a terrible need to be fixed.
To be really, loved.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
I don't know
What's going to happen.
But I do know that whatever it is, ill take care of it.
Even if it has to be alone.
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Tuesday, December 27, 2011
poem of November
I’m made of marble, A heart of stone. Broke and molded, Always alone.
Distant and froze, A heart so cold. Beaten and lost, Emotionally old.
Torn and bruised, A soul so broke. Worn and cracked, My laugh spoke
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Sunday, May 15, 2011
The Best and The Worst
Wow, It's just been too long since I've wrote, I feel I have so much to say, I can't event think it all out into organized thoughts. But here I go, another rampaged blog.
I've had some good times,
and some just really shitty,
bottom of a black hole, times.
But I find myself only reflecting
on the best times and worst times.
I'm thinking there's always one really good
amazing month a year. And one really shitty one.
Best of 2010:May 26-July 1st, a little longer than a month
this time was between the time of my last day of school and the
first week alone with Ben after my mom left.
The Easy times. A little toe in the water, not quite in deep enough
to realize how deep I'd be drowning later.
The shitty month:July 14-August 14
This time, Kevin, Ben going to cleveland, lost, alone, struggling,
scared, not prepared at all, beggining to fall to pieces, giving up.
I almost moved down south.
From here, things didnt really get much better.
And So far 2011:
Best:April
Worst:Janurary- Feburary
Feburary consisted of getting my heart torn out of my chest,
by someone I'd never had expected,
lets talk about that for a minute.
Abandonment feelings.
I love Ben differently than any guy ever. I genuinely care for him
unconditionally. When it comes to him, I let him the furthest in,
Some of the happiest times I've ever had, that i'll remember for
the rest of my life, he was there for. And I really saw him as a
insanely permanent figure in my life, and I let him in, I soaked him
in, I licked it all up, and bathed in it, his love, and my love for him.
i thought it was never ending, and in the end, it was all trickery.
I tried my hardest to keep it all together, and again, it just wasnt enough.
I'm always too willing to be the one sacrificing, but no one wants to sacrifice
for me, and out of everyone, I thought Ben was the person who's amount of love, could level up with mine, and he could just keep me tucked away in it forever.
Safe, and comfortable, happy and beautiful. But some how i still feel like it's my fault, I broke his heart first, and in return he broke mine worse, That's how it goes isn't it? I always try to save things when it's too late for saving. But If I
could, I'd relive it all over again, I'd kiss him, smoke that first cigarette, eat strawberry cheesecake, dance on his feet, longboard, lay in bed all day, make dinners in bed, shower, walk it all over again, just to experience the love I felt for him all over again.
and he took it all and i just cant seem to find it again, and i'm
just lost without it, and nothing feels the same, I dont really see
all the values and belief in life as much as I used to. I've seem
to have lost faith in a few things. Love being one of them, with a guy
at least, maybe it's for the best, keep myself as protected as i can for
a while. All i know, is those happy, easily loving, and accepting feelings,
forgiving, "everythings going to be alright"-ness, is gone. But I'm finding it
now, and I'm hoping it doesnt fall to shit, cause I have a lot to lose right now,
and I know soon its just gonna get swept out from under me. And I'm not ready yet.
Currently: In my present state, I'm feeling okay.
I've got my best friend, and boy do i really have my best friend.
Since Feburary I've found a lot in her. Beauty, Strength, Fearlessness,
Willingness, Dareful, most of all Love. I really have realized many people
have seriously abandoned me, and I have the tendency to abandon my ownself even,
but I'm starting to realize, it's almost been 4 years Boo, FOUR. Not once have you
left or abandoned me, These past 4 years have been the hardest for me, but you've been there for all of it, sometimes that's easy to pass over, all those hard times
but there were way too many. There were many opportunities for a fall out, but we haven't you're one of the very few strong relationships i can say I've ever had, and every single moment we have only shows that more and more each day.
My love for you is rare. It's the only kind of love I'll have for only you.
I lay in bed and text you, I cry out of happiness sometimes, just sitting in the car, driving down huckleberry with you by my side, when you're eyes light up, and you're in one of your happiest moments, and i'm there with you to see it, my eyes water with a warm heart, because i know you're truly happy, and lately we're going through a lot. One of the hardest times of our lives, and we're going through it together, that's already a sign of our unconditional relationship. We're more than best friends, more than sisters. Why? Because you're not my family, you're a person i came across in my life, who i love very unconditionally because i CHOOSE to love you unconditionally, I dont have to, like you do yourfamily, and you're more than just a best friend, I love you because I want to, and I do, because that's just how it is, and how it will just be. I love you, from our showers, our rainforests, our texting while about to sleep, to our eating at panera times.
Things have also been easier because i think god sent you out to challenge me.
