Oh you.

I've used you as a crutch for so long,
that i cant tell what I feel.
I feel like I'm in love with you,
I feel like I need you.
I feel like I'd do better without you around,
but I just cant leave you,
and when you leave me, i feel like I'm dying,
and i feel the need to text you,
and keep you around.
i'm torn in two on what to do.
Keep you, leave you,
Bad, and good.
Situations.
Decisions.
Smiles.
Memories.
Tears.
Which to choose?
I miss you.
And in some way, I love you.

I'm finding it hard to breath
I just wanna fall asleep
I wanna curl up
and push you away from me
I've let you so far in
I'm retreating again
Even after you moved away
I cant go on this way
Tell me again, again.
Tell me you love me, my friend.
Saige Boilanger, please dont let it end.

I dreamt you back into my life last night.

And it felt amazing.

Dream:
I was at school, during lunch,and apparently you still went there.
We werent really on talking terms, but we didnt start shit everyday either. So standing in the lunch line, You're standing behind me, I can feel I was super nervous about it. Then suddenly the lights went out, and everyone was super happy, because we could go home, since they stayed out. You got scared, not really scared, just nervous. You're dad couldnt pick you up, and you just moved outta your moms, so she wasnt really talking to you either. So you tap me on the shoulder "how're you getting home?" I say "Jesse Tudini, He's having people over. I'm sure you can come" To your dismay you said "okay, sure." So we stop talking that's the end of our conversation.
Later, after going to your locker and stuff, you find me and grab my shoulder "so, how's this working?" I say "just come this way, he's giving us all a ride, it might be a bit crowded." "Who's all of us?" "Uhm, Justin, David Neff, His gf emily, Nina, and Doyle." Your eyes go wide "Y'know... i'm just gonna get a ride home" "lexi, don't worry about it. we all understand that you dont really wanna be friends with us, and you just wanna go home, so, you dont have to talk, and we'll try our best to make things not so uncomfortable." "fuck, alright." So you get in the car and squeeze between Nina and I. You dont seem to happy, but i knew you wouldnt be. But i was hoping it was a working progress.
Arriving at jesse's, this part gets hazy.
But my friend Haylee was there, and i was talking to her about how nervous i was. So walking to this restroom, i passed a room, with a single matress, and i saw you sitting and texting, so i passed, contemplating, i turned back around and stood at the door "can, i um, come in?" and you look up with this unsure look on your face between fear, anger, and surprise. So I took a leap, and sat next to you. Nervous i didnt no where to begin but i started with "i'm sorry you're in this position, i know its not really the best, and of all people, here with me." and you say "its fine, i'd just prefer you dont talk to me". So i get up and i walk to the door and turn my head around before leaving, and i remember this speech so clearly:
"Look, i know we fell out. I know i'm to blame.
but i've always loved you, and i havent stopped.
And i cant say that for everyone in your life,
and i'm sorry that i'm like those people who have
hurt you, but there's a difference between them and I,
I wont stop loving you, and i wont stop trying, until
I'm convinced i've done all i can to make it better.
And why is that, because i love you, regardless"
later i find you sitting on jesse's couch and everyone's doing whatever, and you pat the seat beside you, and i take your hand before sitting and i say something along the lines of "i've never been so sorry in my life" and you said "you're nowhere close to being forgiven yet." So i said 'yeah, i understand, but its a step" and examining our hands, i smiled at you, and you actually smiled back.
then i woke up to my puppy biting my face.
Upon falling back to sleep:
Standing in your house, at your moms, making cookies, with my mom. We all stood there, and we helped and helped, then you walked in the door from school, and you
hugged me tightly, and we ran to your room.
Woke up.

These dreams they haunt me all the time.
I suppose I really just, dont mind.

"There is no pain you are receding"

Its been awhile

So I'm gonna do this simply.

New puppy
call him Benji or Noah?
Phone, broke.
Drawing portraits, sucks.
New Laptop for christmas, thanks dad.
No money to buy presents, make it work.
My puppy, attached to me.
No sleep.
itchy throat.
Stressed.
Upset stomach.
Puke.
Shows.
I cry at them.
Best friends, they fight.
Lexi, never far from my mind.
Kevin, cant get to his mind.
Saige, I miss you, man.
Twitter-annoying.
Mom, our last christmas together.
California, warm.
Being a senior, obnoxious, annoying, hard.
Weed, need it.
Pixie sticks, ew, they're all orange.
Isaac, talking to me on myspace.
Andrew, messaged me?
Nina, wants to hang out. <3
Us 4, would never be the same.
Haylee.
Ashley.
Jessica.
Blisters.
Upset a lot.
Nick and Norah's infinte playlist, thanks.
Presents.
Whining.
Annoyed.
Tyler Ingram, Mr. Heros.
Magical internet?
Benji, ooorrr Noah?!!?
red fingernails.
Drunk.
12:34.
Late nights.
"we're just two lost souls,
swimming in a fish bowl, year after year"
"there is no pain, you are receding"
Anime club.
The resevoir.
Senior Pictures.
SAT, ACT.
Graduations soon.
Failing grades, workin on it.
Driving.
Krystal.
Andrea.
Amanda.
Sydney.
Kritika.
Amber Angle.
Libby Shaffner, I miss you.
Best friend-suicidal
Lil Marty.
Alex Legra.
Ben Copeland.
Jon Sprouse.
Saige Boilanger...
Brandon Caldwell.
Logan Paone.
9th grade math class, Mrs. Harp.
Summer (ugh. she's in my science class)
Cody Eagen, I wanna punch you.
Aaron Williams, wowww.
Now i'm upset.
K, bye.

Shoot out the lights.

"City lights the water as the snow forgets the sky
And we're staring at the bridges just like every other night

We've been watching for a miracle
We're praying for a sign
When the cure is made of poison then it's hard to rest your eyes

If it's time
Oh
Lord
Shoot out the lights
Shoot out the lights

Heavens shake with anger and the clouds
They curse the ground
And I'm screaming for an answer but the darkness blinds me now

We will not survive on misery
We will fill ourselves with love
We are searching
We are hopeful
We are anything but lost

I see the stars in black and white
And I pray to God most every night
(Shoot out the lights)"


This pain inside me it grows.
You've built me up,
and broke me down.
I'm crying, I'm crawling,
You've broke me.
Like i always hoped and had faith,
that you wouldn't.
I expected it from everyone else,
but never from you.

You scream at me,
"FUCK YOU"
I scream at you,
"I LOVE YOU!"
This is no way to live,
this is no way to be,
You hate me,
You love me.
You loath me,
you adore me.
Make up your mind,
and fight for me.
I fight for you,
I let down my walls,
I've been vulnerable
I've been hurting these past few months.
Hurt for me,
let down your walls for me.
Change yourself for me,
Because i'll change for you,
I have changed,
I've changed into you,
and you don't like it,
not at all do you?
Now you see why i get so
upset with you?
What i've done to you,
Who i've been to you,
is who you've been to me.
Don't like it?
I'm sorry, I dont like it either.
IT FUCKING HURTS, DOESNT IT?!
I dont like you right now,
and you sure as hell dont like me.
I LOVE YOU, by god, oh my, how i do love you,
but i dont like what your doing,
how you're treating me,
how disrespectful you are of me.
and you dont like the same things
about me.
What a coincidence huh?

