Ohhh geez

Thats how i feel.
and i wish yo felt the same way.

Dear

Wow, I never thought it would come to this. Me writing you a letter. I know you’ve moved on from your past, but I here, have not. I dream about you, I think about you, I miss you. I just looked through pictures of us that are on my old computer. You were such a huge part of my life. ----, -----, ------ and I are trying to hang out. I don’t think I’m trying that hard, because I don’t think it will feel right without you. Not to mention Nina wants to go skating.
Upon looking at my pictures, I noticed, I smiled like I never had, and haven’t in awhile. You always made me the happiest, more happy than anyone ever had. I want this to come off so amazingly, and I want to reach in my soul and unravel it to you, though I know you don’t care to know or listen, or even try to believe me when I say I’m being honest. I’m not trying to be “selfish” or anything I’m not. I’m trying to be honest, ----; I mean all these things when I say them. I was in LOVE with you, sometimes I think I still am, but who ever knows, that’s not what I’m trying to get at here. You, ---- are untouchable. No one freakin’ compares to you. No one touches my heart like you did. I miss you, and please don’t doubt me, because I do. I think about how you brought me up, you MADE me. You gave me life in a place I never thought I had one, and for me to betray that, I’m sorry. I really am. What I did was wrong, so wrong. I know you don’t want to forgive me, because I know I don’t deserve it, I wouldn’t give me a third chance either, honest. I don’t know if that’s what I’m asking for, or well, I don’t really know the purpose of this. I guess its to reach down and admit how sorry I really am, and to tell you that you don’t deserve what I did to you. You deserve better than that, all your life you’ve been mistreated, and the last thing I wanted to do was just be another person who did you wrong, and caused you heartache. I know I caused you heartache, and that’s not me being cocky or anything of that nature, I just know it had to of hurt, and I never meant that to happen. As for saying I didn’t like you, I want to clear that up, and I can only hope you read this far, and will read more.
I never once said I don’t like you. I can’t even hear myself saying that, I can see how ----- and ---- could get that, but that’s not what I said. ----- wanted us to all hang out, and I stated how “---- and I aren’t on good terms” and he asked why, and I just gave him my point of view “well _ broke my heart” and you did, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t hurt you, because I’m aware I did, but we were both equally hurt. And he asked what happened and I said “I don’t know how to explain it. We’re just not on good terms. I don’t think I can handle hanging out with _” but that was meant in the way that it hurts. As for ----, it’s the same thing, except in ---- terms because he’d always ask about being “_” and about you and everything and I said “yeah we’re not really friends anymore.” because we weren’t and he also asked why and I said “because of ---- ----- back there.” because ---- ----- had rode my bus then. Then the convo switched to ----.
The reason I say I can’t hear myself saying that, is because, god ----, I loved you. Adored you, and was completely enamored by you, and your very existence. Sure even if I didn’t’ like you or would’ve thought that, I’d always love you. There’s a difference, it’s like you don’t have to like your moms attitude at the moment, but you’ll always love her, if that makes more sense.

----, ----, ----. I don’t know how to explain it. I can still close my eyes and see your smile, and hear your laugh. I walk down the halls of Jackson, and they’ll remind me of you. You were the best thing to me, and I suppose you always will be. I don’t know how to live with out you, so I keep memories of you fresh and bottled up in my mind, just so I feel I’ll always have you. I guess all I expect is that you read this and take it to heart that:
You’re everything to me, and I haven’t said that to “everyone else” I’ve said it to ----- maybe. I have best friends sure, but no matter what, no one will ever understand like you do.
I miss you, the days in the park, homecomings, dying your hair, taking pictures in the shower, building a snow bank so you don’t fly in my lake, finger-painting on each other, playing in the spring, being the “good students”, doing upside down kisses, skating and singing to each other, walking around the football game holding hands, and confusing aaron, walking home getting lost, telling you my deepest secret (still no one else knows), going to the balloon festival, holding you when you cried, relating to our anger problems, relating to our parents, watching “the forgotten” cuddling, walking to Bellstores in the snow at Jen’s, falling asleep on top of you at Jens, being there for you when you got that letter from Bill, crying to you in walmart, going ice skating, being there. Just being there with you, was amazing. You’ve touched my heart ----, and you still do somehow. I think about these things, and I smile, or perhaps I might cry. Sometimes I dream you into my life, and hope it might come true. Even up to our last days together, in your room, star bucks, the show, I was in hopes that you would be as huge of a role in my life as you were. I still wish I could be there, could still hear about Kenny, Bill and hold you through whatever it is you might be going through. But these are wishes, and we’re in reality. I just, hope you had a good birthday, sorry I’m late, I just didn’t want to ruin your actual birthday.

HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY.
I hope it was the best,
The huge One Eight.
You deserve the world,
And I hope someone gives it to you.

If its not too much, tell your mom, I miss her.

Sincerely,
Love,
Kayla McTeague

“You can never say never, while we don’t know that, time, time, time an again, younger now than we were before, don’t let me go, don’t let me go, don’t let me goooo.”

P.s. You’re 18th birthday is 1-10-10 haha. (sorry)

I dont understand

sometimes.
I just dont get it.
Exclusivity, you say its when you can trust me,
but i dont understand why it has to be about you,
what about when i can trust you?
Do you know how hurt i get?
Here i am bawling my eyes out, i dont think you'd ever know.
You just dont see it,
and i dont know how to make you.
I just want you to see that you hurt me,
more frequently than you'll ever know,
and i do deal with it,
and i accept you for who you are,thats dealing with it.
You say that if i just accept you, you'll quit all your bad ways
but your bad ways hurt me, and they're the only things that would
make me leave you, so if you just want me to stay in the long run,
then if you get rid of them, i wouldnt have to hurt, and you wouldnt
have to worry about me leaving.
I'm just so jaded, so hurt, so betrayed,
all i did was kiss a guy kinda, and you suffered severe pain for a month,
I've suffered that same pain for months and months, and still do,
because you wont stop,
and i fixed it, so that you wont hurt anymore.
I dont understand why i deserve such the mistrust.
When you're the one saying "i could cheat, and not feel guilty,
because you cheated." your cheat is to fuck someone, its different.
and saying you wouldnt feel guilty and that you'd rub it in my face as
"even".... and you wonder why i question your caring...
I just dont understand how you expect me to understand.
I try so hard,
when do you try for mee?
You havent change, and i've tried to.
You changing things that hurt me, is a sign of caring.
And i just wanna feel like you care about me.
That's all i ask.
Ever.

EVER.

Consider my feelings sometimes.
:(
I just love you so much.

Alone.

Feelin it.

You
I just want your dedication.
I want your whole heart.

You
Never seem to fail.

You
Are always there, and i just push you away

You
I love you, like my own sister.
I just wanna be there, you pefect disaster.

you
I'm so glad you're back in my life
Out of the 5 of us,
"We two are always gonna make it.
We never fought. You just chose her, and its okay"
I love you, Mrs. Understanding.

You
came at the perfect time, but left too soon.

You
Like me, and its a change to not run from it.

You
Disappeared from my life two years ago.
but its nice to have to you back.
Mr. Icomprehend.

You
I miss you. I cry most nights.
Little girl, you'll never know.
You'll never listen again.
But if i could go back,
I'd choose you all over again.

You
Oh you try. But You've always raised me right.

The past year.

Oh the things.