You're one of those people he put in my life to show me something about myself,
the type of person he knew would just have to go on my list. He knew I'd find someone in you that striked my interest. And you definitely have. I dont know
what it is exactly that i'm finding in you. But I'm starting to realize the impact
you've started having. You said one day to someone "Kayla could never love me"
And you know what, It's not that I cant, because if anyone could love you for you, and all that you are and have been, believe me, it most certainly could be me, and I'd love you better than anyone else, and I know this,But that's because my heart is my biggest and greatest downfall, its my weakness and strength. I could love you, and I do, as in I care a lot about you, I wanna be involved in your life, I wanna say i'm there for you, and i got your back, and i know you have mine. But I also know that i do wish i could be that girl for you, because when you do find that girl for yourself, she must be worth it. But i know That we're not going to have a realtionship, because though i could, and i would want to, it's just not in our cards, and for once, that's quite alright. I can accept that. Why? because i think that's why you're here. To bring out that reckless, outgoing person I've been kind of shoving away in a black hole for awhile.
It's because you're slightly inspiring, though i know the good and bad, i see the good in people, and i see the inspiring qualities you have. You've been through alot, and you've managed to really live, even if it's not the greatest way most would do it, that's what slightly makes it awesome. You did it because it was for you, and because it was your passion, and you weren't scared, and after all the trouble, you don't regret it. I like that.
I just like you. And as silly as it is, I have the cutest stupidest little girl crush on you. Maybe it's because you're the first unorganized plan, out of order person i've let in my life, the first i've ever had non commited sex to, and i dont have a plan with you, we dont know where we're going, and I dont do that, I have plans, i have committed relationships, but not you, and for once, I'm not too frightened, I'm just slowly falling in. Taking it day by day. Whatever. You're new and you're fresh, but at the same time, you're an important role.
I dont wanna type a book about you, but I barely talk about it. I just like having you around, you have my back, and you have faith in me when i dont have faith in myself, and you're really encouraging me to do things i normally wouldn't and the results are turning out good. You're causing me to take a dare, and use up my chances, That, is why i love you the way i do. Its just a type of, what's the word? Fondness.
I've had some good times,
and some just really shitty,
bottom of a black hole, times.
But I find myself only reflecting
on the best times and worst times.
I'm thinking there's always one really good
amazing month a year. And one really shitty one.
Best of 2010:May 26-July 1st, a little longer than a month
this time was between the time of my last day of school and the
first week alone with Ben after my mom left.
The Easy times. A little toe in the water, not quite in deep enough
to realize how deep I'd be drowning later.
The shitty month:July 14-August 14
This time, Kevin, Ben going to cleveland, lost, alone, struggling,
scared, not prepared at all, beggining to fall to pieces, giving up.
I almost moved down south.
From here, things didnt really get much better.
And So far 2011:
Best:April
Worst:Janurary- Feburary
Feburary consisted of getting my heart torn out of my chest,
by someone I'd never had expected,
lets talk about that for a minute.
Abandonment feelings.
I love Ben differently than any guy ever. I genuinely care for him
unconditionally. When it comes to him, I let him the furthest in,
Some of the happiest times I've ever had, that i'll remember for
the rest of my life, he was there for. And I really saw him as a
insanely permanent figure in my life, and I let him in, I soaked him
in, I licked it all up, and bathed in it, his love, and my love for him.
i thought it was never ending, and in the end, it was all trickery.
I tried my hardest to keep it all together, and again, it just wasnt enough.
I'm always too willing to be the one sacrificing, but no one wants to sacrifice
for me, and out of everyone, I thought Ben was the person who's amount of love, could level up with mine, and he could just keep me tucked away in it forever.
Safe, and comfortable, happy and beautiful. But some how i still feel like it's my fault, I broke his heart first, and in return he broke mine worse, That's how it goes isn't it? I always try to save things when it's too late for saving. But If I
could, I'd relive it all over again, I'd kiss him, smoke that first cigarette, eat strawberry cheesecake, dance on his feet, longboard, lay in bed all day, make dinners in bed, shower, walk it all over again, just to experience the love I felt for him all over again.
and he took it all and i just cant seem to find it again, and i'm
just lost without it, and nothing feels the same, I dont really see
all the values and belief in life as much as I used to. I've seem
to have lost faith in a few things. Love being one of them, with a guy
at least, maybe it's for the best, keep myself as protected as i can for
a while. All i know, is those happy, easily loving, and accepting feelings,
forgiving, "everythings going to be alright"-ness, is gone. But I'm finding it
now, and I'm hoping it doesnt fall to shit, cause I have a lot to lose right now,
and I know soon its just gonna get swept out from under me. And I'm not ready yet.
Currently: In my present state, I'm feeling okay.
I've got my best friend, and boy do i really have my best friend.
Since Feburary I've found a lot in her. Beauty, Strength, Fearlessness,
Willingness, Dareful, most of all Love. I really have realized many people
have seriously abandoned me, and I have the tendency to abandon my ownself even,
but I'm starting to realize, it's almost been 4 years Boo, FOUR. Not once have you
left or abandoned me, These past 4 years have been the hardest for me, but you've been there for all of it, sometimes that's easy to pass over, all those hard times
but there were way too many. There were many opportunities for a fall out, but we haven't you're one of the very few strong relationships i can say I've ever had, and every single moment we have only shows that more and more each day.
My love for you is rare. It's the only kind of love I'll have for only you.
