2008

As I sit here in my moms huge bed,
I reflect upon my past year,
all the things that have changed,
that will change,
that I want to change.
Contemplating about your New Years Resolution,
Trying to make it a good one.
and here's what's crossing my mind.

Things that made me happy:
-The snow falling on my hair
-The latest nights talking on the phone, to the guy I thought was my life,
when really I was clinging to him, because I was clinging to Baton Rouge with desperateness
-The day Lexi came up to ask me to go to the mall. How random, but life saving.
-Learning from my mistakes.
-Summer beginnning with my groups of friends.
-Field trips.
-Going to my dad's and not fighting about anything.
-My step brother actually saying 3 sentences to me.
-Realizing I should hate you, but I forigive you
-Coming home to see my mother when I missed her so much
-Dying my hair of course
-Starting school, ready to give it another shot.
-Meeting Jessica
-Making new friends
-Got over Andrew.
-Realizing who my real friends were
-Art
-Getting my license
-Jessica's birthday
-Kevin
-Becoming friends with Nina all over again.


Moments I'll always remember and want to re-live:
-Going to winter formal with you guys, and having the best of times.
-All those times I got ridiculously happy, because you called.
-You staying the night, reading that sex book with Alex on the phone
-Snow sledding down my hill, AFTER making a barricade because you didnt wanna go into the lake.
-1 am in the morning jumping in the ice cold lake water, then the 3 of us cramming in my tub, for hot water.
-Pretending to cut me open to opperate on me
-Taking pictures in the show.
-Skinny Dipping at 11pm at night, in the lake, jumping off our floaties. Lmao.
-Baby sitting kids that rolled everywhere while you tried to change their diapers.
-People stalking us at the mall, so we stalked them back, they stalked us, then we got rid of them by making out infront of them. Lmao.
-Taking pictures topless in your room just because it was funny
-When Wyatt was talking to me while I didnt have pants on *talking talking* "Oh. YOu dont uh... have pants on..." *walks away embarassed*
-Going to the movies with all of you throwing popcorn
-Walking in two foot of snow to the corner store for coffee.
-Staying at Jen's confessing secrets
-Falling asleep ontop of you. Lmao
-Skating, then recieving the hugest bruise on my chin
-Fitting into the same shirt
-Kissing upside down
-Going to Cedar point with choir, charter bus.
-Getting a huge sun burn, so you let me borrow you're huge shirt,
that I changed into, infront of everyone.
-Not wearing pants on the ride back because I was so uncomfortable, but you didnt freak out, you just stayed chill and pretended you didnt notice
-Truth or dare on the way back.
-Teaching Courtney how to kiss.
-Being in choir, throwing things down my shirt
-Rolling down the isles while the play was going on
-Playing in the snow, where I tackled you like a tiger
-Getting detentions together
-Making fun of Houk
-Making you smile when you were down
-being at the fair with you, where you cried, and I held you, but I got to know more about you, and I'll always keep it to myself.
-Realizing I really liked you
-You breaking my heart, made me realize, It's not worth it.
-Homecoming, wanting to beat her up
-You coming over where we walked around the lake talking about moving, and all the hurt and pain.
-Flirting with you in health class, even if we were both taken
-Eating Doritos while on the phone. Purposely eating them obnoxiously.
-Walking on the ice of the lake
-Talking about people with you, and our theories on life.
-Jimmye confessing his love for me, quite late
-Being on the motorcycle and four wheeler with you
-being in your workshop listening to 80's music while you cleaned, dancing like the dad I used to know
-Being at the restaurant, my step brother talking to my dad, I just listening learing more and more about Nathan.
-Grandmom tripping about how my dogs but doesnt reach the ground
-How happy my mom was when she started talking to troy
-Standing in a creek with nothing but underwear
-Fingerpainting on each other
-Going to the football game, were I serenaded you.
-laying in bed with you, all cuddled up watching the forgotten
-Your dad apologizing, how happy you were
-Eating our pizza with our ranch
-You becoming my new best friend when no one wanted to be there
-getting my license
-Going to the mall with you where we sat in weird massage chairs talking about sexual things
-Making fun of people
-A boy coming up to us at the mall, totally cute
-Me tripping about it ^^^ that night. Like "wtf?"
-Me going to Nina's for the first time in months.
-Talking to you for the first time.
-Talking to you every day after that.
-Waking up to you still on the phone
-"uhm" "Uhm" "uhm" "Uh..." "Uh uh au ghhghaghh uhm"
- HUGHGH!
-Khaos energy
-Kissing you for the first time
-Talking on the phone 24/7 not realizing I'd soon without a doubt be in love with you.
-Driving to the movies with you drunk moms car at 12 in the morning to see Twilight
-Discovering, they're so much better when called Pizza pillows
-Making fun of Mrs. Peters
-hitting you in the boobs.
-Mr. Amedeos boner that JP HAD to point out
-Baby JUICE!!!!
-BABY!!?!
-Chocolate man.
-"It's like....having sex with a baby"
-P.E
-My birthday, at Fridays
-Miley Cyrus in the car with you
-Going to my first show with Kevin
-My mom letting you spend the night, where I layed comfortably in your arms
-switching pants
-Beer Pong
-Watching you play basketball.
-Did I say my tattoo?
-You biting off my thumbnail because I lied to you about the ending of a movie
-Getting Icees when it's fucking cold outside
-Making you eggs for breakfast
-sorting out our skittles
-Talking about your friend being a hoe
-Sitting in the car going ot Cleveland
-Telling you I love you
-Singing songs like crazy maniacs because that's how we do
-Putting together a puzzle we bought from It'z a puzzle
-Riding bikes to McDonalds
-Walking to your house from Massilion panera in snow where Mason was hitting on me
-My dog punching you in the face while we were laying in bed
-Frank ripping my pj's
-You giving me my monster energy drinks for christmas
-my two [one pound] bags of skittles

