It's not quite new years yet, but idk when I'll be on.
-waking up, smirnoffs everywhere. 4 lovely girls in my room.
-"You got a rope and some scissors?!" "Yeah me & my mom are part of the KKK. He's just a plan. I don't love that nigga." Phahahah.
-going down to colombus with Haylee, meeting her dad, and step mom.
-Realizing I was pregnant.
-"FINGERNAILS!!!" *decrepid voice and hand motions*
-Looking up how to cure painful nipples. LMAO
-Libby returning to school from the psych ward.
-Losing Kevin, and myself.
-Becoming best friends with my 'angel' Ben Copeland.
-Bring Ben his stuff, picking up libby's stuff
-Hiding Ben from Libby in the car when i had to drop off... something.
-Feb.9th, first time sex with Ben. <3
-Feb 12th, abortion, thank god for libby.
-fighting with kevin in the car about Andrea, while ben's in teh car too.
-yelling "No, GROW UP KEVIN" "No kayla, you're the one that needs to grown up"
"okay, i'll start with you. WE'RE OVER"
-Officially breaking up with kevin.
-Spending the night with ben for a whole weekend while libby and joey watched over beaux and lassie.
-Her finding out about Ben.
-Fighting with Jessica "SLUT"
-''I hate you. end of story. You can go turn off the light now.'' Lol
-Dying my hair blonde
-Changing Libby's Hair
-Failing Art
-Car Accident
-'i feel like i have george washington hair right now' LMFAO
- Ogre heritage. Lol. "I've been noticing my skin looks pretty olive lately." haha. <---even though IDK WTF THIS MEANS
-Kevin's in here, he's spying on us. Did you just get his tweet?!
-breaking kevin's bowl
-Ben's bronchitis
-Ben puking and asking me out. LMAO.
-Ariell Haut
-Ben crying to me about James
-Getting Beans
-"I'm too lazy, idgaf about that ash tray" *proceeds to ash on floor*
-Seeing my sister. Fighting with Don "Hello stranger number 2"
-Doing Beaux as my art project
-Becoming friends with libby again
-Studdying real hard to pass school
-Doing Ben as my Art final.
-Ben pissin everywhere on Me and Kody LMAO
-Ben going to jail.
-YOU TWO CANNOT SLEEP IN THE SAME ROOM! *Grandpa Don banging on door*
-Making love crying my eyes out,before we thought he was giong to jail for 6 months.
-Getting told i couldnt walk at graduation.
-My mom doing something about it.
-Getting my nipples pierced, almost fainting
-Got Hair cut
-Dad and grandparents coming up
-Graduation.
-"i'm not gonna lie, i wouldnt have minded you having that baby so much, if it were maybe, like, ben's kid instead of kevin's. ya know, not half black"-My dad.
-Ben losing his house wiht his parents, moved in.
-Mom moved away to Alabama, June 26th
-Ben's birthday, x.
-Seeing jessica a lot more since it was summer. <3
-Haylee telling me "we dont have time to be friends anymore"
-Ben gets job in cleveland.
-Jessica gets job at Winking lizard!
-"i like your beard" LMAO "Man. I love @kayla_estell's beard SO MUCH"
-and suddenly i cant remember much from august or september...
-Blow job in car with ben, and 3 other people...
-Meeting Micah, awesome time in cleveland.
-Awesome steaks down in carolton
-My dad's got cancer again
-Ben's fake piss pass
-Parties at Ashleys
-My birthday, Hookah, Bestie bracelets, muggswigs, bowl, smoking. FUN.
-My first birthday sex
-gettin my tongue pierced
-My walgreens and taco bell interview.
-Ben Moving away.
-"i can feel the vibrations on my crotch. Lol. RT @Kayla_Estell: I feel like im creamin my pants this stereo bumps so hard."
-Jessica's birthday :)
-"To everyone going to NSN tonight: Fuck you. Seriously, you're an asshole. Drop dead."