I lay in bed and text you, I cry out of happiness sometimes, just sitting in the car, driving down huckleberry with you by my side, when you're eyes light up, and you're in one of your happiest moments, and i'm there with you to see it, my eyes water with a warm heart, because i know you're truly happy, and lately we're going through a lot. One of the hardest times of our lives, and we're going through it together, that's already a sign of our unconditional relationship. We're more than best friends, more than sisters. Why? Because you're not my family, you're a person i came across in my life, who i love very unconditionally because i CHOOSE to love you unconditionally, I dont have to, like you do yourfamily, and you're more than just a best friend, I love you because I want to, and I do, because that's just how it is, and how it will just be. I love you, from our showers, our rainforests, our texting while about to sleep, to our eating at panera times.
Things have also been easier because i think god sent you out to challenge me.
You're one of those people he put in my life to show me something about myself,
the type of person he knew would just have to go on my list. He knew I'd find someone in you that striked my interest. And you definitely have. I dont know
what it is exactly that i'm finding in you. But I'm starting to realize the impact
you've started having. You said one day to someone "Kayla could never love me"
And you know what, It's not that I cant, because if anyone could love you for you, and all that you are and have been, believe me, it most certainly could be me, and I'd love you better than anyone else, and I know this,But that's because my heart is my biggest and greatest downfall, its my weakness and strength. I could love you, and I do, as in I care a lot about you, I wanna be involved in your life, I wanna say i'm there for you, and i got your back, and i know you have mine. But I also know that i do wish i could be that girl for you, because when you do find that girl for yourself, she must be worth it. But i know That we're not going to have a realtionship, because though i could, and i would want to, it's just not in our cards, and for once, that's quite alright. I can accept that. Why? because i think that's why you're here. To bring out that reckless, outgoing person I've been kind of shoving away in a black hole for awhile.
It's because you're slightly inspiring, though i know the good and bad, i see the good in people, and i see the inspiring qualities you have. You've been through alot, and you've managed to really live, even if it's not the greatest way most would do it, that's what slightly makes it awesome. You did it because it was for you, and because it was your passion, and you weren't scared, and after all the trouble, you don't regret it. I like that.
I just like you. And as silly as it is, I have the cutest stupidest little girl crush on you. Maybe it's because you're the first unorganized plan, out of order person i've let in my life, the first i've ever had non commited sex to, and i dont have a plan with you, we dont know where we're going, and I dont do that, I have plans, i have committed relationships, but not you, and for once, I'm not too frightened, I'm just slowly falling in. Taking it day by day. Whatever. You're new and you're fresh, but at the same time, you're an important role.
I dont wanna type a book about you, but I barely talk about it. I just like having you around, you have my back, and you have faith in me when i dont have faith in myself, and you're really encouraging me to do things i normally wouldn't and the results are turning out good. You're causing me to take a dare, and use up my chances, That, is why i love you the way i do. Its just a type of, what's the word? Fondness.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Year 2010
It's not quite new years yet, but idk when I'll be on.
-waking up, smirnoffs everywhere. 4 lovely girls in my room.
-"You got a rope and some scissors?!" "Yeah me & my mom are part of the KKK. He's just a plan. I don't love that nigga." Phahahah.
-going down to colombus with Haylee, meeting her dad, and step mom.
-Realizing I was pregnant.
-"FINGERNAILS!!!" *decrepid voice and hand motions*
-Looking up how to cure painful nipples. LMAO
-Libby returning to school from the psych ward.
-Losing Kevin, and myself.
-Becoming best friends with my 'angel' Ben Copeland.
-Bring Ben his stuff, picking up libby's stuff
-Hiding Ben from Libby in the car when i had to drop off... something.
-Feb.9th, first time sex with Ben. <3
-Feb 12th, abortion, thank god for libby.
-fighting with kevin in the car about Andrea, while ben's in teh car too.
-yelling "No, GROW UP KEVIN" "No kayla, you're the one that needs to grown up"
"okay, i'll start with you. WE'RE OVER"
-Officially breaking up with kevin.
-Spending the night with ben for a whole weekend while libby and joey watched over beaux and lassie.
-Her finding out about Ben.
-Fighting with Jessica "SLUT"
-''I hate you. end of story. You can go turn off the light now.'' Lol
-Dying my hair blonde
-Changing Libby's Hair
-Failing Art
-Car Accident
-'i feel like i have george washington hair right now' LMFAO
- Ogre heritage. Lol. "I've been noticing my skin looks pretty olive lately." haha. <---even though IDK WTF THIS MEANS
-Kevin's in here, he's spying on us. Did you just get his tweet?!
-breaking kevin's bowl
-Ben's bronchitis
-Ben puking and asking me out. LMAO.
-Ariell Haut
-Ben crying to me about James
-Getting Beans
-"I'm too lazy, idgaf about that ash tray" *proceeds to ash on floor*
-Seeing my sister. Fighting with Don "Hello stranger number 2"
-Doing Beaux as my art project
-Becoming friends with libby again
-Studdying real hard to pass school
-Doing Ben as my Art final.
-Ben pissin everywhere on Me and Kody LMAO
-Ben going to jail.
-YOU TWO CANNOT SLEEP IN THE SAME ROOM! *Grandpa Don banging on door*
-Making love crying my eyes out,before we thought he was giong to jail for 6 months.
-Getting told i couldnt walk at graduation.
-My mom doing something about it.