You gotta fix yourself,
and I've gotta fix me.
Wanna fix us?
WE have to fix us?
Is it worth it to you?
Show me, because i'll show you,
if you give me the chance,
if you LET ME IN,
I will show you.
But i have not the strength to
keep trying, if you keep fighting.
Just let me in,
like i've let you in,
it hurts, pain hurts,
but its part of a relationship,
and we cant have one,
if you wont allow it.

K.
Thanks.

Wow

Thanks you.
Thanks, to you too.
Thanks for being honest.
Thanks for being an ass.
Thanks for saying "fuck your girlfriend"
Thanks for not really caring.
Thanks for giving me things, i can get from others.
Thanks for EVERYTHING.
THANKS EVERYONE.

I wanna start doing shit for myself.
I've done so much for others,
when will i realize,
that people are just taking advantage of me.
FOR REAL?!
I'm sick of hurting MYSELF.
Taking peoples shit, hurting myself.
Not being honest with myself, hurting myself.
Not doing what i know is right for me, hurting myself.
You may think I'm stupid, I'm not.
I know what's really going on, and thanks.
You think i hate you,
I dont. Sorry for making you out to be a bad person.
I'm so sick of pretending to be this person i'm not.
Since when have i EVER put up with this much.
Since when did i CHANGE? Its stopping.
I wanna figure myself out,
and i need to.
Please, just let me.

Dear mom

I'm glad i disappoint you.
I'm glad i've failed you.
I'm glad i hurt you,
and ashame you.
and etc etc..

Not!

This past week has been the worst of my life
from thinking i'm pregnant to making my mom
want to commit suicide, and her screaming it
in my face as she tells me how much i've failed
her. and how much "my daughter isn't my daugter
anymore" And so on so on.
My already extremely low confidence in myself,
cant take the pain you're putting on it.
There's nothing worse, than being a failure to
your mom.
Than to know, that she thinks you literally dont
give a shit. That I dont appreciate the things
she does. Or that I'm a horrible daughter.
And all i'm gonna do in the next year of my life
is screw over everyone in it.
Thanks. Thanks alot.
Out of all people to hear it from,
I never thought i'd hear it from my own mom.
It's a reality check.
And it hurts like a bitch.

"Why do i stay here kayla, do you know why i stay?"
"no.."
"FOR YOU! I'm so fucking unhappy, and i stay here,
to make you happy... And what do i get?! If it weren't
for you, I'd be in alabama. Livin the life. A three
bedroom house, with a man who loves me! if it werent
for you!"
Thanks mom, I'm glad I'm such a burden on you, it
feels great it really does.

"Why are you graduating early, because your dad
and i paid for it, and what's our reward? you
running off to california with kevin. Great. Nice
to know you fucking care so damn much. If you wanna
run off with kevin. GO do it now. Leave! I dont give
a damn."
Woww. Okaay. If only she could hear my answer to the
question "Why are you graduating early"... My answer
every single fucking time... is:
"Because mom and don got divorced, and i want my mom
to be happy, and i dont want to hold her here for much
longer. Because she promised she'd stay here, until i
graduated, and she wants to be with her boyfriend, who
makes her really happy, and if i move out sooner,
the sooner she can leave, and she'll be happy too. Because
she deserves it."
and everytime i tell someone that they say
to me:
"No man is more important to your mom than you,
she's probably more than happy to stay with you"
Ha wow, i guess not.
Sorry mom.

All I've ever done, is just stand there
and i take it, and i take it,
and i take it, and take it.
and then.. when she leaves the room,
I bawl my eyes out.
There's no one i care more for than my own
mother,
and everyone in my life KNOWS that.
I'm just young, and i do things, and i'm out
and about,
sorry if that makes you wanna commit suicide,
because you think i dont care.
Sorry for failing you.
Sorry for going to school, and trying to get good grades.
Sorry for being an overall good child.
I love you too.

There's new things on my agenda

You-
Talk to you, see you more, fix whatever is wrong with us,
something happened, i dont know where, I dont know when.
but i want you to talk to me about what's deep inside you,
that bothers you most. I wanna try to see your more often,
regardless of our circumstances, and what's going on in our
lifes, as we carry on, i wanna carry on with you.

You-
I want to be your best friend, I wanna be able to trust you.
I want life to throw us things, and be able to get through.
You've hurt me so much, but its not just you, its me, if only
I could get passed somethings, and trust that you love me..

You-
I dont like thinking about you. I want you to go away.
You're past being my best friend. You're so cute, and so
adorable, and the you i knew was so nice. I dont understand
why things had to go this way. I miss you all the time, you're
always on my mind, so much, that its not even right.

You-
I dont get to see you much either, but i partied with you
the other day, "your long brown hair and your big blue eyes
i'm thinking about making you mine tonnigght". You're my best
friend to all end, though i dont give you much credit, you do
alot for me, and you're a really strong person, I dont know how
you do it, but you do, you're awesome, i love you.

You-
i'm tired of worrying about you, wondering how you're doing. You
broke my heart last year, and it pisses me off, that you dont even
give me the gratitude i deserve for everything i did for you. Its
like you pretend that i wasn't one of the greatest things to happen
to you, and to admit that, you're horrified. But its okay, because i
know we were great friends, and no one could ever top it, no matter how
much you deny it.

You-
You said i'm a failure to you, and that i've failed you. I wont fail you anymore.

Lately

I've been hitting some tight spots,
been stuck in some corners,
torn between decisions.

A lot is going on right now,
but really nothing at all.
People want me to talk to them
about my issues, and "whats wrong"
But really, there's nothing to talk about,
there's no way to explain it.
Its just this hovering feeling of
being trapped.

Words:
Trapped.
Pregnancy.
school work.
Graduating.
Mitchell Davis.
Kevin.
Baby?
Kevin.
Decisions.
Jess
Rylie
Haylee
Andrea
Dora
Chipotle
Logan Paone.
cigarettes.
Craving.
Skittles.
Pee.
Class ring.
My dad.
Homework.
Homework.
Homework.
Owl City.
Kevin's pay check.
Planned Parenthood.
Ripped jeans.
Upset,
stomach knots.
Phone.
Alone.
Bored.
Upset.

Etc
Etc.

I've been neglecting some things,
and i've been hoping for the best,
and i'm starting to pray,
and i've got a string of hope
to last me a long way.

10 mintues to write

before my comp dies.

I spend most of my days upset.
I dont know what to do anymore.
There's a girl i wanna murder sometimes,
and a boy that hurts my feelings more than he knows.
Blame it on my trust issues,
tell me she's not special,
and then make her appear special.
If she's not special,
why cant she leave your life.
why is she #3 on your top?
Why does she get "baby, and love"
Why does she appear so special.
I love you, but i cant be hurtin like this.
Say i should trust you,
but why?
Because you love me?
I dont FEEL or KNOW that you love me,
because you cant prove it to me very well,
I wander around all day,
wondering if you love me
even an eighth of how much i love you.

