Worst night of my life

last night.

Phenergain suppositories,
Vicodin.
Those four pills vaginally.
I laid there feeling alright,
kinda shakey, nervous.
Libby Shaffner
How she kept me calm.
"I need to pee" so she came with me.
I sat on that toilet,
scared, shaking, starting to bleed.
Diahreah.
Libby: "Im gonna go turn off the movie"
(Madea goes to jail)
I grab her arm, "no dont leave... take this"
the plastic bag from the trash can.
trash can, there it went, puke.
Peanut butter and banana sandwhich
that she made me earlier.
I shoulda ate healthier, but who eats good,
on the day you're "teminating" a baby?
That sandwhich regurgitated, worst smell ever.
shaking and in pain, i finally got off the toilet.
45 minutes later.
I feel the blood seep out,
all over me
"ew ew ew." i run to the bathroom.
Sitting down, peeing,
There it is.
Out of me.. and energy sucking.
Feeling like crying, shaking.
"kayla, dont cry, don't pity yourself. Don't cry"
I just keep repeating. Shaking uncontrollably.
"Libby!!! EW! libby, i have no clean underwear... libbbyy"
She calls the step mom
"Libby! PUKE BUCKET!"
Chair, she sits next to me.
Puking all the food i had left out.
Miserable. choking.
She touches me, rubs my neck, strokes my hair.
dying, I thought i was dying.
Shaking, weak, light headed, couldn't sit up.
So she reads E.E. Cummings to me.
His poetry.
I wanted to die, I wanted to give up.
She just kept reading, her voice.
She stopped after 15 poems.
Im still shaking.
"Vicodin? You need it, kay. You should take it"
So i do.
15 seconds later.
Puke.
Mom walks in, she's home.
Puke puke puke.
"there goes your vicodin"-libbys voice.
Feeling like i'm about to pass out.
can't focus.
More puke.
Bloody puke.
No more food, but still puke.
"My poor mother"
Puke.
weak, i'm done.
"keep nursing that water"-libby's voice.
Eye sight blurry, "i wanna give up"
Mom's clean underwear.
I got off the toilet.
Took a vicodin.
Passing out, but still awake,
detatched reality.
half a foot long from subway,
so i'd have food in my stomach.
Passing out,
feeling better.
Lost 3 hours of my life.
Wanted to die.
Where were you?

Jumbled.

Pregnant.
Confused.
Abortion?
Screaming.
Yelling.
Bawling.
Alone.
Starving.
Gaining.
Stress.
Cigarettes.
Tenderness.
Tiredness.
Libbys love.
Jessica's mouth.
Haylee's feelings.
Ash's beliefs.
Miscarriages.
Afraid.
That pill.
Friday the 5th 9am.
265 dollars.
Beaux.
Infection.
Puke.
Miserable.
Kevin.
Everyone.
Eyes.
Staring.
Music.
Pink Floyd.
Prom.
Graduation.
College.
NeverShoutNever, May 8th.
Dad.
Replacement.
Bleeding.
Tests.
Moms love.

I'm at a stressful time in my life.
and few people understand.
But those few that're here,
make life worth living,
and living is a hard thing to do,
and to want to do as of right now.
"the hardest part of living
is just taking breaths to stay"
and i'm afraid that's right.
but these people give me hope,
for a brighter and better day.