-Getting my nipples pierced, almost fainting
-Got Hair cut
-Dad and grandparents coming up
-Graduation.
-"i'm not gonna lie, i wouldnt have minded you having that baby so much, if it were maybe, like, ben's kid instead of kevin's. ya know, not half black"-My dad.
-Ben losing his house wiht his parents, moved in.
-Mom moved away to Alabama, June 26th
-Ben's birthday, x.
-Seeing jessica a lot more since it was summer. <3
-Haylee telling me "we dont have time to be friends anymore"
-Ben gets job in cleveland.
-Jessica gets job at Winking lizard!
-"i like your beard" LMAO "Man. I love @kayla_estell's beard SO MUCH"
-and suddenly i cant remember much from august or september...
-Blow job in car with ben, and 3 other people...
-Meeting Micah, awesome time in cleveland.
-Awesome steaks down in carolton
-My dad's got cancer again
-Ben's fake piss pass
-Parties at Ashleys
-My birthday, Hookah, Bestie bracelets, muggswigs, bowl, smoking. FUN.
-My first birthday sex
-gettin my tongue pierced
-My walgreens and taco bell interview.
-Ben Moving away.
-"i can feel the vibrations on my crotch. Lol. RT @Kayla_Estell: I feel like im creamin my pants this stereo bumps so hard."
-Jessica's birthday :)
-"To everyone going to NSN tonight: Fuck you. Seriously, you're an asshole. Drop dead."
- REALLY high shower with Jessica.
-rainforests in bathrooms. (New Tradition
-Brandyn Christoffel-DONE. Jerk.
-Thanksgiving, High as balls.
-"my ice isn't wet...my ice is all dry."
-Ben picking up his shit, quickie sex.
-"he was gross, just gross, he looks slytherin like"
-Giving Jessica "How High Am I" Book, and Mancala
-Pineapple Express
-Getting fired from my first JOB. BITCH.
-Going down to see my mom, and that's where I'm at noww.
-Me:"He keeps talkin to itchy"
Jessica: "Itchy? Lol what?"
Me: "His imaginary friend...
Me: LMAO. I'm just kidding. That's my Mom's dogs name."
Jessica: "LMFAO OMG."
-waking up, smirnoffs everywhere. 4 lovely girls in my room.
-"You got a rope and some scissors?!" "Yeah me & my mom are part of the KKK. He's just a plan. I don't love that nigga." Phahahah.
-going down to colombus with Haylee, meeting her dad, and step mom.
-Realizing I was pregnant.
-"FINGERNAILS!!!" *decrepid voice and hand motions*
-Looking up how to cure painful nipples. LMAO
-Libby returning to school from the psych ward.
-Losing Kevin, and myself.
-Becoming best friends with my 'angel' Ben Copeland.
-Bring Ben his stuff, picking up libby's stuff
-Hiding Ben from Libby in the car when i had to drop off... something.
-Feb.9th, first time sex with Ben. <3
-Feb 12th, abortion, thank god for libby.
-fighting with kevin in the car about Andrea, while ben's in teh car too.
-yelling "No, GROW UP KEVIN" "No kayla, you're the one that needs to grown up"
"okay, i'll start with you. WE'RE OVER"
-Officially breaking up with kevin.
-Spending the night with ben for a whole weekend while libby and joey watched over beaux and lassie.
-Her finding out about Ben.
-Fighting with Jessica "SLUT"
-''I hate you. end of story. You can go turn off the light now.'' Lol
-Dying my hair blonde
-Changing Libby's Hair
-Failing Art
-Car Accident
-'i feel like i have george washington hair right now' LMFAO
- Ogre heritage. Lol. "I've been noticing my skin looks pretty olive lately." haha. <---even though IDK WTF THIS MEANS
-Kevin's in here, he's spying on us. Did you just get his tweet?!
-breaking kevin's bowl
-Ben's bronchitis
-Ben puking and asking me out. LMAO.
-Ariell Haut
-Ben crying to me about James
-Getting Beans
-"I'm too lazy, idgaf about that ash tray" *proceeds to ash on floor*
-Seeing my sister. Fighting with Don "Hello stranger number 2"
-Doing Beaux as my art project
-Becoming friends with libby again
-Studdying real hard to pass school
-Doing Ben as my Art final.
-Ben pissin everywhere on Me and Kody LMAO
-Ben going to jail.
-YOU TWO CANNOT SLEEP IN THE SAME ROOM! *Grandpa Don banging on door*
-Making love crying my eyes out,before we thought he was giong to jail for 6 months.
-Getting told i couldnt walk at graduation.
-My mom doing something about it.
-Getting my nipples pierced, almost fainting
-Got Hair cut
-Dad and grandparents coming up
-Graduation.
-"i'm not gonna lie, i wouldnt have minded you having that baby so much, if it were maybe, like, ben's kid instead of kevin's. ya know, not half black"-My dad.
-Ben losing his house wiht his parents, moved in.
-Mom moved away to Alabama, June 26th
-Ben's birthday, x.
-Seeing jessica a lot more since it was summer. <3
-Haylee telling me "we dont have time to be friends anymore"
-Ben gets job in cleveland.
-Jessica gets job at Winking lizard!