I have two best friends who cant get along,
and i dont have time, to divide my time.
I already divide it between them and him.
and now them.
I just want things to be smooth for once.

I wanna be happy.
I wanna KNOW i'm loved,
I wanna be able to trust you.
I wish you knew how much you hurt me,
but i love you anyway.

You

Make my emotions
Go up and down.
I see you
and all my walls come down.

I never know what to say,
How is it you make me feel this way?
One look in your eyes,
and my life fades away,
and dreams of you and me began.

You always look so perfect,
when you wake up in the morning,
when the show lights hit your face,
There's nothing you do,
that's made me not love you.
You've hurt some people,
and you've made some mistakes,
But you get your fair share.
and when you do,
I just wanna be there.
I wanna be the one you talk to
when you cry.
The one you run to,
when the world has run from you.
I wanna be the one you hug,
just so your day goes smooth.
I wanna be the one you love,
becuase i love you.

Heartbreak.

So there's all kinds,
especially when you're big hearted,
and you're generous, and kinda,
and you lend out your vulnerabilty,
whether it goes unnoticed or not.

I swear the kind that hurts the worse,
is the kind you hope never happens.
All my life guys have let me down,
I guess when i met you,
I hoped that wasn't the case.
All my life i've always said,
"you Have to expect that people will let you down,
becuase then when they do, it's not surprising.
If you don't expect much, it's harder for them to
let you down"

But when it comes to you,
you have my heart,
and the slightest little thing,
can hurt me the worst.
Its not that you're a let down,
but when it comes to my heart,
I cant help but to want the best for it.

I would never say these words,
except now, i'm just really hurt.
When i read those words that you wrote,
of all people, to her.

I swear i could feel my heart break,
with every word i read,
my heart tore right down the center,
and for you it surely bled.

My lungs hurt still,
and my chest hasnt stopped hurting,
from collapsing of my chest,
and the lunging in my heart.

I know i can treat you like shit sometimes,
but dont worry,
you always get your fair share in.
I dont know what to think,
my hearts torn in what to believe,
I guess your chest speaks it all,
"The best part of believe is the lie"
Because right now,
my heart is crumbling inside.
But deep inside my heart,
i know i'll only forgive,
simply because i cant forget.
Sure my heart will hold a grudge,
but know my mind means well.
I dont know who to blame,
is it you, or is it myself?

Did I do something wrong somewhere,
did i simply not do enough?
Did you fake it all along,
Just to prove you're tough.

Did i become too vulnerable,
blinded by my love for you?
Did you see an oppurtunity,
to use a girls feelings for you,
and break them down,to boost your ego?

I've seen you lie,
I've seen the way you come and go,
I've seen the way i blush over you,
and i see the way my feelings flow.

Did I not give you enough attention,
becasue i know thats what you crave?
Is it somehow my fault, taht i'm feeling like this,
because i'm hurt, i'm crying,
i just cant believe this.

I want to believe you,
but i swear, just like i told you,
every time i open up,
it comes back around and bites me.
It's like i cant get it right.
and love just likes to spite me.


"I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late and,
I'm already torn"

things

And times have been hard lately.
I've kept somethings to myself...
Seems so loud inside my head,
But i dont feel like talking.

I feel so alone lately,
homesick, lovesick,
The countless fights,
long drawn out nights.
I just wish i could say,
all that's on my mind.

Things haven't gone
quite the way i'd like,
my constant nerves,
and our frequent fights.

I've got so much on my mind,
someone hear me out,
i dont know what i want
or what to speak about.

Certain people,
certain things,
Who to tell,
who to blame?

I can't be alone,
no not again,
just stay around,
i could always use a friend.



People have been coming in
out, and around my life lately.
Relationships have been changing.
I lost my best guy friend,
He says its for the best,
But i've lost that one more friend,
that i confide in.
But amongst the ones leaving,
some have came back.
I guess i'll never know,
just where my life is at.

The next three weeks

Are going to be the hardest of all.
The weeks i go to my dads
are long and never ending.

The feelings never cease to end.
All those years of your neglect,
why do I feel guilty?
What did i do?!
Not ask for enough time with you.

I know i'm not the perfect daughter,
but if i could be and i could make you happy
I strive for it everytime i'm with you.
I secretly wish i could stop pretending,
but the guilt traps me, and i keep trying.

I know, that i AM a good person,
and i wish i could simply show you that,
and have you accept it.

These three weeks are going to be
the most insecure, vulnerable, hurtful
weeks of my life.
And i'm going to face it all alone.
It's time to stand up?

Chapter one

No one knows what she conceals
behind her fake smiles and brown eyes
She turns to the last of her pills,
She can't bear another night alone,
Knowing he's walking the city
letting his heart roam.
She begins to choke,
the thin air filling her throat,
as she remembers
the lovely workds he once spoke.
To help calm the nerves she grabs a pack
and pulls one out to smoke.

At the age of 16 she couldn't be more damaged.
Heart broken and shattering, begins to hammer
with a love she can only help but to miss,
While sitting in the dark of this night.

Every night is the same,
with frightened dreams,
filled wither her rugged edged thoughts.

If only he knew
how destructive he was when tearing her heart in two.
As the pills go down,
her blond hair falls in her face,
causing memories of herself once,
filled with grace and elegance.
Now heart broken and destroyed-
that girl is no longer,
because that girl was stronger.
And this new replacement will never be.

Her ciggarette ashes fall on her leg
and through her ripped jeans,
her pale skin starts to burn
watching, she hopes she'll learn.
someday,
learn that pain isn't always the easiest way.

Her mom and boyfriend cause another fight in the living room,
Another scene she'll have to break up soon.
before mom gets torn up and bruised.

As her eyes began to blur,
while staring at her own bruises
she begans to wonder,
will anyone ever understand,
does anyone have the time,
will anyone eventually save her
before she runs out of her own time.

Sometimes

I just feel as if i'll never measure up,
as if i'll be just a mistake.
Sometimes i feel as if i'll never
ease the pain,
or as if i wont be the one you really wanted.
Maybe that you'll never be okay,
you'll never forget her,
and you wont stop loving her, i know how it is.
And one day you're gonna realize,
you don't love me,
and it's gonna be a pitiful relationship,
one you don't wanna end,
because you don't wanna cause me pain.
To be honest, I love you so much,
i just know deep down inside,
i'm not and never will be the one you really love.
Because you can't let go of her,
and i know it's true.
Just one day i hope you realize,
its me,
ME that loves you.
Even if you never love me back,
or if my patience runs out...
Just know i love you,
and i'm scared as hell you'll walk out.
"You're free to leave me, just don't decieve me."
Six months... has it all been a lie.

It's you

It's you, the one that I miss,
It's you, I go crazy
with the absence of you kiss.
It's you and the things you do,
that make me fall in love,
more and more with you.
It's you that I cling to,
when there's fear in my heart.
It's you that I love,
no matter how far apart.
It's you and me,
and the days that come,
that make me realize,
you'll always be the only one.