- REALLY high shower with Jessica.
-rainforests in bathrooms. (New Tradition
-Brandyn Christoffel-DONE. Jerk.
-Thanksgiving, High as balls.
-"my ice isn't wet...my ice is all dry."
-Ben picking up his shit, quickie sex.
-"he was gross, just gross, he looks slytherin like"
-Giving Jessica "How High Am I" Book, and Mancala
-Pineapple Express
-Getting fired from my first JOB. BITCH.
-Going down to see my mom, and that's where I'm at noww.
-Me:"He keeps talkin to itchy"
Jessica: "Itchy? Lol what?"
Me: "His imaginary friend...
Me: LMAO. I'm just kidding. That's my Mom's dogs name."
Jessica: "LMFAO OMG."
Sunday, December 26, 2010
I wont be able to get on for awhile...so here goes
updates:
Ben Copeland:
Moved to Cleveland. He kind of abandoned me. But i know it's for the best. I miss him alot and rarely see him, but hopefully he'll get his shit figured out, and will come back. It's only made me realize that i love him more though. So i guess that's good. He's an amazing guy, I dont think i've ever met another like him, infact I'm pretty positive. I could see myself spending forever with him,if that's how the future decides to go.
Jessica Smith:
She's my life. I know she'll read this. But She's became everything and more to me over these past few months. Ever since she said "i know how you feel, and i
dont wanna let you down. I dont want you to feel defeated, i just cant let that happen, not as your best friend" and over the past few months, i've realized more than ever that she's a lifer. Meaning, she's not going anywhere. We know
each other like the back of our hands. Maybe even better. I dont know where i'd be without her. <3 I'm so glad she's around.
My mom:
I miss her so so much. I'm down here with her actually. We've had a great week. It'll be coming to an end soon. But i'm happy that she's happy down here. I'm happy that maybe without me, she'll live the life she's always wanted. :) I miss her so so much i know my life could be easier with her around, but i'm too much like
her and too stubborn to go that route.
My dad:
Still very sick. When i think about it, it makes me cry. Mom and i both think he wont make it much longer. That makes me sad. Esp when i think of my future. Walking down my wedding isle with no dad, god, im tearing up already. Or having grand children, i know he'd be an awesome grand father. :( anyway. he's doing better than he has the past few months but it seems the sickness never goes away. I hope it does, i really do.
Kevin:
Ass. Hole. Got in a huge argument. Told him everything that was dying to get out over the past two years. How our sex never meant anything, and how i was used, and how he's fake, and he'll never ammount to anything. And etc etc etc. We all know how i feel about kevin... i've made it clear.
My life:
it's really hard.
I feel defeated alot.
I try to push on through it,
encourage myself to stay strong.
But it gets me down just
thinkin about it.
Gettin no where, fast.
Wishing i was getting somewhere,
somehow.
Feelin hopeless,
scared, alone at times.
but with the help of the
few who're there,
i manage,
and for the most part,
try to look on the brightside withthe hope
i have left.
Ben Copeland:
Moved to Cleveland. He kind of abandoned me. But i know it's for the best. I miss him alot and rarely see him, but hopefully he'll get his shit figured out, and will come back. It's only made me realize that i love him more though. So i guess that's good. He's an amazing guy, I dont think i've ever met another like him, infact I'm pretty positive. I could see myself spending forever with him,if that's how the future decides to go.
Jessica Smith:
She's my life. I know she'll read this. But She's became everything and more to me over these past few months. Ever since she said "i know how you feel, and i
dont wanna let you down. I dont want you to feel defeated, i just cant let that happen, not as your best friend" and over the past few months, i've realized more than ever that she's a lifer. Meaning, she's not going anywhere. We know
each other like the back of our hands. Maybe even better. I dont know where i'd be without her. <3 I'm so glad she's around.