-"i like your beard" LMAO "Man. I love @kayla_estell's beard SO MUCH"
-and suddenly i cant remember much from august or september...
-Blow job in car with ben, and 3 other people...
-Meeting Micah, awesome time in cleveland.
-Awesome steaks down in carolton
-My dad's got cancer again
-Ben's fake piss pass
-Parties at Ashleys
-My birthday, Hookah, Bestie bracelets, muggswigs, bowl, smoking. FUN.
-My first birthday sex
-gettin my tongue pierced
-My walgreens and taco bell interview.
-Ben Moving away.
-"i can feel the vibrations on my crotch. Lol. RT @Kayla_Estell: I feel like im creamin my pants this stereo bumps so hard."
-Jessica's birthday :)
-"To everyone going to NSN tonight: Fuck you. Seriously, you're an asshole. Drop dead."
- REALLY high shower with Jessica.
-rainforests in bathrooms. (New Tradition
-Brandyn Christoffel-DONE. Jerk.
-Thanksgiving, High as balls.
-"my ice isn't wet...my ice is all dry."
-Ben picking up his shit, quickie sex.
-"he was gross, just gross, he looks slytherin like"
-Giving Jessica "How High Am I" Book, and Mancala
-Pineapple Express
-Getting fired from my first JOB. BITCH.
-Going down to see my mom, and that's where I'm at noww.
-Me:"He keeps talkin to itchy"
Jessica: "Itchy? Lol what?"
Me: "His imaginary friend...
Me: LMAO. I'm just kidding. That's my Mom's dogs name."
Jessica: "LMFAO OMG."
I wont be able to get on for awhile...so here goes
updates:
Ben Copeland:
Moved to Cleveland. He kind of abandoned me. But i know it's for the best. I miss him alot and rarely see him, but hopefully he'll get his shit figured out, and will come back. It's only made me realize that i love him more though. So i guess that's good. He's an amazing guy, I dont think i've ever met another like him, infact I'm pretty positive. I could see myself spending forever with him,if that's how the future decides to go.
Jessica Smith:
She's my life. I know she'll read this. But She's became everything and more to me over these past few months. Ever since she said "i know how you feel, and i
dont wanna let you down. I dont want you to feel defeated, i just cant let that happen, not as your best friend" and over the past few months, i've realized more than ever that she's a lifer. Meaning, she's not going anywhere. We know
each other like the back of our hands. Maybe even better. I dont know where i'd be without her. <3 I'm so glad she's around.
My mom:
I miss her so so much. I'm down here with her actually. We've had a great week. It'll be coming to an end soon. But i'm happy that she's happy down here. I'm happy that maybe without me, she'll live the life she's always wanted. :) I miss her so so much i know my life could be easier with her around, but i'm too much like
her and too stubborn to go that route.
My dad:
Still very sick. When i think about it, it makes me cry. Mom and i both think he wont make it much longer. That makes me sad. Esp when i think of my future. Walking down my wedding isle with no dad, god, im tearing up already. Or having grand children, i know he'd be an awesome grand father. :( anyway. he's doing better than he has the past few months but it seems the sickness never goes away. I hope it does, i really do.
Kevin:
Ass. Hole. Got in a huge argument. Told him everything that was dying to get out over the past two years. How our sex never meant anything, and how i was used, and how he's fake, and he'll never ammount to anything. And etc etc etc. We all know how i feel about kevin... i've made it clear.
My life:
it's really hard.
I feel defeated alot.
I try to push on through it,
encourage myself to stay strong.
But it gets me down just
thinkin about it.
Gettin no where, fast.
Wishing i was getting somewhere,
somehow.
Feelin hopeless,
scared, alone at times.
but with the help of the
few who're there,
i manage,
and for the most part,
try to look on the brightside withthe hope
i have left.
Ben Copeland:
Moved to Cleveland. He kind of abandoned me. But i know it's for the best. I miss him alot and rarely see him, but hopefully he'll get his shit figured out, and will come back. It's only made me realize that i love him more though. So i guess that's good. He's an amazing guy, I dont think i've ever met another like him, infact I'm pretty positive. I could see myself spending forever with him,if that's how the future decides to go.
Jessica Smith:
She's my life. I know she'll read this. But She's became everything and more to me over these past few months. Ever since she said "i know how you feel, and i
dont wanna let you down. I dont want you to feel defeated, i just cant let that happen, not as your best friend" and over the past few months, i've realized more than ever that she's a lifer. Meaning, she's not going anywhere. We know
each other like the back of our hands. Maybe even better. I dont know where i'd be without her. <3 I'm so glad she's around.
My mom:
I miss her so so much. I'm down here with her actually. We've had a great week. It'll be coming to an end soon. But i'm happy that she's happy down here. I'm happy that maybe without me, she'll live the life she's always wanted. :) I miss her so so much i know my life could be easier with her around, but i'm too much like
her and too stubborn to go that route.
My dad:
Still very sick. When i think about it, it makes me cry. Mom and i both think he wont make it much longer. That makes me sad. Esp when i think of my future. Walking down my wedding isle with no dad, god, im tearing up already. Or having grand children, i know he'd be an awesome grand father. :( anyway. he's doing better than he has the past few months but it seems the sickness never goes away. I hope it does, i really do.