It's you and the way that you smile,
it's you, i begin to miss after a while,
it's you and the way you came into my life,
and it's the way you help me in strife.
It's you and the thing we do,
like run in cold streams, the way we do.
It's the adventures we take,
and it's the way i'll always love you,
no matter how big the mistake.
It's the way you understand,
the way you hold my hand.
it's the way you know what to say,
and I'll always love you, no matter how far away.

Ugh

When I look at you pictures
it makes me sick,
Whenever I think of you,
my heart rips.
Your face disgusts me,
and it haunts my dreams.
I can't believe what came of you,
Not only did you rip my heart in two,
I can't even recognize you.
Betweent he person you are now,
and the person you once where.
My love for you has detured,
but the remnants of memories
they still remain,
at any mention or sound of your name.
The though of your kiss,
makes my skin crawl,
and my heart cruble.
To think I accepted someone
such as yourself in my life
To destroy me, and ruin me.
But here you are,
as different as ever,
I can't look at you,
I gave my all to you,
and you took it all in,
I gave you my life,
all that I had left,
every little piece,
every small detail,
the only thing I had left,
and To look at pictures of you,
and to know they make me sick,
I still remember,
every moment,
every smile,
every kiss,
every touch,
every embrace,
every look on your face.
I still remember that day too.
It's so hard to believe,
someone such as myself,
could've fallen in love with someone
such as yourself.

I realize now when you told me these things,
I realized who you are, and who you've become, and how much I wasted my time,
and it's these things I'll never forget

"Its high time i stop trying so hard at shit i'm no good at.
Like caring, because i honestly don't give a fuck
and i havent for a long time
i've been so obsessed with holding on to whatever sentimental and nostalgic chunks of myself that linger like ghosts in my mind that i never realised how fucking awesome my life really is now. Nothing before now matters. No one before now matters.
i had fun but it wasnt worth it
so now if you'll allow me i owe this to you.
Consider every promise i ever made to you broken
Consider all the plans we ever made null and void
we're not friends
i won't hear you out or stand up for you or take your side
on the contrary
i'll listen to you cry as i stand by the wayside and watch you rot
you are alone now
i've moved on"

"Kayla, whehter it be doors, paths, decisions, choices. Its the same shit. You can't have your fucking cake and eat it too. You can go down one road and i'll be there, you can go down another and i won't and your pissed at me because you went the wrong way? Thats fucking stupid. We're not the same. We never will be. You'll always be smarter and more rational than me, but i'll always be stronger than you. And youre a spoiled selfish ignorant child if you think you can be who you want and do what you want and never have to answer for it. I want to paint the walls with your head and a shotgun. You can take your road and have your fun and you can do it alone. And you can prove me right again. And you can be another notch in my belt. Congratulations.

You'll just be something more to forget.
You'll be time well-wasted.
You'll be another point in the process of elimination

Let's be honest
wherever you are
YOU WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME"

I don't do good alone.

I was thinking before my nap today
Ever since McCary broke my heart,
things, especially relationships seem hard to accept.

You see, My first love, and I was so in love. Oh boy.
but, I knew I was in love, and I was so sure. And for
once in my life at the time, I was so sure he was in
love with me too. And I was soo sure that it would work
out, simply because I knew I was in love with him,
and I KNEW he loved me too. That's just how it was,
For once, I was sure that someone had loved me.
Like, it was so real, that when it came down to it,
There's was nothing that would've crossed my mind to say
"He doesnt love me" because I was just so sure, because
he showed it so well, because he explained it so well,
because He claimed so much to be in love with me.
And in the end,
he admitted he never loved me.

To go a year, being so sure, and then knowing that
they made you feel so sure, without it even being true.
Without actually being in love with you, they made you feel
so sure that they were. They made you believe it so well.

And now, when it comes down to it, I'm not so sure.
I try really hard to say "I know you love me.I know this"
because honestly, If McCary could do it, anyone could.
Anyone could easily make me believe, therefore I find
it so hard to believe "You love me" to be so sure about it.
People do so many things, and tell me all the time,
the way they love me, and how much.
But to be honest, I'm not that quick to believe.
Because in the end, I know they could easily be pretending.
That's how I really feel. That's how scared I really am.

And for once, I just wanna feel that again, I just wanna
be able to believe, to be able to have myself be so sure,
omg, I could only dream. I just wanna be able to get rid
of this constant reminder of how easily it could be fake.
How easily I could be convincing my self of something untrue.
Sure it doesnt make sense to anyone who hasn't expierenced it,
but it's so scary. So impossibly scary, and it's this feeling
that just hangs over you. And I want it to be gone,
because I want to be able to accept that someone might actually
mean the things they say, and that they love me,
because when I accept that, Then I'm truely happy.




That's all I want, is to be truely happy.

Things I need to say

So it's 5 months today...and I spent it alone.
"I'll be there at 3"
Must've been a fool to believe it.
Because people, shouldn't believe the ones they love, right?
Lately, people have let me down.
Never did I ever expect you would.
I've seen a change in the things you do, and the things you say.
Though I love you, all the same.

I remember the times, you were so crazy about me,
it was like you couldn't breath with out me being there,
without talking to me.
I remember when you would tell me all those cute little things
"I can't even think of any other girls, youre so perfect, you just took
that power away from me" "I love you soo much,the rest of the world doesn't matter"
"I'm going to turn this music off. Talk to me."
I remember you would introduce me "THIS is the one, this is my girlfriend"

But now, it's like you could care less whether I'm there, whether you talk to me. Seems like you'd prefer to play video games. So I just don't talk. If only you knew I can't breath.
Now it seems like, everyone else matters, more than me.
I would call and ask if you want to hang out,but it's your schedule that's so jumbled, so it's up to YOU whether we hang out.
Sure, it doesn't have to be every second of every day.
But a little more than what's happening now, would be nice.

I just want some appreciation. Sure, I can't give you everything, because I don't have much to give. and sometimes, i won't do exactly what you'd like, like make you waffles, or straighten your hair. But I give as much as I can, and sometimes I feel like shit, because it seems like you don't notice.

You always ask me if there's anything about you that bothers me,
and it's starting to show. You really change alot when we're around
people. When we're by ourselves, it's like you really care,
then we go somewhere, and it's like you care about everyone so much more than me.
I can't wait until you get a car, because I'm hoping things will change.
Like in the mustang that night, when you picked me up, just because you wanted
to be with me. and it was just you and me in the car, it felt like everything was
right, like that was how it was supposed to be.

I know you said you try to be tough, and not show how "crazy" you are for me. Why? Do you think it makes you seem not as good? Because honestly, i love when you SHOW how important I am to you, when you tell me how important I am. For example, if I were surrounded by a bunch of my friends, and talked to them, instead of you, just left you to sit there, aht the bar eating chex mix, it'd kinda suck.
BECAUSE when i go places wiht you, I'm there for you, not for them.
I'm in LOVE with you, not everyone else.
and I just want you to feel that way too.
I want you to be proud to be my boyfried, or at least pretend you are.
I have this belief that you;d be just as fine without me





i love you more than anything. Because of that, you can break my heart like anything else. you can make my emotions go from one extreme to the next, with
the tiniest little thing, and sometimes, i just wish you'd realize the way the things
you do affect me.

