This time

will be the last time we call your naame."

Show was on friday.
First show, quite amazing.
Kevin! amazing too.
that quote above,
is a song i had dedicated to me,
from affiance.
It was pretty cool.
I love shows,
Well, i've been to concerts.
Basically I love live music.
I love to feel as if the bass is coming through the floor,
into the soles of my feet,
pulsing through my veins,
while the bleeding of the guitar,
runs through the air,
my ears abosorbing the sound.
Drowns everything out,
nothing else matters
but you,
the people around you,
and the music running through your soul
as you start to dance and clap your hands,
the moshing behind you grows more intense,
but all you can focus on,
is the way your body feels,
swaying and banging to the beats,
you heart beat trying steadily to keep up.
What an amazing way to be,
standing there,
his arms around me,
no where else,
no where else better to be,
music surrounding me,
falling into the abyss.
Monster energy settling in your veins,
and then you know,
you know then,
that it's not about WHO is in the crowd,
WHAT you're wearing,
WHERE you're standing,
WHEN it's going to end,
It's about WHY you're there.
and why everyone else is there,
to be in a room full of people,
with one common purpose,
music.

What a nice thing to share.

"dont tell me if

I'm dying,
because i dont wanna know.
If I cant see the sun, maybe I should go.
Dont wake me cause i'm dreaming,
of angels on the moon.
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon"

I love when people, or I,
go out on a limb,
and do something you normally wouldnt do,
and hope to a higher power,
that you succeed,
that it could possibly be the best thing you ever did.
All it takes is that little hope and faith,
and you've got yourself going.

Happy thanksgiving.

And the secrets

They come unraveled.
I love when you talk to a friend,
and old boyfriend,
and you guys were never serious,
two day long relationships in middle school.
And you stay friends.
And then years later,
you find out all the secrets they kept,
maybe it's something important,
about how they wanted to give you the kiss of your life
or how they always wanted to hold your hand.
or something as huge as, they secretly wanted to be with you,
for as long as possible.
But they never told you.
Ha. I love finding out these things.
Even if there's nothing you can do about it now.
it's nice knowing,
you're not the only one who wishes things.

"Hey

I think you're cute would you like to be my new best
friend?
we can talk for hours, or just lay in bed.
You're just the type of kid I could grow old with
so wont you walk with me to the park,
up the road[oh oh]?
Told you 'I'll be right back.'
You said 'Ill be the judge of that.
You see,boys have the tendency to run from me
as fast as they can...
I dont know why.'
And I just laughed, and asked if you'd like a coke
or some assorted beverage, from the dinner up the road.
If so, you should walk with me.
Feel free to hold my hand."

You see
There's somethings I JUST dont understand.
And I mean it when I say it.
There's some [very rare] times when I say
"Okay, so I'm pretty good looking."
But really,
I dont see why people think I'm so 'beautiful'
Maybe it's just because I see myself EVERYDAY for 16 years.
and I dont think I'm that special because of that.
I mean,
It doenst mean I wont take your opinion of me in a good way.
Its just sometimes, I really dont understand.
But I wont fight with you [whoever you are] about it,
just for attention.

"Every time

I see your smile,
It makes my heart beat fast.
I know its much too soon to tell,
I'm hoping this will last.
'cause I just always want to have you,
right here by my side.
The future is near, but never certain,
at least stay here for just tonight.

I musta done something right,
to deserve you in my life,
I musta done something right along the way.
I just cant get you off my mind,
and why would I even try?
Even when I close my eyes,
I dream about you all the time.
'cause i just always want to have you
right here by my side
the future is near but never certain,
so please stay here for just tonight

I musta done something right,
to deserve you in my life
I musta done something right along the way.
And even if the moon fell down tonight
There'd be nothing to worry about
because you make the whole world shine."

God I love that song.
Chase Coy is such an amazing writer,
always puts my feelings into words.
Today I saw my mom almost cry,
because i'm growing up,
it made me wish, I wouldnt grow up for a while.

I knew

I had to do it,
and that it's for the best.
But is it wrong to miss someone,
is it some kind of test?
Part of me knew what had to be done,
Part me wishing those other things,
would be gone.
The other part wishes, that he'd have fought me,
Tried to keep me,
Let me know I was important in some way.
But i know, that in this case,
I was never important,
not yesterday
not today,
and not tomorrow.
God I hope, that what i did was right.
Please please,
someone help me through the night

poem

Putting a lot of distance
betweent your body and mine
'cause baby you're done
Done wasting my time.
I've payed my dues,
Ive committed no crime.
All I'm trying to do now
Is make this life of mine
Into something better.
Something I deserve.
Trying to remind myself,
I'm a go getter.

Today

I came home,
I lay my things down on the kitchen counter.
I sit down and my eyes start to wonder,
looking around for things to occupy my mind.
I see the news paper,
it reads to me "8 year old charged for murder of father"
I read this article that so abruptly caught my eye.
This 8 year old kid, living with his father,
The father rented a room with his friend.
So apparently the kid was living with his father,and fathers friend.
and there had been calls of abuse from the neighbors,
but no one thought much of it.
This 8 year old kid, took a shotgun and shot his dad, and dad's friend.
and is being charged for murder, and might get juvenille or execution.
They say in this article
"This kids only 8, there's no way he could understand what he was doing would have such great effects."