Waiting for your..

"call I'm sick, call I'm angry, call I'm desperate for your voice,
listening: to the song we used to sing in the car,
Do you remember?
butterflies, early summer playing on repeat,
just like when we would meeet."

I love meeting up with friends.
The ones you miss so much,
So constantly they cross your mind.
The friends you know you cant live without.
But you never realize how important they are,
until you miss them so extremely.
When you sit there and you talk forever
about the things that upset you,
or the things you want and need.
Somehow though, you dont mention nearly enough,
The things that make you happy.
When the most important thing is,
to let them know how happy THEY make you.
You never seem to say it enough,
and then when it comes down to it.
You start to wish you did.
You confess in them your problems
Your secrets, your desires, and dreams.
But never can you ever confess enough,
how important those friends truely are.

I love you.

Kevin.
Jessica.
Nina.
Mommy.
Haylee
and even if I dont talk to you that much:
Lexi
Alex
Sydnee
Melisa
Billy
Jimmye
Austin
and so many more.

I am so pissed

I just dont fucking.... UNDERSTAND.
There's certain logics that just... dont make sense!!!
Like for example.
My mothers logic.
I need a job, I know perfectly well that I NEED A JOB
I need a car to get to this job. I need a damn job to fix the car.
"ask your dad for money to fix the car."
Okay that makes sense.
Let's use my dad.
I barely talk to my dad, I DONT ask my dad for money.
"Oh hey Dad, How're you.?" "Hey sweetheart. How're you?"
"I'm good dad. I know I dont talk to you enough but mom and I are broke,
and I need a job [dad says i shouldnt get a job] but in order to do that I need to fix my car [car that my dad says is shhould pay for] but I dont have money to fix my car and I was wondering if you could help me out [even though you dont agree with parents paying for chilrens cars]?"
No. Okay. that's not how that's going to fucking work. It's just so frustrating.
I wish my mom would stop procrastinating. Take me out [since I cant do it by myself], help me look for a job. Help me work it out.
Because there's many reasons behind my argument:
1. I'm a teenager, I want things, and want to do things that cost money.
2. My mom is on her own now, needs to stop using my step dads money, she cant afford the things I want.
3. My mom needs help. She also wants things, that she buys, that she shouldnt be buying because we need to down grade our living arrangements, because we cant keep living like nothings changed.
4. I need a job because I'm a growing girl, there's things she cant afford, for example my birth control, the clothes I want, and I need.
Not to mention the things she needs.
5. We both want a life because she's now living like a teen,she wants to date, she's working because she needs the money.
and I understnd that but I need a mother too, that will listen to my logic.