My mom:
I miss her so so much. I'm down here with her actually. We've had a great week. It'll be coming to an end soon. But i'm happy that she's happy down here. I'm happy that maybe without me, she'll live the life she's always wanted. :) I miss her so so much i know my life could be easier with her around, but i'm too much like
her and too stubborn to go that route.
My dad:
Still very sick. When i think about it, it makes me cry. Mom and i both think he wont make it much longer. That makes me sad. Esp when i think of my future. Walking down my wedding isle with no dad, god, im tearing up already. Or having grand children, i know he'd be an awesome grand father. :( anyway. he's doing better than he has the past few months but it seems the sickness never goes away. I hope it does, i really do.
Kevin:
Ass. Hole. Got in a huge argument. Told him everything that was dying to get out over the past two years. How our sex never meant anything, and how i was used, and how he's fake, and he'll never ammount to anything. And etc etc etc. We all know how i feel about kevin... i've made it clear.
My life:
it's really hard.
I feel defeated alot.
I try to push on through it,
encourage myself to stay strong.
But it gets me down just
thinkin about it.
Gettin no where, fast.
Wishing i was getting somewhere,
somehow.
Feelin hopeless,
scared, alone at times.
but with the help of the
few who're there,
i manage,
and for the most part,
try to look on the brightside withthe hope
i have left.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
People
Ben Copeland.
Oh boyy, if i knew what to say. I spend most my time with you,
and i prefer it that way.I dont know what took you so long,
but i'm glad you're here. Now i'm attatched to your hip,
and every fiber of your being. I love you, and you love me.
and for once, i know that. You're pretty much
all i've ever wanted, and all i've ever searched for.
I love you for who you are, will be, everything and more.
Your eyes, your smile, your laugh, and appreciation,
Your kindness, selflessness and loving patience.
I love you for it all, and i cant thank you enough,
for being not only my lover, best friend, and boyfriend,
but for being there for me.
Jessica Smith
We've had some cute moments, and i cherish them. You're MY
best friend, and i love you everyday for it. You're so bold,
and outright, and some people find it obnoxious maybe, but it's
cause they dont know you like i do, 'cause i love you for it.
"oh, yepp, that's my best friend jessica, and ya know, i really
love her". You're freakin, so amazing. I like how we tell each other
things, and we just dont care what is said, it's just how it is.
And sometimes tings get hard, but we make it through. Always.
Haylee Matako
Oh Haylee, i love you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You really stick it through.
Things were hard for a bit, but i'm glad we got better. You have,
still are, and always will be everything to me. You deserve better,
and you deserve the world. People do a lotta wrong to you, but i promise,
I'll be here to make it right. Alwaysss.
Libby Shaffner.
You frustrate me lately, and you're attitude's a bitch (no pun intended) to
deal with sometimes, but i do love you, to every extent. You really are my
best friend, i never meant to hurt you, but you've hurt me too. I think more
than you realize, and unintentionally, but i try very hard for you. And i'll
never forget you, and everythingyou've done. I'm not pushing away from you,
you're just really pulling, but i promise, one day we'll be happy again, like
we once were.
Rylie Beth Jobe
I miss you. So so much. I miss you a lot. I dont see you often, but i do
love you with all my heart, and seeing you, makes my heart shine, and my
weeks get brighter. You're truely the most beautiful girl i've ever seen,
and i'm glad you're beautiful both outside and in, and the person you are,
makes me happy. You're so wonderous. :) It's inspiring.
Lexi Bradley
I've almost run into you a few times. Sometimes, i kinda hope i do. Just
because i worry, you know. and despite what you say, I've always loved you.
but its cool, you can hate me all you want.
Nina Grambling
I miss you too. I really do, i cant wait to see you on tuesday, i'm pretty
excited, whenever i see you, i kinda feel new again.
Kody Hill
I love you bro. I'm so glad you're Ben's best friend, you're really chill
and i like being around you.