Kissing you when the ball dropped
Having a skittles contest
"You guys are best friends aren't you?" Ihop
Driving to your house, catching up.
Going to starbucks, catching up.
Getting close to you, talking on the phone.
You becoming my best guy friend.
Monsters vs. Aliens.
Girls night only.
Walking to a show, that guy creepin "hey girls!"
You cutting your toe open
Kevin slamming into the bleachers.
you helping me, when i didnt want help.
Partying a lot.
Partying with you, kissed you.
Taco bell, double beef burrito.
Ihope at 3/4 am.
Driving with Ty, Andy, Kevin.
"Handfull's enough honey"
Him almost kissing you in science.
"BEADS!!!?"
OGT week.
Muscle relaxers.
CiCi's pizza.
Marcedes.
Calling Lexi everyday.
Becoming friends with Nina again.
4.20.
first time.
You getting arrested.
Rylies Dads.
Spending the night at your parents.
Walking to your bathroom, not dripping.
Fighting a lot more.
Hard times with mom.
Ashley's.
Hookah.
Summertime.
Smoking.
Kings.
Kevins dick in your face.
Robeks with Ash.
Left 4 dead.
Summer english.
Graduating early.
Driving around late at night.
Making my bath 'cause i'm sick.
Crying in your arms the 2nd to last night.
Crying the last night.
Packing for my dads.
Taking Seargant Snuggles.
Going to my dads.
Dad and Roxanne fighting.
Dad and i got closer.
Sushi on the beach.
Sushi in the spring.
Getting sunburnt.
Getting close to Logan Paone
Escaping to Jeannie and Pay's.
Shopping with Pay.
Pay's tonsels out.
Wet n' Wild.
Serious talks in the truck.
Miniature golfing.
Riding your motorcycle.
Going 100mph.
Letting me drive the truck.
Chipotle with Jeannie and Pay.
Talking to you every night.
Our fight about Krystal.
Coming home.
Walking through the airport with Seargant Snuggles.
Seeing you for the first time in 3 weeks, hugging you.
Going home.
You staying at my house every night for a month.
The naked picture.
Snide comment "i'll call brooke then"
Me giving you the death stare.
Making me do my english.
Fighting about Lexi and Krystal.
Ending fight with Lexi.
Her and Doyle breaking up.
Starting school.
Senior year.
Not being able to trust you.
Science class.
Saige Boilanger.
Penny lab.
"we can be penny engineers"
"Boats n' Hoes"
Mr. Tully yelling at us talking.
Cutting my hair.
THE show.
You ignoring me.
flirting with every girl on earth.
Hanging with Haylee and logan.
Crying my eyes out to you.
Jess spending the night.
Going out at 3am to TP houses with SK&A
Fun.
Watching Scream.
Coming home at 7am.
You kissed me.
Telling you, worst mistake.
A week until you left town.
Worst annv. ever. Fighting.
You were the best to me.
Hanging with Libby for the first time.
Libby saying she's in love with me. :D
The School Bonfire and Ihop.
Driving libby's car.
Your last day, standing there.
Lost a great friend, through everything.
Getting Kicked out.
Going to ash's.
Talking to you.
Talking to you.
Talking to you.
Failing.
You're zannex.
Texting you.
Texting you.
Wanting out.
Hopeless, lost.
"FUCK YOU." <--- this night stays forever.
you left me that night.
Doing Zannex.
Hanging with Libby everyday.
Shawn Barth. :/
him trying to rape me.
Freaking out.
"dont tell kevin. dont tell kevin"
Going with Libby and ben to mall.
Coming home to my "surprise!!!" party.
Thanks haylee and jess.
Smoking.
Seeing Rylie.
Birthday gifts.
padiddle with anthony.
Southpark mall with you.
Goodbyes.
Driving home.
Applebees late at night with mom and hay.
Driving to your house bawling.
you being there for me.
Kevin calling on aderall, excited to fix it.
Next day: breakdown.
McDonals with libby.
Bringing you Seargant Snuggles.
Crying upon leavin the hosp.
You telling me "i'll stop flirting. all i want is you"
Betraying me.
"I wanted to be your first"
"i want you."
Heartbroken.
I almost left you that night
Starbucks parking lot
apologizing.
Writing your book.
Park with logan.
Muggzwigs.
Demitris deli.
Lost in canal fulton.
Visiting you at Jays.
NevershoutNever, luck.
Chicago.
You breaking my heart.
Libby making me cookies
Broken phone.
Thanksgiving.
Libby.
Brandon Caldwell in science.
Mccary adding me on myspace.
Senior pictures.
Partying at kevins with Jeani, Nina, and Sam.
Crying to "comfortably numb" missing lexi.
Libby missing.
Failing Drawing.
The show at the java house.
My two best friends fighting.
slamming the door in haylees face.
Einstein bagels.
Nick and Norahs infinite playlist.
Jean fund.
bras.
boots.
Troy.
Puppy.
Christmas day.
Don, Sherri and justin.
Comforter.
Fighting with mom.
Kevin coming over.
Keiths party, wasted.
Nina.<3
New years party with Haylee, jess and Ry.
Smirnoff and cookies.
"Want some nip dawg?"
<3