Laying

my heart out on a table here.

1. My boyfriends fucking superman.
Let's talk about him.
Okay, so I fucking love Kevin okay. [No one reads this. So thanks Jessica.] Omfg. I dont even know what TO say. I never expected this. Before you fall in love, or even the relationship
and you start thinking about who you're going to get with. You put that person in your mind,
and you go over the relationship in your mind, before you get with them.
You have them planned out. You pick them, you think it all over. You've got the foundation figured out. and then you plan on falling in love.
This isnt what happened. This is what I planned on happening, what I expected.
I didnt expect this totally attractive guy to come up to me at the mall, give me his number, and unexpectedly fall in love with him. THAT wasnt a possiblity in my mind. I had decided before he came along, I was fucking scared of love, I didnt want my heart shattered any more than it could have possibly been. I was so fucking scared. I knew at that time, that I was going to pick the person out, and I was going to wait forever, and take my time. Figure it all out, then lay my heart out on the line, in pure vulnerabilty and high hopes.
NO. I talk on the phone with this guy, his smiling image barely present. I got to know his personality and his looks couldnt affect me. But his voice, and his personality he had it. I knew I liked him, and I had decided It would be a change, and I was taking my chances. Ask Jessica, I was trippin balls calling him. Like "Wtf, what if this guys a creeper? What if he turns out to be the best guy ever" Psh yeah right. I didnt believe in this right guy shit. I was ripped apart and confused. Most my friends werent treating me right, and coulda cared less. Jessica cared. and the rest slowly drifting away. I didnt believe there was someone who could possibly give me the motivation to lay my vulnerable sensitive shattered and taped back together heart on the table. Fuck that shit.
But talking to him, everyday, falling asleep on the phone, imagining what we could be. Simply intrigued me. I wanted no more than to take my chances.
He told me all these things that made me like him even more every day. Told me about his wounds, his scars, his pain, the baggage he carries. And god, how i could relate. I've felt it, been there too. I have my own baggage. But I wanted to make his better, I wanted to be the one to give purpose to his life, and him the purpose in my life. I wanted to make it feel better. I know it'll never go away, and never be the same, but I knew I wanted to make it better because I know that pain like that never truely goes away. It'll always hurt..
Anyway. So here I am, head over heals in love with kevin [who is now on the phone with me] and i'm no longer scared. He spent the night, and it was the best night of my life.
Laying in bed I told him "You're the first guy I'll ever sleep with, and the last" and geeeez how i meant it.
Jessica and I talk all the time about Kevin. and one time she really got me to thinking. Y'know, never have as so much wanted to be with someone every moment of every day. But she told me once that she loved him because she loves me,and loves to see me happy. and never has she seen me so happy. And I, I ask her if we're cute together. She said of course, and that we fit perfectly and match eachother "Kayla and Kevin it even sounds good" she said. I told her, that I cant wait until the day, I see through other peoples eyes the way that they see him and I. She asked me "who thinks of that?" I do. Because I want to be the couple that everybody points at, wishing they were, because i was tired of being the one doing all the pointing. And its so true. I've never fully had the expierence of being in that one relationship, that was worth it all, I thought I was one time, I was in love, I was in love as I could've been at the time. But I was torn apart by all the things wrong in the relationship, put through hell as much as possible, that the relationship itself wasnt worth all the I was going through. But this relationship, it wont die down and not be worth it. I'm prepared to lay my heart out on this table.
Never have I felt more comfortable being vulnerable, and more comfortable making promises. I mean geez, he woke up to me, and still thought I was beautiful? [what a liar. xD] That's a good guy. I mean, when you can sit there and talk forever,
and not care what you're talking about, and know that it doesnt matter, because you can talk about everything, it's a great feeling to feel. I know it's not a lot but it's all I can explain. I love him, and I know I always will. I know I dont love him as much as I can, because I'll love him more with each day that passes but this foundation of our overall love, it's so strong, and I'm not screwing it up this time. It's too meaningful and significant to me.
Kevin, I love you too much for my own good baby. Really. But I wouldnt trade you for the world.



other issue right now-
friends. I hate when friends exclude you from their plans, and then get mad, saying you made no effort. Or when something changes in your life, and they think they're no longer important. It's BS. and it's ridiculous. If you're my friend, you're my friend. and I mean that shit. I'm here with you 'till the end. I may hurt you sometimes, but i'm only human. I'm not perfect. I may try to push you away, but I get hurt too, and that's what I do, just know better than to let me. I hate when people say they're your real friends, and then turn their back on you when times get rough. I wouldnt do that to you, so stop doing it to me. I care about my friends, and I wouldnt do anything to intentionally hurt them. So dont make it seem like I would.