So I sit stunned at the society today.
No, this kid knew what he was doing.
That's the problem nowadays.
Us kids, we grow up sooo fast.
We're forced to grow up, in a society that rushes us.
If we dont start understanding at a young age,
we'll never catch up.
and if we stay young and dont mature,
we're outcasts to all the other kids, who grew up faster.
and we're all alone, and weird, and strange, and freaks.
So we force ourselves to grow up.
When really, we shouldn't grow up too fast.
But we do.
and it really upsets me.

"Has anybody ever felt this way...

Has anybody ever been ripped apart,
anybody ever give everything to the one they love?
Am I the only one left behind,
am I the only one who hates goodbyes
God i know this cant go on forever
....
Some nights i lay in bed
just burning up
because i know you're out with someone else.
I was the one who gave up everything for you
when no one would listen, i heard everyword,
it took me so long to see that maybe i'm better off alone."

I dont want to be another nobody to you
Another person who gives my all
but you push away,
and say goodbye, without a second glance.
I dont want to be the one you forget about
Or the one you pretend never existed.
The one you pretend you never loved.
I wanna be the one you desperately cling to.
As your best friend. I'm no longer asking more of you.
I need you, and I need him too.
I need you both, but if you dont want me,
and I dont deserve you,
then let me go.
"if you dont love me, let me go"
because I'm not playing games anymore.
With anyone.
I'm so sick. I can barely hold down my dinner anymore.
I lay awake shaking at night.
Why?
Because I miss you, you may not miss me,
but god, I miss you.
I miss my best friend. The one I told everything to.
THE ONE, I said I'd always be there for,
I said I'd screw up along the way,
and you said you would too.
but I promised i'd always love you.
The matter is, will you always love me too?

"Should they kill me

you're love will fill me,
as warm as the bullets, yeaaaah.
I'll know my purpose
this war was worth it,
i wont let you down.
no i wont, no i wont, i wont
alive [alive] alive with love."

I'm so fucking tired.
So worn out.
So torn,
pieces scattered about,
on the floor,
floor i now lay upon,
wishing, hoping that one day there will be,
something more.

I've never been so... contradictory.
I want to be loved, and to love,
but it scares the shit outta me.
I want to be alone,
but I cant survive alone.
I dont want you to touch me,
but I love cuddling with you.
I dont want to think about it,
but it's all that reminds me of who I am.
I feel so cold, and I like it,
but I wouldnt mind the warmth of arms around me.
I want to do something better,
but I dont have the guts to try.
I want to get up, and have fun.
But there's something comforting about laying alone in my bed.
I wanna be happy,
but I keep screwing up.
I want to be skinnier,
but I keep eating like a fat kid.
I want to get good grades,
but I dont want to study.
I want to be the best
but I lack the confidence.
I want people to think great of me,
but when they do, I dont see why.
But most of all,
I want to love, I want to feel like I'm so very important,
but I'll push you away, because I'm scared,
more so than a vampire at the break of day.
So,
It's fucking confusing.
Why?!

"Abandon all ye...

who gets let in here" says my heart,
now hanging above his bed.

I hate when i'm weak.
When I go up to do something, and say something,
and I start stuttering, and get all sweaty,
and I dont have enough guts anymore,
to say what I was going to say.
I'm not good at face to face talking.
I get so weak, and then I see the vulnerable side of someone,
and I cant take advantage of that.
*sigh*
I wish I could muscle the strength.
I wish I could stop pushing people away.

But it hurts when all i hear is you hanging up.

I wont try that again."

I'm going to change.
I'm going to be better.
I'm gonna get better grades.
I'm going to focus on the important things
Grades, car, mom, best friends.

I deserve to be happy.
My friends being happy makes me happy.

Im so sick of hurting the people around me.
So many times people say to me:
"You never think about how you hurt everyone else"
why do people say that?
Maybe i'm secretly meant to be alone.

Tell me Tell me

What makes you think that you are invincible,
I can see it your eyes that you're so sure.
Please don't tell me that I'm the only one that's vulnerable,
impossible.

I hate sometimes,
when I cant tell things.
When I look at someone, and I cant tell what they're feeling,
or if they feel anything at all.
Because they never show emotion,
always hard on the outside,
and you never see the inside.
Like you,
even when they bring up your mom,
you don't show emotion, that you're sad about it.
Or that it even happened.
It's like you're invincible.
I've seen you blush, once.
Ha. It brightened my day.
[sarcasm-->]"Just looking in my beautiful blue eyes for no reason"
"actually yes" [<---seriously]
and you turned away and blushed, with a nervous laugh.
It's like,
I just want to know that you're not invincible.
That you do have emotions,
and that I might be of some real importance to you.

Poem of the day for my mom:
You won't die alone,
I'll be your house, I'll be your home.

I hate when I'm so close to someone,
and they mean the world to me.
and everyday i think about them everyday,
because they're my best friend,
but its like a one sided street.
and we're growing apart,
and things are changing.
I just want you to know dollface,
that i love you,
Somereason i cant shake the feelings i've had for you.
I miss you.

Dear mother,

I'd stand in the middle of the ocean,

just to drown out the sound,

the sound of your crying,

the soul inside me dieing.

I want it to end,

just pretend,

That we're all okay,

because maybe we will be oneday.

This takes time,

I understand,

I love you always,

So just take my hand.

I hate when my mommy cries,

I just want to hug her,

take all her worries,

and erase them from her mind.

one little worry,

one at a time,

like watching paint dry.