Jessica

There's so much I've got to get off my chest,
and i know you'll read this.

I love you sooo much.
You're the best thing to arrive in Ohio
since I've been here.
You go out of your way to do things for me.
I want to do so much for you, all the time,
the only thing is, I can't really.
I don't have money or the things I need to give
you all I want to give you.
I want to supply you with the world.

I know you don't like Ohio that much,
and you're going back to Maryland in a little more
than a day.
Honestly, I'm not mad you're going,
not at all.
Perhaps I'm jealous because you have
the oppurtunity, I never had.
Jealous, because you're going to see NSN,
and I know I'm not that fortunate.
But Also, I'm afraid.
I know you'll go back,
and I don't know what exactly you'll get from it...
But I know it'll be a bunch of heartache when you come back.
You'll just miss it so much more after you get back...
and you'll cry all the time,
and you'll be so upset, and I won't even know what to do
or what to say, or how to make it better.
And you'll sit there and say "ohio really sucks"
and I know what it's like, Canton isn't really that great.
But it wasn't that great for me at first either,
and now look where I'm at.
Sure it's not the funnest place, and there's nothing
you can really do....
But, a place is only as boring and fun, as you make it.
I just wish I could make Ohio so much better,
and when you say it sucks to me, and you just wanna get out,
and you miss maryland,
I feel like things will never be okay, like I'm not trying
hard enough.
I just want you to be happy,
and I know when you come back things are going to be
so upset, and you're going to be so down.
I just don't want you to change the way you're going
right now. You're doing so good, with your grades,
with you job, and all of it's for maryland,
and once you get back, i hope you keep the progres up,
even though your motives are gone.
Just know that I love you,
and I'm oh so proud of you.



One day we'll leave this town,
but it's here I'll always return,
it's here, the place of let downs
but it's here, my heart has learned.

You can roam free,
to explore your wildest dream,
But know it's here,
you can always return to me.

This may not be much of place,
but since you arrived,
The sun has shone brighter
this town has grown more beautiful,
since you blessed it with your grace.

"sugarplum"

I love you.

Track 1: Take it home.
"take it off, take it off, i can't wait any more i need your touch...Ice ice melt your heart"
This song makes me think of those crazy nights when you wanna have a good time,
and you want to forget all the problems surrounding you, and you get lost in the arms of some boy, whose touch makes your skin crawl and chills go up your spine.

Track 2: Candle 'Sick and Tired'
"All this darkness will surround you, because I'm burning for you, burning like a candle"
This song reminds me of when I'm fed of with people and I just wanna get my anger out
because I'd already pent up all the anger i could muster, and I'm about to combust,
and I'm sitting on the edge of my bed, elbows on my knees, head in my hands, and start screaming this song at the top of my lungs

Track 3: Secret Valentine
"We'll write a song, that turns out the lights"
"We'll hope it's not for nothing at all"
"Lay down be still, don't worry talk they will, I'll be loving you until
mornings first light"
This song makes me want to hold your hand, walking down the sidewalks in New York City, and we're the only people we see, because everyone's passing by so fast, and rushing by, and we're taking our time, cruising along, in friendship.

Track 4: I caught Fire (in your eyes).
"Just stay with me. Lay with me now...Never caught my breath, every second I'm without you I'm a mess"
This song is the type of song, that makes me feel like someone understands, like I can wrap my arms around myself, and possibly hold myself together, knowing, someone else feels the falling apart feeling I am.

Track 5: American Girl
"She couldnt help thinking that there's a little more life somewhere else."
This song makes me smile, because it's unique. It makes me wanna walk down a dark deserted city, with it playing in the background. :]

Track 6: My Beautiful Rescue
"My bones are shattered, my pride is shatterd, and in the midst of this self inflicted pain, I can see my beautiful rescue"
This song has two meanings to me, It means my friendship with you, because you were my rescue,I needed you, I NEED you. EVerything you do... I'm so thankful for you.
And of course, Kevin, but simply because he showed it to me, to express his love for me, and it meants for him, that I do love him, and that he showed up right at the rihgt time also.

Track 7: I wanna Dance with Somebody
"when the night falls, the lonliness calls. OH! I wanna dance with somebody. I wanna feel the heat with somebody"
:] This song, you're so right. It makes me wanna grab the person closest to me, and take their hands and jump around dancing in circles while screaming my lungs out. Lol. lookin' like a crazy person.

Track 8: Age is old
I don't have a favorite quote. It starts out wonderful "it's your birhtday aren't you scared, your jeans and your pretty hair. and all the boys are after you" I'm crying right now. it's so beautiful.It makes me wanna be held, someone to play and sing it for me... It's exactly like me... "you make me weak when you bite my lip, you twist my head" "I don't mind and I dont care, just take me anywhere"... God jess... I don't even know what to say. I love you so much. So fucking much. Idk where I'd be without you, probably no where, alone...laying in my bed without anyone to understand. "Just, get me outta here"

Track 9: Shut up
"So shut up shut up, don't wanna hear it, get out of my way"
This song, makes me feel better, if I'm angry. :]Especially at some bitch,
who puts me down.

Track 10: Losing It
"All we ever did was move around, I was always the new kid, never the cool kid"
"My heart was racing, my mind was screaming you've got your whole life to do these things, but my legs were shaking, my hands were searching for her, in the backseat of my car, I just lost it"
This song is the definition of losing my virginity. I was th enew kid, my life was ruined, I wasn't cool anymore. I just wanted to be love. I thought I loved him and if I did know he wasnt' true... La dadada dahda dah.

Track 11: I'll be there for you
"where as my heart lays bleeding, true love, it's suicide"
This song, is that song, you lay in your bed to, after somebody hurts you, and you don't know how to explain how you feel, and you just loove the person, no matter what.

Track 12: See you again.
"I stutter when you ask me what i'm thinkin about"
Definition of a middle school crush. Haha. this song makes me turn it up, and dance around in the car, remembering, the old times.

Track 13: Happy Ending
Omg. I didn't realize what song this was... I love this song. It's so cute. He's got a amazing voice, it's really soothing, It's the one you walk around the house blaring, half drunk, upset, clinging to the bottle in your hand.

Track 14: Paper Chase
"it was the best of times from broken homes and battle scars to where we are"
OMG! This song, whenever I graduate, i'm driving away with it blaring. :] Amazing.

Track 15: Come one, come all
"you're just in time to witness my first break down. There's a mile gone for every minute i'm stuck in this town"
Haha. I wanna sing this in the car with you, down by the beach, with the windows down, and forgetting everythign.

Track 16: Summers Eyes
This song in general is amazing... Wow. It makes me wanna lay in a meadow with you,
on a warm, breezy summer day. Thinking about the good and bad times, singing our mellow hearts out. :] "I don't know the first thing about how to save the world" "I don't claim to understand the first thing about love"
Haha. It calms me, makes me smile.