Jeani Brechbill
You're fuckin sweet, i love being around you too. I dont think you know how
much i really do love you. You're amazing, and I always have the urge to be
on a best friend basis with you.
Pashence Anderson.
Yo cousin', I miss you! like, foreal. I wanna see you all the time. I'm always
thinkin about you, I love you, I feel deprived of you.
Ben's little bro James
I wanna meet you. You're the cutest thing in the world, and your little voice
makes me melt, i wanna get ben back to you, i know you make him happy. You make
me smile too.
Daddy
I miss you. I think about you often. I miss our summertimes, especially our
past one. I cant wait to see you, show you how much i've grown, and give you a good litle hug.
Megan Metzger
Thanks, for filling my best friends void.
Melisa Hurst
I miss you sissy. So much.
Saige Boilanger
I wanna be friends with you. And just that.
Beaux Alexander.
You know, when im gone, i miss you alot.
You're my little man, you're my little kid,
The day i got pregnant, if calcualated correctly,
was the day i got you.
You're like, my little baby, I love watching you grow,
even if its super annoying sometimes, i know you're just
being a puppy, and one day you're gonna be a big dog.
and i know, I'm gonna be there for that.
I love you little guy. I do.
Oh boyy, if i knew what to say. I spend most my time with you,
and i prefer it that way.I dont know what took you so long,
but i'm glad you're here. Now i'm attatched to your hip,
and every fiber of your being. I love you, and you love me.
and for once, i know that. You're pretty much
all i've ever wanted, and all i've ever searched for.
I love you for who you are, will be, everything and more.
Your eyes, your smile, your laugh, and appreciation,
Your kindness, selflessness and loving patience.
I love you for it all, and i cant thank you enough,
for being not only my lover, best friend, and boyfriend,
but for being there for me.
Jessica Smith
We've had some cute moments, and i cherish them. You're MY
best friend, and i love you everyday for it. You're so bold,
and outright, and some people find it obnoxious maybe, but it's
cause they dont know you like i do, 'cause i love you for it.
"oh, yepp, that's my best friend jessica, and ya know, i really
love her". You're freakin, so amazing. I like how we tell each other
things, and we just dont care what is said, it's just how it is.
And sometimes tings get hard, but we make it through. Always.
Haylee Matako
Oh Haylee, i love you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You really stick it through.
Things were hard for a bit, but i'm glad we got better. You have,
still are, and always will be everything to me. You deserve better,
and you deserve the world. People do a lotta wrong to you, but i promise,
I'll be here to make it right. Alwaysss.
Libby Shaffner.
You frustrate me lately, and you're attitude's a bitch (no pun intended) to
deal with sometimes, but i do love you, to every extent. You really are my
best friend, i never meant to hurt you, but you've hurt me too. I think more
than you realize, and unintentionally, but i try very hard for you. And i'll
never forget you, and everythingyou've done. I'm not pushing away from you,
you're just really pulling, but i promise, one day we'll be happy again, like
we once were.
Rylie Beth Jobe
I miss you. So so much. I miss you a lot. I dont see you often, but i do
love you with all my heart, and seeing you, makes my heart shine, and my
weeks get brighter. You're truely the most beautiful girl i've ever seen,
and i'm glad you're beautiful both outside and in, and the person you are,
makes me happy. You're so wonderous. :) It's inspiring.
Lexi Bradley
I've almost run into you a few times. Sometimes, i kinda hope i do. Just
because i worry, you know. and despite what you say, I've always loved you.
but its cool, you can hate me all you want.
Nina Grambling
I miss you too. I really do, i cant wait to see you on tuesday, i'm pretty
excited, whenever i see you, i kinda feel new again.
Kody Hill
I love you bro. I'm so glad you're Ben's best friend, you're really chill
and i like being around you.
Jeani Brechbill
You're fuckin sweet, i love being around you too. I dont think you know how
much i really do love you. You're amazing, and I always have the urge to be
on a best friend basis with you.