Kevin:
Ass. Hole. Got in a huge argument. Told him everything that was dying to get out over the past two years. How our sex never meant anything, and how i was used, and how he's fake, and he'll never ammount to anything. And etc etc etc. We all know how i feel about kevin... i've made it clear.
My life:
it's really hard.
I feel defeated alot.
I try to push on through it,
encourage myself to stay strong.
But it gets me down just
thinkin about it.
Gettin no where, fast.
Wishing i was getting somewhere,
somehow.
Feelin hopeless,
scared, alone at times.
but with the help of the
few who're there,
i manage,
and for the most part,
try to look on the brightside withthe hope
i have left.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
People
Ben Copeland.
Oh boyy, if i knew what to say. I spend most my time with you,
and i prefer it that way.I dont know what took you so long,
but i'm glad you're here. Now i'm attatched to your hip,
and every fiber of your being. I love you, and you love me.
and for once, i know that. You're pretty much
all i've ever wanted, and all i've ever searched for.
I love you for who you are, will be, everything and more.
Your eyes, your smile, your laugh, and appreciation,
Your kindness, selflessness and loving patience.
I love you for it all, and i cant thank you enough,
for being not only my lover, best friend, and boyfriend,
but for being there for me.
Jessica Smith
We've had some cute moments, and i cherish them. You're MY
best friend, and i love you everyday for it. You're so bold,
and outright, and some people find it obnoxious maybe, but it's
cause they dont know you like i do, 'cause i love you for it.
"oh, yepp, that's my best friend jessica, and ya know, i really
love her". You're freakin, so amazing. I like how we tell each other
things, and we just dont care what is said, it's just how it is.
And sometimes tings get hard, but we make it through. Always.
Haylee Matako
Oh Haylee, i love you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You really stick it through.
Things were hard for a bit, but i'm glad we got better. You have,
still are, and always will be everything to me. You deserve better,
and you deserve the world. People do a lotta wrong to you, but i promise,
I'll be here to make it right. Alwaysss.
Libby Shaffner.
You frustrate me lately, and you're attitude's a bitch (no pun intended) to
deal with sometimes, but i do love you, to every extent. You really are my
best friend, i never meant to hurt you, but you've hurt me too. I think more
than you realize, and unintentionally, but i try very hard for you. And i'll
never forget you, and everythingyou've done. I'm not pushing away from you,
you're just really pulling, but i promise, one day we'll be happy again, like
we once were.
Rylie Beth Jobe
I miss you. So so much. I miss you a lot. I dont see you often, but i do
love you with all my heart, and seeing you, makes my heart shine, and my
weeks get brighter. You're truely the most beautiful girl i've ever seen,
and i'm glad you're beautiful both outside and in, and the person you are,
makes me happy. You're so wonderous. :) It's inspiring.
Lexi Bradley
I've almost run into you a few times. Sometimes, i kinda hope i do. Just
because i worry, you know. and despite what you say, I've always loved you.
but its cool, you can hate me all you want.
Nina Grambling
I miss you too. I really do, i cant wait to see you on tuesday, i'm pretty
excited, whenever i see you, i kinda feel new again.
Kody Hill
I love you bro. I'm so glad you're Ben's best friend, you're really chill
and i like being around you.
Jeani Brechbill
You're fuckin sweet, i love being around you too. I dont think you know how
much i really do love you. You're amazing, and I always have the urge to be
on a best friend basis with you.
Pashence Anderson.
Yo cousin', I miss you! like, foreal. I wanna see you all the time. I'm always
thinkin about you, I love you, I feel deprived of you.
Ben's little bro James
I wanna meet you. You're the cutest thing in the world, and your little voice
makes me melt, i wanna get ben back to you, i know you make him happy. You make
me smile too.
Daddy
I miss you. I think about you often. I miss our summertimes, especially our
past one. I cant wait to see you, show you how much i've grown, and give you a good litle hug.
Megan Metzger
Thanks, for filling my best friends void.
Melisa Hurst
I miss you sissy. So much.
Saige Boilanger
I wanna be friends with you. And just that.
Beaux Alexander.
You know, when im gone, i miss you alot.
You're my little man, you're my little kid,
The day i got pregnant, if calcualated correctly,
was the day i got you.
You're like, my little baby, I love watching you grow,
even if its super annoying sometimes, i know you're just
being a puppy, and one day you're gonna be a big dog.
and i know, I'm gonna be there for that.
I love you little guy. I do.
Oh boyy, if i knew what to say. I spend most my time with you,
and i prefer it that way.I dont know what took you so long,
but i'm glad you're here. Now i'm attatched to your hip,
and every fiber of your being. I love you, and you love me.
and for once, i know that. You're pretty much
all i've ever wanted, and all i've ever searched for.
I love you for who you are, will be, everything and more.
Your eyes, your smile, your laugh, and appreciation,
Your kindness, selflessness and loving patience.
I love you for it all, and i cant thank you enough,
for being not only my lover, best friend, and boyfriend,
but for being there for me.
Jessica Smith
We've had some cute moments, and i cherish them. You're MY
best friend, and i love you everyday for it. You're so bold,
and outright, and some people find it obnoxious maybe, but it's
cause they dont know you like i do, 'cause i love you for it.
