The Best and The Worst

Wow, It's just been too long since I've wrote, I feel I have so much to say, I can't event think it all out into organized thoughts. But here I go, another rampaged blog.

I've had some good times,
and some just really shitty,
bottom of a black hole, times.
But I find myself only reflecting
on the best times and worst times.

I'm thinking there's always one really good
amazing month a year. And one really shitty one.
Best of 2010:May 26-July 1st, a little longer than a month
this time was between the time of my last day of school and the
first week alone with Ben after my mom left.
The Easy times. A little toe in the water, not quite in deep enough
to realize how deep I'd be drowning later.
The shitty month:July 14-August 14
This time, Kevin, Ben going to cleveland, lost, alone, struggling,
scared, not prepared at all, beggining to fall to pieces, giving up.
I almost moved down south.
From here, things didnt really get much better.

And So far 2011:
Best:April
Worst:Janurary- Feburary
Feburary consisted of getting my heart torn out of my chest,
by someone I'd never had expected,
lets talk about that for a minute.
Abandonment feelings.

I love Ben differently than any guy ever. I genuinely care for him
unconditionally. When it comes to him, I let him the furthest in,
Some of the happiest times I've ever had, that i'll remember for
the rest of my life, he was there for. And I really saw him as a
insanely permanent figure in my life, and I let him in, I soaked him
in, I licked it all up, and bathed in it, his love, and my love for him.
i thought it was never ending, and in the end, it was all trickery.
I tried my hardest to keep it all together, and again, it just wasnt enough.
I'm always too willing to be the one sacrificing, but no one wants to sacrifice
for me, and out of everyone, I thought Ben was the person who's amount of love, could level up with mine, and he could just keep me tucked away in it forever.
Safe, and comfortable, happy and beautiful. But some how i still feel like it's my fault, I broke his heart first, and in return he broke mine worse, That's how it goes isn't it? I always try to save things when it's too late for saving. But If I
could, I'd relive it all over again, I'd kiss him, smoke that first cigarette, eat strawberry cheesecake, dance on his feet, longboard, lay in bed all day, make dinners in bed, shower, walk it all over again, just to experience the love I felt for him all over again.
and he took it all and i just cant seem to find it again, and i'm
just lost without it, and nothing feels the same, I dont really see
all the values and belief in life as much as I used to. I've seem
to have lost faith in a few things. Love being one of them, with a guy
at least, maybe it's for the best, keep myself as protected as i can for
a while. All i know, is those happy, easily loving, and accepting feelings,
forgiving, "everythings going to be alright"-ness, is gone. But I'm finding it
now, and I'm hoping it doesnt fall to shit, cause I have a lot to lose right now,
and I know soon its just gonna get swept out from under me. And I'm not ready yet.

Currently: In my present state, I'm feeling okay.

I've got my best friend, and boy do i really have my best friend.
Since Feburary I've found a lot in her. Beauty, Strength, Fearlessness,
Willingness, Dareful, most of all Love. I really have realized many people
have seriously abandoned me, and I have the tendency to abandon my ownself even,
but I'm starting to realize, it's almost been 4 years Boo, FOUR. Not once have you
left or abandoned me, These past 4 years have been the hardest for me, but you've been there for all of it, sometimes that's easy to pass over, all those hard times
but there were way too many. There were many opportunities for a fall out, but we haven't you're one of the very few strong relationships i can say I've ever had, and every single moment we have only shows that more and more each day.
My love for you is rare. It's the only kind of love I'll have for only you.
I lay in bed and text you, I cry out of happiness sometimes, just sitting in the car, driving down huckleberry with you by my side, when you're eyes light up, and you're in one of your happiest moments, and i'm there with you to see it, my eyes water with a warm heart, because i know you're truly happy, and lately we're going through a lot. One of the hardest times of our lives, and we're going through it together, that's already a sign of our unconditional relationship. We're more than best friends, more than sisters. Why? Because you're not my family, you're a person i came across in my life, who i love very unconditionally because i CHOOSE to love you unconditionally, I dont have to, like you do yourfamily, and you're more than just a best friend, I love you because I want to, and I do, because that's just how it is, and how it will just be. I love you, from our showers, our rainforests, our texting while about to sleep, to our eating at panera times.

Things have also been easier because i think god sent you out to challenge me.
You're one of those people he put in my life to show me something about myself,
the type of person he knew would just have to go on my list. He knew I'd find someone in you that striked my interest. And you definitely have. I dont know
what it is exactly that i'm finding in you. But I'm starting to realize the impact
you've started having. You said one day to someone "Kayla could never love me"
And you know what, It's not that I cant, because if anyone could love you for you, and all that you are and have been, believe me, it most certainly could be me, and I'd love you better than anyone else, and I know this,But that's because my heart is my biggest and greatest downfall, its my weakness and strength. I could love you, and I do, as in I care a lot about you, I wanna be involved in your life, I wanna say i'm there for you, and i got your back, and i know you have mine. But I also know that i do wish i could be that girl for you, because when you do find that girl for yourself, she must be worth it. But i know That we're not going to have a realtionship, because though i could, and i would want to, it's just not in our cards, and for once, that's quite alright. I can accept that. Why? because i think that's why you're here. To bring out that reckless, outgoing person I've been kind of shoving away in a black hole for awhile.
It's because you're slightly inspiring, though i know the good and bad, i see the good in people, and i see the inspiring qualities you have. You've been through alot, and you've managed to really live, even if it's not the greatest way most would do it, that's what slightly makes it awesome. You did it because it was for you, and because it was your passion, and you weren't scared, and after all the trouble, you don't regret it. I like that.
I just like you. And as silly as it is, I have the cutest stupidest little girl crush on you. Maybe it's because you're the first unorganized plan, out of order person i've let in my life, the first i've ever had non commited sex to, and i dont have a plan with you, we dont know where we're going, and I dont do that, I have plans, i have committed relationships, but not you, and for once, I'm not too frightened, I'm just slowly falling in. Taking it day by day. Whatever. You're new and you're fresh, but at the same time, you're an important role.
I dont wanna type a book about you, but I barely talk about it. I just like having you around, you have my back, and you have faith in me when i dont have faith in myself, and you're really encouraging me to do things i normally wouldn't and the results are turning out good. You're causing me to take a dare, and use up my chances, That, is why i love you the way i do. Its just a type of, what's the word? Fondness.