Thoughts

I hate knowing that anything can be easily faked,
and that any bad intentions can be disguised.
I hate knowing that things can change, with one thought.
It's pretty scary.

I get pretty scared a lot.
Afraid I always counteracted some sort of trigger,
and I did something wrong somewhere,
to make someone change their mind.
I'm always afraid of losing everyone,
Afraid of screwing up.

I'm afraid I'll never be good enough,
afraid I'll be a nobody,
that deserves nothing.

I'm so afraid to be by myself,
Because I'm insecure no one will like me.

Sometimes, I wish people could say more,
express more, how much I'm loved.
Sometimes, I wish people wouldn't hold back
on the things they're thinking.
Sometimes, I wish you wouldn't worry about
being so tough, and just come straight out.
Sometimes, I wish I would just let go of
somethings, and learn to fully trust.


I feel like I'm wasting life away,
holding back, because I'm just so scared,
scared of it all.
People, they just don't understand,
I feel as if I'm walking all alone sometimes,
and no one will ever notice,
because i'll never say,
becasue I'm just so scared,
to give it all away.

I sit here

and I can think of the old times.
when I was all you saw,
and You were all mine.

Everytime it seems fixed.
things seem to mess up,
I'm scared I'm lost.
It all seems so uncertain.

I say the things I feel
when I feel I know how to say it.
I never know what to say
and how to say,
or when.
and I'm always questioning the right time.
I just want our time,
to be right everytime.

Time is one of these things.
I sit here and let it pass me by.
but now I realize,
there's no reason why.
And I need to fix that,
and I'm sure one day,
I'll find the reason why.

So....

I'm so fucking pissed.
I have all these feelings,
Angry,
Upset,
Confused,
Scared.
Pent up inside me,
and I'm ready to explode.
I don't feel like talking about it,
but it's driving me crazy.
I just wanna scream
at him
at her
at everyone.
I'm just so upset right now.
I dont know what to do anymore.
I don't know what's right.
I don't know how to fix this.
I just want it to fucking GO AWAY.
Period.
Simple as that.
I want her to fucking disappear.
And the other her too.
And them.
Everyone.


I'm done with this shit,
Someone fix it,
and make it right.
Because someone messed it up.

Ugh

I'm tired of this.
I want it to just go away.
Tired of wondering about it.
Just make it, make it all go away.

I'm done with this consistent problem.
It needs to disappear.
End of story.
No more "okays"... Not what I wanna hear.

Things I need to say, just to get them off my chest

Dear ___________,

I love you more than anything. Not as much as I could, because I don’t love myself, and in order to love you as much as I can, I’ve got to learn how to love myself. Sometimes my thoughts and mind scare me. Because I know things, that I just don’t like admitting to myself, but they’re constantly in my mind, and here I’m pouring them out.

You can have any one of them you please. Any one of them would kill to take my place. All you would have do is say the word. Waiting there at your grasp, ever single one willing, to make you replace me. If we were to fall apart, any of them willing to make you forget me, it’d be simple just to replace me. They’re all so pretty, and I’m not so special.

You like this at your grasp and sometimes you flaunt it. You know they all want you, and somewhere inside, that pleases you. To know, you can have anyone you want, that’s got to be a guilty pleasure. Dangling them all on a string, it’s pathetic of them. But who am I to talk, you’ve got me wrapped around you finger in love, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do, if only I could give you every star above. The only thing I have over them, is I know neither will love you as I love you now and forever. Everywhere we go, there’s at least 5 just wanting you to give the cue, and who’s just standing there beside you? Watching as they quiver with hope. You do everything you can to lead them on, to make them want you. When really, is it not enough that I want you, with everything I have, and all of them combined, I just want you as mine.

Yet in myself somewhere I know, all of the opposite gender want me too. I could flash a smile and make them melt, if I had the confidence. But do I flaunt this? No. Because it doesn’t matter to me whether they want me or not, because you wanting me, is quite enough. You’re so perfect, it’s insane…I don’t understand , why out of everyone you could choose, you chose me? Sometimes I don’t understand how I got so fortunate. You’re all I’ve ever asked for, all I’ve ever wanted, and you appeared out of no where. I just happened to be in the right place, at the right time. Pure coincidence.

You have this capability to melt me with a smile, or a laugh. You complain about your body, as if it’s not perfect, the smoothest skin just asking to be touched; muscles so defined you don’t have to flex. The way your voice carries to my heart when you speak, it just literally makes my heart skip a beat. With one single touch of your hand to my face, my heart begins to race, chills run up my back and form a blush on my face. The way your jaw line is so defined, just whispers “kiss me kiss me, one more time.” I love the safety I feel when you wrap your arms around me, or the contentment I feel when our fingers intertwine. I could go on forever and ever about the things about you that make me weak, especially the sweet things you say, and my inability to speak. The way your breath brushes against my lips, “I love you” it carries, and my heart rips. I’m so vulnerable right now, it’s not even right, I can’t sleep with out you when you’re not beside me at night.

Please don’t ever leave me, I wouldn’t know what to do, I’m not Beyonce, you are irreplaceable, You’re the second person to touch my heart the way you have, and if you leave, I’ll never gain my composure back. I love you, I love you so much, all I ask is Please just love me back.

Yours enternally,
Kayla

Maybe I'm just

a little paranoid.
But this is getting really old,
You love me, love me so much...
So I'm told.

But where are you when I need you?
When I want to hold you,
Who else am I holding too?

Im tired of feeling
Less important,
Like I'm not worth it.

I wish me being on your arm,
was more important than
making some other girl wanna be on your arm.

It's tiring sitting and wondering,
wondering where I stand on things.
I want to know I'm important.
Show everyone how important I am to you.
Because I'd show the world
my undeniable love for you.
I want the same in return.
Is that too much to ask for.

I'm tired of all the questioning,
"are you with him?"
I'm tired of the accusations
"he likes me"
I'm tired of hearing you say
"It's just so funny how many girls want me"

Thanks for making me feel like I have to
keep trying,
because I can easily be replaced.

I'm just so tired.
so tired of feeling this way.

I feel like

This is the time in my life,
where things get rough.
Where I'm struggling to get through,
and I don't know what to do.
It seems all these decisions
are being thrown at me,
and I have to choose which one I feel is right.
Things seem more stressful,
I feel more down.
I don't feel like sharing this,
but I have no other choice now.
All these feelings and thoughts
bottling up inside.
I'm so tired, so stressed.
I'm lost I dont know what to do,
or if the path I want,
is the one I'll choose.
I'm at this time in my life,
where everything I think is right,
will eventually feel wrong.
and I'll be stuck once again,
singing the same old tune,
same sad song.