"oh, yepp, that's my best friend jessica, and ya know, i really
love her". You're freakin, so amazing. I like how we tell each other
things, and we just dont care what is said, it's just how it is.
And sometimes tings get hard, but we make it through. Always.
Haylee Matako
Oh Haylee, i love you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You really stick it through.
Things were hard for a bit, but i'm glad we got better. You have,
still are, and always will be everything to me. You deserve better,
and you deserve the world. People do a lotta wrong to you, but i promise,
I'll be here to make it right. Alwaysss.
Libby Shaffner.
You frustrate me lately, and you're attitude's a bitch (no pun intended) to
deal with sometimes, but i do love you, to every extent. You really are my
best friend, i never meant to hurt you, but you've hurt me too. I think more
than you realize, and unintentionally, but i try very hard for you. And i'll
never forget you, and everythingyou've done. I'm not pushing away from you,
you're just really pulling, but i promise, one day we'll be happy again, like
we once were.
Rylie Beth Jobe
I miss you. So so much. I miss you a lot. I dont see you often, but i do
love you with all my heart, and seeing you, makes my heart shine, and my
weeks get brighter. You're truely the most beautiful girl i've ever seen,
and i'm glad you're beautiful both outside and in, and the person you are,
makes me happy. You're so wonderous. :) It's inspiring.
Lexi Bradley
I've almost run into you a few times. Sometimes, i kinda hope i do. Just
because i worry, you know. and despite what you say, I've always loved you.
but its cool, you can hate me all you want.
Nina Grambling
I miss you too. I really do, i cant wait to see you on tuesday, i'm pretty
excited, whenever i see you, i kinda feel new again.
Kody Hill
I love you bro. I'm so glad you're Ben's best friend, you're really chill
and i like being around you.
Jeani Brechbill
You're fuckin sweet, i love being around you too. I dont think you know how
much i really do love you. You're amazing, and I always have the urge to be
on a best friend basis with you.
Pashence Anderson.
Yo cousin', I miss you! like, foreal. I wanna see you all the time. I'm always
thinkin about you, I love you, I feel deprived of you.
Ben's little bro James
I wanna meet you. You're the cutest thing in the world, and your little voice
makes me melt, i wanna get ben back to you, i know you make him happy. You make
me smile too.
Daddy
I miss you. I think about you often. I miss our summertimes, especially our
past one. I cant wait to see you, show you how much i've grown, and give you a good litle hug.
Megan Metzger
Thanks, for filling my best friends void.
Melisa Hurst
I miss you sissy. So much.
Saige Boilanger
I wanna be friends with you. And just that.
Beaux Alexander.
You know, when im gone, i miss you alot.
You're my little man, you're my little kid,
The day i got pregnant, if calcualated correctly,
was the day i got you.
You're like, my little baby, I love watching you grow,
even if its super annoying sometimes, i know you're just
being a puppy, and one day you're gonna be a big dog.
and i know, I'm gonna be there for that.
I love you little guy. I do.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Things
Thursday feb 25
Fight with kevin.
Last fight with kevin.
I'm done.
Sunday feb 28.
Car accident.
My fault.
Juvi
Court: March 18
License: suspended, year.
Tusday, march 2
No more kevin.
Broke up.
For the better.
Stress.
Friday
Doc appointment.
Anxiety
Insomnia.
Meds.
Counselor soon.
Nervous.
Scared.
Starting over.
Fight with kevin.
Last fight with kevin.
I'm done.
Sunday feb 28.
Car accident.
My fault.
Juvi
Court: March 18
License: suspended, year.
Tusday, march 2
No more kevin.
Broke up.
For the better.
Stress.
Friday
Doc appointment.
Anxiety
Insomnia.
Meds.
Counselor soon.
Nervous.
Scared.
Starting over.
Libby Shaffner
Things you put me through.
Febrary 14th, 1am.
text: "I dont wanna live"
So i'm sitting in her basement.
She had just went upstairs
do i follow?
No, give her 7 minutes alone time.
more texts.
More texts.
More replies.
Stress on my shoulders.
Fear.
Already bad weekend:
Abortion, kevin's shit, now libby.
Take 2 vicodin,
feel better.
Walk upstairs.
Sit outside the bathroom door.
Coward.
Scared.
HUGE door.
text: "can't you hear me crying?
Cant you tell you're too far away?"
I stand.
Door knob is the hardest ever turned.
There laying in the tub: libby.
I crawl in hold her.
Squeeze her.
Word vomit.
"you promised libby"
"forever"
"i need you."
"I love you."
"YOU PROMISED"
shake.
anger.
fear.
tired.
Start singing to her.
Stroking her hair.
She's griping me.
I know she's here,
and now that she's in my hands,
i knew she was safe.
And she's never left me since.
Febrary 14th, 1am.
text: "I dont wanna live"
So i'm sitting in her basement.
She had just went upstairs
do i follow?
No, give her 7 minutes alone time.
more texts.
More texts.
More replies.
Stress on my shoulders.
Fear.
Already bad weekend:
Abortion, kevin's shit, now libby.
Take 2 vicodin,
feel better.