poem

As I lay,
Nice and sound.
I realize I've finally found
My middle ground

My ground between

What's fake and reality.

You my darling, you're my reality.

Although you're too good to be true.

I do know,

that I love you.

You, best friend

You're my sanity

Only friend with me until the end

I'm so glad you arrived here

my newest friend.

You my heartbreak

I gave,somehow you still take.

But I'm over you,

and this healing heart you broke in two.

So let it rest, give it break.

A little poem

That I wrote on the 20th of December

I love the way our skin collides,
the way you smell when you're so close.
I love the warmth of your body heat,
against the chill of my bones.

I could wait forever,
but I cant wait.
It'll make me crazy,
I'll anticipate.

You're worth the wait,

You're worth it all,

I know I'm capable,

because it's you that made me fall.

"10 bucks

says you dont have it in you
to coquer fear and quit believing
what they tell you to.
You're commeaning shamelessly into
oblivion...
Where you will live alone,
with your chemicals and jin."

I sit here drinking coffee,
leaning back in this wicker chair,
the sent of vanilla choking the air.
I dont know what to do,
sitting here
thinking of you.
I pour out my coffee,
and lay on the floor,
there's nothing more
to want besides this cold floor
against the heart in my chest.
laying here wondering,
What's best?
I love you more than I expected,
More than what's healthy,
My love for you,
it's wealthy
in blood and tears.
This love
It's conquering all my fears.
My only fear now,
Is losing you somehow.

MRB

I had a dream about you last night,
Havent thought of you in a while,
but as I lay awake this morning,
the hurt in my heart,
and the twisting aches in my stomach came back.
I wished I could hurl,
I wished I could claw my eyes out.
I started to gasp as my lungs tightened.
I couldnt breath for a moment there,
thinking of all the pain you've brought me.
All the horrible things you've taught me.
How terrfiying to know,
that with one dream,
you send my body into a horrible siezure
of memories that make my blood cease to flow
It was so hard,
so fucking hard to let you go.
But I managed somehow
to keep on going,
my blood has started flowing
for the past two years,
not once have these memories brought me to tears,
but there I was laying in bed,
all those painful things you did and said.
Were crawling through my body
my heart my soul,
and at the time I felt like letting go.
But I've moved on since then
and in this dream,
you helpled me find my way,
walking down the street not realizing it was you,
not realizing it's the same boy that broke my heart in two.
You werent the boy in this dream,
that I once knew.
You were better,
Not as selfish and cruel.
But I woke from this dream realizing it was you,
and at that moment I started choking,
wishing It was me choking you.

"I'm a little bit, insecure... from all of these mistreatments" -NeverShoutNever.

Someone

Someone help me.
I cant breath
I feel as if I'm sufficating.
You're words they cut me,
they cut me deep.
and here I am
losing my sleep.

All these things
they're suffocating me.
I dont know what to do,
every now and then
I feel as if i'm losing you.

I just wanna be there.
Just know I care.

Somebody somebody
come save me.
come tell me it's alright.
come help me [come help me]
Help me win this fight.

I dont know,
I dont know what's right.
I'm crying [crying]
falling into the night.
Come help me come save me.
come be my shining knight.




As I look at those pictures
I think it's not fair,
How I always needed you,
but you were never there.
I'm sitting here wondering,
what'd I do to you?
You're killing me slowly,
ripping me in two.

Laying

my heart out on a table here.