Pashence Anderson.
Yo cousin', I miss you! like, foreal. I wanna see you all the time. I'm always
thinkin about you, I love you, I feel deprived of you.
Ben's little bro James
I wanna meet you. You're the cutest thing in the world, and your little voice
makes me melt, i wanna get ben back to you, i know you make him happy. You make
me smile too.
Daddy
I miss you. I think about you often. I miss our summertimes, especially our
past one. I cant wait to see you, show you how much i've grown, and give you a good litle hug.
Megan Metzger
Thanks, for filling my best friends void.
Melisa Hurst
I miss you sissy. So much.
Saige Boilanger
I wanna be friends with you. And just that.
Beaux Alexander.
You know, when im gone, i miss you alot.
You're my little man, you're my little kid,
The day i got pregnant, if calcualated correctly,
was the day i got you.
You're like, my little baby, I love watching you grow,
even if its super annoying sometimes, i know you're just
being a puppy, and one day you're gonna be a big dog.
and i know, I'm gonna be there for that.
I love you little guy. I do.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Things
Thursday feb 25
Fight with kevin.
Last fight with kevin.
I'm done.
Sunday feb 28.
Car accident.
My fault.
Juvi
Court: March 18
License: suspended, year.
Tusday, march 2
No more kevin.
Broke up.
For the better.
Stress.
Friday
Doc appointment.
Anxiety
Insomnia.
Meds.
Counselor soon.
Nervous.
Scared.
Starting over.
Fight with kevin.
Last fight with kevin.
I'm done.
Sunday feb 28.
Car accident.
My fault.
Juvi
Court: March 18
License: suspended, year.
Tusday, march 2
No more kevin.
Broke up.
For the better.
Stress.
Friday
Doc appointment.
Anxiety
Insomnia.
Meds.
Counselor soon.
Nervous.
Scared.
Starting over.
Libby Shaffner
Things you put me through.
Febrary 14th, 1am.
text: "I dont wanna live"
So i'm sitting in her basement.
She had just went upstairs
do i follow?
No, give her 7 minutes alone time.
more texts.
More texts.
More replies.
Stress on my shoulders.
Fear.
Already bad weekend:
Abortion, kevin's shit, now libby.
Take 2 vicodin,
feel better.
Walk upstairs.
Sit outside the bathroom door.
Coward.
Scared.
HUGE door.
text: "can't you hear me crying?
Cant you tell you're too far away?"
I stand.
Door knob is the hardest ever turned.
There laying in the tub: libby.
I crawl in hold her.
Squeeze her.
Word vomit.
"you promised libby"
"forever"
"i need you."
"I love you."
"YOU PROMISED"
shake.
anger.
fear.
tired.
Start singing to her.
Stroking her hair.
She's griping me.
I know she's here,
and now that she's in my hands,
i knew she was safe.
And she's never left me since.
Febrary 14th, 1am.
text: "I dont wanna live"
So i'm sitting in her basement.
She had just went upstairs
do i follow?
No, give her 7 minutes alone time.
more texts.
More texts.
More replies.
Stress on my shoulders.
Fear.
Already bad weekend:
Abortion, kevin's shit, now libby.
Take 2 vicodin,
feel better.
Walk upstairs.
Sit outside the bathroom door.
Coward.
Scared.
HUGE door.
text: "can't you hear me crying?
Cant you tell you're too far away?"
I stand.
Door knob is the hardest ever turned.
There laying in the tub: libby.
I crawl in hold her.
Squeeze her.
Word vomit.
"you promised libby"
"forever"
"i need you."
"I love you."
"YOU PROMISED"
shake.
anger.
fear.
tired.
Start singing to her.
Stroking her hair.
She's griping me.
I know she's here,
and now that she's in my hands,
i knew she was safe.
And she's never left me since.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Worst night of my life
last night.