Walk upstairs.
Sit outside the bathroom door.
Coward.
Scared.
HUGE door.
text: "can't you hear me crying?
Cant you tell you're too far away?"
I stand.
Door knob is the hardest ever turned.
There laying in the tub: libby.
I crawl in hold her.
Squeeze her.
Word vomit.
"you promised libby"
"forever"
"i need you."
"I love you."
"YOU PROMISED"
shake.
anger.
fear.
tired.
Start singing to her.
Stroking her hair.
She's griping me.
I know she's here,
and now that she's in my hands,
i knew she was safe.
And she's never left me since.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Worst night of my life
last night.
Phenergain suppositories,
Vicodin.
Those four pills vaginally.
I laid there feeling alright,
kinda shakey, nervous.
Libby Shaffner
How she kept me calm.
"I need to pee" so she came with me.
I sat on that toilet,
scared, shaking, starting to bleed.
Diahreah.
Libby: "Im gonna go turn off the movie"
(Madea goes to jail)
I grab her arm, "no dont leave... take this"
the plastic bag from the trash can.
trash can, there it went, puke.
Peanut butter and banana sandwhich
that she made me earlier.
I shoulda ate healthier, but who eats good,
on the day you're "teminating" a baby?
That sandwhich regurgitated, worst smell ever.
shaking and in pain, i finally got off the toilet.
45 minutes later.
I feel the blood seep out,
all over me
"ew ew ew." i run to the bathroom.
Sitting down, peeing,
There it is.
Out of me.. and energy sucking.
Feeling like crying, shaking.
"kayla, dont cry, don't pity yourself. Don't cry"
I just keep repeating. Shaking uncontrollably.
"Libby!!! EW! libby, i have no clean underwear... libbbyy"
She calls the step mom
"Libby! PUKE BUCKET!"
Chair, she sits next to me.
Puking all the food i had left out.
Miserable. choking.
She touches me, rubs my neck, strokes my hair.
dying, I thought i was dying.
Shaking, weak, light headed, couldn't sit up.
So she reads E.E. Cummings to me.
His poetry.
I wanted to die, I wanted to give up.
She just kept reading, her voice.
She stopped after 15 poems.
Im still shaking.
"Vicodin? You need it, kay. You should take it"
So i do.
15 seconds later.
Puke.
Mom walks in, she's home.
Puke puke puke.
"there goes your vicodin"-libbys voice.
Feeling like i'm about to pass out.
can't focus.
More puke.
Bloody puke.
No more food, but still puke.
"My poor mother"
Puke.
weak, i'm done.
"keep nursing that water"-libby's voice.
Eye sight blurry, "i wanna give up"
Mom's clean underwear.
I got off the toilet.
Took a vicodin.
Passing out, but still awake,
detatched reality.
half a foot long from subway,
so i'd have food in my stomach.
Passing out,
feeling better.
Lost 3 hours of my life.
Wanted to die.
Where were you?
Phenergain suppositories,
Vicodin.
Those four pills vaginally.
I laid there feeling alright,
kinda shakey, nervous.
Libby Shaffner
How she kept me calm.
"I need to pee" so she came with me.
I sat on that toilet,
scared, shaking, starting to bleed.
Diahreah.
Libby: "Im gonna go turn off the movie"
(Madea goes to jail)
I grab her arm, "no dont leave... take this"
the plastic bag from the trash can.
trash can, there it went, puke.
Peanut butter and banana sandwhich
that she made me earlier.
I shoulda ate healthier, but who eats good,
on the day you're "teminating" a baby?
That sandwhich regurgitated, worst smell ever.
shaking and in pain, i finally got off the toilet.
45 minutes later.
I feel the blood seep out,
all over me
"ew ew ew." i run to the bathroom.
Sitting down, peeing,
There it is.
Out of me.. and energy sucking.
Feeling like crying, shaking.
"kayla, dont cry, don't pity yourself. Don't cry"
I just keep repeating. Shaking uncontrollably.
"Libby!!! EW! libby, i have no clean underwear... libbbyy"
She calls the step mom
"Libby! PUKE BUCKET!"
Chair, she sits next to me.
Puking all the food i had left out.
Miserable. choking.
She touches me, rubs my neck, strokes my hair.
dying, I thought i was dying.
Shaking, weak, light headed, couldn't sit up.
So she reads E.E. Cummings to me.
His poetry.
I wanted to die, I wanted to give up.
She just kept reading, her voice.
She stopped after 15 poems.
Im still shaking.
"Vicodin? You need it, kay. You should take it"
So i do.
15 seconds later.
Puke.
Mom walks in, she's home.
Puke puke puke.
"there goes your vicodin"-libbys voice.
Feeling like i'm about to pass out.
can't focus.
More puke.
Bloody puke.
No more food, but still puke.
"My poor mother"
Puke.
weak, i'm done.
"keep nursing that water"-libby's voice.
Eye sight blurry, "i wanna give up"
Mom's clean underwear.
I got off the toilet.
Took a vicodin.
Passing out, but still awake,
detatched reality.
half a foot long from subway,
so i'd have food in my stomach.
Passing out,
feeling better.
Lost 3 hours of my life.
Wanted to die.
Where were you?
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