There's a few things that I just cant get off my mind.
It seems I'm losing all the people that used to be my life
and I'm starting over new. I'm not sure this is what I'm ready
to do, but it seems the only choice. It feels too late to fix
things.
I came to the conclusion, the person I used to love most, has
finally moved on and forgotten about me. The guy I called my
brother, the one I counted on until the end. The one I saw myself
being with, in one way or another for the rest of my life,
I've finally lost him, and I just chose to acknowledge it.
and it hurts the most.
I'm taking these OGT's, they seem to get only harder. As I take
them, my past years flow by my mind, and I want to cry. I
should've tried harder, if I'd have known the paths I would've
chosen, I would've done better, I would've tried harder.
All these things, just seem so pointless,
and I feel I've done wrong to so many people, and that
I cant make them better.
I just wish things would've be made so hard,
and this time wouldnt be so trying.

As of right now

Art drawing.
OGT.
Writing.
Showers.
Wet hair.
Wings.
Pretzels.
Twizzlers.
Kevin.
Ty.
Hitchhiking and flying.
Jessica.
Purple nails.
Owl City.
Sweet sayings.
Tears.
Graduating early.
Piercings.
Maddie.
Nicole.
Honesty.
Clean quilt.
Fabric Softner.
Weed.
Alcohol.
Cocain.
Alex Weber.
My cousin.
Mark Doiron.
Scared.
Upset.
Reminiscing.
Shame.
Alone.
Misunderstood.
Bad spelling.
Babies.
frogs.
Flowers
Stressed.
Nervous.
Bored.
Puke.
Bars.
Drunk people dancing.
Mommy.
66.21
191
Love.
Fear.
Hatred.
Guts.
BAMF.
Nicole.
Lexi.
Betrayed.
Disappointed.
Let down.
Nina.
Titanic.
Beauty and the beast
Wall-E.
Making Love.
Palm Centro.
Marriage.
Forever.
Disbelieving.
Hope.
Faith.
Frank.
Ouch.
*Growl*
Kaitlynn.
Four Letter Lie.
Coffee.
Lies.
Haylee.
Camp.
God.
Angels.
Lion King.
Paramore.
Screaming!.
Piano.
Guitar.
Driving.
Tony McVaney.
Battle of the Bands.
Warped Tour.
Selina Ismail.
Jesse Tudini.
Jeani.
Memories.
Floods.
Heartbreak.

I'm

Terribly upset right now.
I dont know why I overreacted in such a way.
I trust you I do
but I'm so scared of losing you.
I'm so vulnerable
I was just deciding I was going to let you in,
and then something happens,
to make me go back and start all over again.
I'm just so insecure about myself,
that perhaps I'm simply not good enough.
All these girls want you,
and you could have any of them,
but for some reason you chose me.
All you'd have to do is decide they're better,
decide I'm not good enough,
and you could move on so quickly...
You could easily leave me if you wanted...
You don't NEED me.
I just know...
that somehow I'm just wont be good enough.
and I'm so scared.
I'm jealous of any girl that wraps her arms around you,
because in during that moment,
they're holding my world in their hands.

Why

Do I always think less of myself.
As if I'm not good enough.
I'll never be good enough.


You can tell me a million times
I'm perfect, I'm lovely.
I've heard the rhymes.


I'm so vulnerable.
It's unbelieveable.
and when I think I'm ready,
My feet get unsteady.


You're so perfect,
and I love you so much.
I'm always so scared
Scared to lose your touch.


I always feel I'm lacking
Like you deserve better,
because Im slacking

Because I'm insecure
about who I am,
thinking I'll never be up to par,
whenever things get hard
I try to stick it through,
But I some how manage to think
I'm just not good enough,
not good enough for you.

I'm not perfect

Baby,
I know I don't make things clear,
about how much I love you and need you near,
Probably because I dont know where to begin,
and when I start, I'll never want this paragraph to end.

I truely dont know where to start,
I'm not one to say what i feel in my heart
I suppose that's because of my fear of vulnerability...

But I love you, that's a good start...
But this is so much more than that,
More than just my heart.
My body, mind and soul,
They all know the true facts.

But it's all so hard to say...
I don't want this to come out in the wrong way.
So I choose my words carefully,
these words I hope, will make you see.

I'm in love with you
and I love you more every day.
I'll be here for you,
in any way.

Yes, I'm your girlfriend,
and I hope your wife by the end.
But dont worry,
I can be your best friend.
If you dont see why
Now I quote Ty,
"she's like one of the guys"

I listen, and I listen good,
No matter what you say,
I'll think no less of you,
I'll stand where I've always stood.

I'll be here, I'll stay here,
As long as you want me
you don't need to fear
You've got me inevitably.

Sure I'm young,
But I'm not naive
I know what I want,
and I know what I need.

My mind isn't cursory
I can grasp reality,
I know love is no short story
Life is full of possibilities.

My soul is not weak,
There are no bounds
in which it can't reach
Even with no grounds,
to stable myself around.

You see these words I've wrote to you,
They are prominent and true
Note them,
and etch them into your heart,
And here's finally the end,
Becaue I found where to start

Admit it.

Sometimes I wonder,
What'm I doing here?
How bad can things get,
until I shed at least one tear.


I dont know why,
Why I need you here.

I dont like it
I dont like it when you're so near.


I wont admit it,
I dont like vulnerability.

But some how I believe it,
when you say you need me.


I'll never tell you what I feel,
I'll leave you questioning,
wondering if it's real.


I never open my mouth to you,
and speak the words,
that my heart holds true,
But I believe you,
[Should I believe you,]
When you say you love me too.


I'm not sure what will become of me,
I guess only time will show.

These scars they know...
These things just dont last for me.


Just know I care
though I'm not willing to share
Even if it's the death of me,
admitting that I'm scared.

Poem

I just want you to know
It hurts to see you go.
It's like being in the first row,
waiting to get your heart broke.

It's hard to know you'll leave,
When it's you leaving me.
When you drive accross the state,
to go to your university.

It'll be the same either way,
You're leaving me one day,
be it tommorrow, or be it today.
It'll still feel the same.

Deserted and lost,
Love always comes with a cost.
I'm not surprised you'll leave,
these things always happen to me.

Humble sighs. [song for kevin]

All My life,
My heart has roamed,
searching for that place...
A place to call home.

But in your heart,
is where home resides.
I realize now,
with your humble sighs.

All this time
I've wondered why
I never felt right
But laying here tonight
your breath in my ear
Your heart sings to me
"Home is near"

In your heart
is where home resides
I realize now
with you humble sighs.

Why'd you come around
so late, so late,
But now you're my home ground,
my hearts escape.

because It's your heart
where mine resides
I realize this now...
Never leave my side

I love my boyfriend.

"My heart is your home town"
-Kevin Lampley.

"rain pours over the smoothest skin
this is the sweetest tasting sin
I have ever known
this is this is where I belong
say you'll stay
and never leave me here by myself
I could never make it here all alone

on the chicago shoreline
all I know is I am yours and you are mine
just close your eyes and let our lips touch
I never knew I could love you this much

home is 400 miles away
but baby please just stay [say you'll stay]
here with me and I promise
you'll miss it less and less with every kiss
as we stare at the stars above
I know we'll rise in love

on the Chicago shoreline
all I know is I am yours and you are mine
just close your eyes and let our lips touch
I never knew i could love you this much this much

but baby when they all stop and stare i won't care
I don't give a damn what these heartless people think
because I'll be here when the city starts to sink
beneath lake michigan I swear I'll stand right where I am
[right where I am]

right here on the Chicago shoreline
all I know is that I am yours and you are mine
just close your eyes as our lips touch
I love you I love you so much"

If I had the guts...