Phenergain suppositories,
Vicodin.
Those four pills vaginally.
I laid there feeling alright,
kinda shakey, nervous.
Libby Shaffner
How she kept me calm.
"I need to pee" so she came with me.
I sat on that toilet,
scared, shaking, starting to bleed.
Diahreah.
Libby: "Im gonna go turn off the movie"
(Madea goes to jail)
I grab her arm, "no dont leave... take this"
the plastic bag from the trash can.
trash can, there it went, puke.
Peanut butter and banana sandwhich
that she made me earlier.
I shoulda ate healthier, but who eats good,
on the day you're "teminating" a baby?
That sandwhich regurgitated, worst smell ever.
shaking and in pain, i finally got off the toilet.
45 minutes later.
I feel the blood seep out,
all over me
"ew ew ew." i run to the bathroom.
Sitting down, peeing,
There it is.
Out of me.. and energy sucking.
Feeling like crying, shaking.
"kayla, dont cry, don't pity yourself. Don't cry"
I just keep repeating. Shaking uncontrollably.
"Libby!!! EW! libby, i have no clean underwear... libbbyy"
She calls the step mom
"Libby! PUKE BUCKET!"
Chair, she sits next to me.
Puking all the food i had left out.
Miserable. choking.
She touches me, rubs my neck, strokes my hair.
dying, I thought i was dying.
Shaking, weak, light headed, couldn't sit up.
So she reads E.E. Cummings to me.
His poetry.
I wanted to die, I wanted to give up.
She just kept reading, her voice.
She stopped after 15 poems.
Im still shaking.
"Vicodin? You need it, kay. You should take it"
So i do.
15 seconds later.
Puke.
Mom walks in, she's home.
Puke puke puke.
"there goes your vicodin"-libbys voice.
Feeling like i'm about to pass out.
can't focus.
More puke.
Bloody puke.
No more food, but still puke.
"My poor mother"
Puke.
weak, i'm done.
"keep nursing that water"-libby's voice.
Eye sight blurry, "i wanna give up"
Mom's clean underwear.
I got off the toilet.
Took a vicodin.
Passing out, but still awake,
detatched reality.
half a foot long from subway,
so i'd have food in my stomach.
Passing out,
feeling better.
Lost 3 hours of my life.
Wanted to die.
Where were you?
Phenergain suppositories,
Vicodin.
Those four pills vaginally.
I laid there feeling alright,
kinda shakey, nervous.
Libby Shaffner
How she kept me calm.
"I need to pee" so she came with me.
I sat on that toilet,
scared, shaking, starting to bleed.
Diahreah.
Libby: "Im gonna go turn off the movie"
(Madea goes to jail)
I grab her arm, "no dont leave... take this"
the plastic bag from the trash can.
trash can, there it went, puke.
Peanut butter and banana sandwhich
that she made me earlier.
I shoulda ate healthier, but who eats good,
on the day you're "teminating" a baby?
That sandwhich regurgitated, worst smell ever.
shaking and in pain, i finally got off the toilet.
45 minutes later.
I feel the blood seep out,
all over me
"ew ew ew." i run to the bathroom.
Sitting down, peeing,
There it is.
Out of me.. and energy sucking.
Feeling like crying, shaking.
"kayla, dont cry, don't pity yourself. Don't cry"
I just keep repeating. Shaking uncontrollably.
"Libby!!! EW! libby, i have no clean underwear... libbbyy"
She calls the step mom
"Libby! PUKE BUCKET!"
Chair, she sits next to me.
Puking all the food i had left out.
Miserable. choking.
She touches me, rubs my neck, strokes my hair.
dying, I thought i was dying.
Shaking, weak, light headed, couldn't sit up.
So she reads E.E. Cummings to me.
His poetry.
I wanted to die, I wanted to give up.
She just kept reading, her voice.
She stopped after 15 poems.
Im still shaking.