1. My boyfriends fucking superman.
Let's talk about him.
Okay, so I fucking love Kevin okay. [No one reads this. So thanks Jessica.] Omfg. I dont even know what TO say. I never expected this. Before you fall in love, or even the relationship
and you start thinking about who you're going to get with. You put that person in your mind,
and you go over the relationship in your mind, before you get with them.
You have them planned out. You pick them, you think it all over. You've got the foundation figured out. and then you plan on falling in love.
This isnt what happened. This is what I planned on happening, what I expected.
I didnt expect this totally attractive guy to come up to me at the mall, give me his number, and unexpectedly fall in love with him. THAT wasnt a possiblity in my mind. I had decided before he came along, I was fucking scared of love, I didnt want my heart shattered any more than it could have possibly been. I was so fucking scared. I knew at that time, that I was going to pick the person out, and I was going to wait forever, and take my time. Figure it all out, then lay my heart out on the line, in pure vulnerabilty and high hopes.
NO. I talk on the phone with this guy, his smiling image barely present. I got to know his personality and his looks couldnt affect me. But his voice, and his personality he had it. I knew I liked him, and I had decided It would be a change, and I was taking my chances. Ask Jessica, I was trippin balls calling him. Like "Wtf, what if this guys a creeper? What if he turns out to be the best guy ever" Psh yeah right. I didnt believe in this right guy shit. I was ripped apart and confused. Most my friends werent treating me right, and coulda cared less. Jessica cared. and the rest slowly drifting away. I didnt believe there was someone who could possibly give me the motivation to lay my vulnerable sensitive shattered and taped back together heart on the table. Fuck that shit.
But talking to him, everyday, falling asleep on the phone, imagining what we could be. Simply intrigued me. I wanted no more than to take my chances.
He told me all these things that made me like him even more every day. Told me about his wounds, his scars, his pain, the baggage he carries. And god, how i could relate. I've felt it, been there too. I have my own baggage. But I wanted to make his better, I wanted to be the one to give purpose to his life, and him the purpose in my life. I wanted to make it feel better. I know it'll never go away, and never be the same, but I knew I wanted to make it better because I know that pain like that never truely goes away. It'll always hurt..
Anyway. So here I am, head over heals in love with kevin [who is now on the phone with me] and i'm no longer scared. He spent the night, and it was the best night of my life.
Laying in bed I told him "You're the first guy I'll ever sleep with, and the last" and geeeez how i meant it.
Jessica and I talk all the time about Kevin. and one time she really got me to thinking. Y'know, never have as so much wanted to be with someone every moment of every day. But she told me once that she loved him because she loves me,and loves to see me happy. and never has she seen me so happy. And I, I ask her if we're cute together. She said of course, and that we fit perfectly and match eachother "Kayla and Kevin it even sounds good" she said. I told her, that I cant wait until the day, I see through other peoples eyes the way that they see him and I. She asked me "who thinks of that?" I do. Because I want to be the couple that everybody points at, wishing they were, because i was tired of being the one doing all the pointing. And its so true. I've never fully had the expierence of being in that one relationship, that was worth it all, I thought I was one time, I was in love, I was in love as I could've been at the time. But I was torn apart by all the things wrong in the relationship, put through hell as much as possible, that the relationship itself wasnt worth all the I was going through. But this relationship, it wont die down and not be worth it. I'm prepared to lay my heart out on this table.
Never have I felt more comfortable being vulnerable, and more comfortable making promises. I mean geez, he woke up to me, and still thought I was beautiful? [what a liar. xD] That's a good guy. I mean, when you can sit there and talk forever,
and not care what you're talking about, and know that it doesnt matter, because you can talk about everything, it's a great feeling to feel. I know it's not a lot but it's all I can explain. I love him, and I know I always will. I know I dont love him as much as I can, because I'll love him more with each day that passes but this foundation of our overall love, it's so strong, and I'm not screwing it up this time. It's too meaningful and significant to me.
Kevin, I love you too much for my own good baby. Really. But I wouldnt trade you for the world.



other issue right now-
friends. I hate when friends exclude you from their plans, and then get mad, saying you made no effort. Or when something changes in your life, and they think they're no longer important. It's BS. and it's ridiculous. If you're my friend, you're my friend. and I mean that shit. I'm here with you 'till the end. I may hurt you sometimes, but i'm only human. I'm not perfect. I may try to push you away, but I get hurt too, and that's what I do, just know better than to let me. I hate when people say they're your real friends, and then turn their back on you when times get rough. I wouldnt do that to you, so stop doing it to me. I care about my friends, and I wouldnt do anything to intentionally hurt them. So dont make it seem like I would.