Dear father,
I hope you get this, I know you dont check your email very often, but this I hope you recieve and read. I'm not sure how this email will unfold, it has a purpose... and that purpose is to be honest. You see dad, I know you're my dad, and you always will be, and I know you do things for the greater good, and I guess in that way I'm exactly like you. I dont think I've been this honest with you since 6th grade when I asked you to quit the military, because I longed for our closeness, for us to be a closer daughter and father, because secretly, every daughter longs for a bond with her father. And this is another one of those honest times dad.
I've been longing for us to have a relationship where I tell you things, without fearing what you'll think of me. I've always wanted to live up to the daughter you want me to be, but I realized I dont have to be that daughter, I can be the daughter I am, and hopefully you'll except me. Maybe you could see that I do what I do, because it's for my greater good, and because deep inside, I'm a great person, you just have to get passed all the things I do, and trust me in the things that I do, that there's a good reason behind them.
Dad, I'm a very mature teenager. Courses of events have happend to ensure that I am mature. I understand many things, Mom and don, come to ME for advice, because I'm very mature, and smart. I can comprehend the deepest aspects of things. I'm a better person than you may realize dad. I understand that you dont live with me, so you dont see me everyday, and you dont realize these things about me, because along with these things about me, comes certain things you dont like about me. As I grow older, the more I feel like having these conversations with you, the more I want you to know, because I want you to see my deeper image.
I'll always be your little girl, and you'll always be my daddy. And because of that, I try so hard to be the little girl you want me to be, but also dad I'm a strong woman. I have beliefs and boundaries. I can handle most things people my age can't. I'm not always proud of being so mature, because sometimes I wish I could be a little girl again, without a care or worrie in the world. But overall, I love who I am, and I want you to, too. So there's things I'd like to tell you.
I've got a tattoo, that I got Oct. 31st 2008. Mom supported it, because she knows it's something important to me, it's something that symbolizes manythings in my life. Many moments and hardships. Not to mention, my favorite movie. It's Simba and timone from The Lion King, and it says Hakuna Matata "No worries". Haha. It's very important to me, I even drew it. It's not going to cause conflict with what I want to do in my life, I made sure I wouldnt get it in a spot that would cause trouble in my later years trying to get a job, it's on my shoulder blade, It's very pretty. I love it. There's also one more reason as to why I'm telling you about this tattoo, besides the fact that I'm being honest. You see, I dont plan on having many more tattoos, just one to symbolize you, and mommy. But the thing is, I dont want just any tattoo to represent you. One day when you pass away, I want to get your bird somewhere. Ever since I was little I've been fascinated by that tattoo, it's so beautiful, and peaceful. I still love it now, it's my favorite tattoo of yours. So if it's possible, I'd like a picture, or a drawing of it. One day soon.
Also, another thing is I plan on graduating early. So I can get a jump start on my life. High school isn't really my thing.... I've tried hard, and I've worked hard, but honestly I just wanna get out of there, and start on the path to my life, let my life unfold. Also, it's a good choice for me, because the careers I'm considering are going to mean quite a few years in college. For example, my first choice is a Pediatrician, then a Physical Therapist, and a phsycologist. The minors I've considered are art, and journalism/writer. Because like you know, I love to write, and I love all kinds of art. I know this is a lot of planning dad. But when it comes to my life, I'm not going to screw around, I'll make mistakes, because people always do, but I wanna make sure I get what I'm capable of, and what I know I deserve, becaue I want to look back on my life one day, and say that I was really happy in the life I created for myself. So, when I follow through with graduating early, I should be going to summer school this year for english [summer '09]. But I'll work in seeing you, because no matter what you're my father, and I love seeing you.
Also, another thing you should know, probably the biggest issue you'll have, is I'm dating this guy named Kevin, and he is older than me, he's 19. I didn't know when I met him that he was 19, and after talking to him, and him telling me, I was kind of shocked, but I already liked him, and all things considered, it didn't really matter to me anymore, because I realize, age doesnt matter. If he means so much to me, then I'm going to love him for who he is to me. Since, [like i stated early] I'm so mature, his age doesnt conflict with me at all, it's not too much. Because honestly, guys my age, are imature, and silly, and I want someone who understands me. Understands that I want to have a serious conversation, that I want to have a serious relationship. Someone who understands that, yeah, not all relationships last forever, but if they do you get lucky and you're dating that person, so that maybe oneday you will be with them forever, and maybe you'll get married, but then again, you might not. All you can do is hope, and it'll turn out how it was intended. I love Kevin, yes I'm 16 dad,and that's a big statement, but I'm perfectly capable of it. Yes, I may love him more later in life, [if that's whats intended] when I'm older and capable of more love than I am now, and I learn more of love then, but of what I'm capable as of right now, I love him, and that's how it is.
Those are the 3 main things I wanted to tell you, and I'm sure that from these three things you learned a lot about me. Which is what this email was supposed to do, because dad, I just wanna have an honest, loving, judgemental free, relationship with you. I want you to accept me for who I am, and who I will be.
I love you father.
I love you so much.
-Kayla.

Poem

Just hold me in your arms
Long enough
For me to believe your bluff

I know what's going to happen
You know it's true.
I know it's going to happen,
Even if I believe in you.

If you fall in love again.
I'll still be your friend
Even if it kills me,
I'm here until the end.

You hurt me too

I understand it hurts you,
It hurts me too
More than I let on
because since he's been here.
You've been gone.

If I'm the only thing keeping you here
Dont shed another tear
Dont worry you can leave
even if it kills me

If I dont make you happy
If I'm not good enough anymore
then get off your bed,
and get yourself out the door
I wont make you stay anymore

If he's all you want
and he's all you need
Dont worry about me
I've always been fine
when I'm lonely.
It's okay
You'll always be my mommy

Y'know

When you walk in the door,
if it were possible
my jaw would drop to the floor.

Haha.
little poem I wrote.
Things have been going good lately.
My boyfriend's completely perfect.
My friend Jessica finally got a boyfriend herself,
Ha. I kissed her, it was just one of those moments.
I think I'm going to figure things out between
a person and myself because we've went through hard times.
I think I'm willing to forget,
but am I willing to forgive.
I suppose we'll find out.
Even if she rips my heart out.

I hate when you're so sad.
I just wanna hold you,
Help you get your life back.

I want you to be content,
because if needed,
it's my love you can rent.
but please take my love,
and use it to it's extent,
becuase you happy...
is my love well spent.

I can show you the world... shinning shimmering splendid.

Your quiet eyes
Your over stressed sighs.
I understand,
I'm tired of your lies.

You're upset I can tell
There went my last wish
[for you and me]
down the wishing well

You're so far away
I love you more everyday
but if you dont love me back,
I just have one more thing to say:
I'm not wasting my life away.

I'm not the one that you want