Ugh

Today,
was a horrible day.
Seriously.
1. Got 2 hours of sleep from 4am-6am.
2. Fell down on my last eight steps, [on my ass, on ice and rain].
So my but was wet and cold
3. Got on the bus where Cody Eagen decided to mess with me.
4. Hit my head on my locker.
5.Got to first period, realizing my coke exploded in my purse
[Why did it expload, because I fell down the steps. Why did i have a coke?
to drink it with my donuts]
6. Perdue, decided to be a dick.
7. Sat in a sucky christmas assembly.
8. Had to watch a gay history movie.
9. Jessica kicked me in the ass in 4th period, my hurting ass.
10. Went to 7/8, found out I started my period.
11. P.E I played Dance Dance Revoluion
12. My grandad has bad prostate cancer, my mom blames her self. [that god's getting back at her.]
13.[good thing] went shopping, got Kevin a gift, he called, got mommy gifts.
13. Wrapped gifts, I hate wrapping gifts.
14. I cant get a hold of kevin, and I just wanna hear his voice.

It's been a while.

"It's been a while
since I've seen the way,
the candles light your face,
it's been a while,
but I can STILL remember
juuuust the way you taste
but I'll update as far back as I can remember.

December 15:
Was a good day, but not really.
It was a year since I got rid of something
very dear to me.
and I wrote a poem about it here it is

It's been a full year, and the memory's so clear.
Memory I've held so dear, still fucking brings me to tears
When I think of the day you held me so near,
So close so dear.
It's been a year...still have wounds and scars.
Thinking about how we got so far,
and how torn apart our hearts are.
Well, MY heart is.
and how difficult being in love is
Now I regret it, cant forget it.
stab me open, bleed me dry.
Tonight tonight, I'll cry and cry,
and pray I die.

Then the night before I wrote this little poem
for a kid I used to know:



December 16: SISTERS BIRTHDAY.

December 17:
I saw Kevin today.
The whole day I anticipated seeing him and wrote him
cute little poems.
Then we went to church,
where I got to watch him play basketball.
[where some kid tried hitting on me. ew]
Kevin's so amazing, really.
Then him and chris chilled at my house 'till 1030.
Where we talked about random things with his head in my lap.
:D
[i love him]
he makes me feel so confident lately,
knowing someone loves me for me,
gives someone confidence for the world,
and makes you strive more, to be yourself.

cute little poems:
You're my inspiration,
My hearts....electrification.
My aching bones,their vacation.
You're the best boy to walk into
in my generation.

If only I could express,
how I feel,
I'd shock you with my words
Time will show,
my love is real.

If only I could explain,
as I lay upon the floor,
how much I mean it,
when I say "I love you more"

As I'm laying here

Listening to you breath,
Listening to you sleep
this unfamiliar feeling,
it washes over me.
Like i'm sitting by the sea.
I lay there calmly,
the waves of sound washing over me.
I can hear you,
hear you breath.
Its like this love,
its taking over me.
I want you,
I'd like you,
right here next to me.
So baby baby,
come lay with me.

When I

Look at your pictures,
I remember how I miss you,
How I used to kiss you,
when I look at your pictures,
and I see her standing near
I remember how I need you
Here to whisper in my ear.
When I look at your pictures,
and I see I'm not in them,
It makes me remember
how I loved you baack theen....

Idk, a cute poem I wrote,
I was looking at my best friends pictures,
but decided a cute poem would be better,
if it was lovely.