"Vicodin? You need it, kay. You should take it"
So i do.
15 seconds later.
Puke.
Mom walks in, she's home.
Puke puke puke.
"there goes your vicodin"-libbys voice.
Feeling like i'm about to pass out.
can't focus.
More puke.
Bloody puke.
No more food, but still puke.
"My poor mother"
Puke.
weak, i'm done.
"keep nursing that water"-libby's voice.
Eye sight blurry, "i wanna give up"
Mom's clean underwear.
I got off the toilet.
Took a vicodin.
Passing out, but still awake,
detatched reality.
half a foot long from subway,
so i'd have food in my stomach.
Passing out,
feeling better.
Lost 3 hours of my life.
Wanted to die.
Where were you?
Monday, February 1, 2010
Jumbled.
Pregnant.
Confused.
Abortion?
Screaming.
Yelling.
Bawling.
Alone.
Starving.
Gaining.
Stress.
Cigarettes.
Tenderness.
Tiredness.
Libbys love.
Jessica's mouth.
Haylee's feelings.
Ash's beliefs.
Miscarriages.
Afraid.
That pill.
Friday the 5th 9am.
265 dollars.
Beaux.
Infection.
Puke.
Miserable.
Kevin.
Everyone.
Eyes.
Staring.
Music.
Pink Floyd.
Prom.
Graduation.
College.
NeverShoutNever, May 8th.
Dad.
Replacement.
Bleeding.
Tests.
Moms love.
I'm at a stressful time in my life.
and few people understand.
But those few that're here,
make life worth living,
and living is a hard thing to do,
and to want to do as of right now.
"the hardest part of living
is just taking breaths to stay"
and i'm afraid that's right.
but these people give me hope,
for a brighter and better day.
Confused.
Abortion?
Screaming.
Yelling.
Bawling.
Alone.
Starving.
Gaining.
Stress.
Cigarettes.
Tenderness.
Tiredness.
Libbys love.
Jessica's mouth.
Haylee's feelings.
Ash's beliefs.
Miscarriages.
Afraid.
That pill.
Friday the 5th 9am.
265 dollars.
Beaux.
Infection.
Puke.
Miserable.
Kevin.
Everyone.
Eyes.
Staring.
Music.
Pink Floyd.
Prom.
Graduation.
College.
NeverShoutNever, May 8th.
Dad.
Replacement.
Bleeding.
Tests.
Moms love.
I'm at a stressful time in my life.
and few people understand.
But those few that're here,
make life worth living,
and living is a hard thing to do,
and to want to do as of right now.
"the hardest part of living
is just taking breaths to stay"
and i'm afraid that's right.
but these people give me hope,
for a brighter and better day.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
Dear
Wow, I never thought it would come to this. Me writing you a letter. I know you’ve moved on from your past, but I here, have not. I dream about you, I think about you, I miss you. I just looked through pictures of us that are on my old computer. You were such a huge part of my life. ----, -----, ------ and I are trying to hang out. I don’t think I’m trying that hard, because I don’t think it will feel right without you. Not to mention Nina wants to go skating.
Upon looking at my pictures, I noticed, I smiled like I never had, and haven’t in awhile. You always made me the happiest, more happy than anyone ever had. I want this to come off so amazingly, and I want to reach in my soul and unravel it to you, though I know you don’t care to know or listen, or even try to believe me when I say I’m being honest. I’m not trying to be “selfish” or anything I’m not. I’m trying to be honest, ----; I mean all these things when I say them. I was in LOVE with you, sometimes I think I still am, but who ever knows, that’s not what I’m trying to get at here. You, ---- are untouchable. No one freakin’ compares to you. No one touches my heart like you did. I miss you, and please don’t doubt me, because I do. I think about how you brought me up, you MADE me. You gave me life in a place I never thought I had one, and for me to betray that, I’m sorry. I really am. What I did was wrong, so wrong. I know you don’t want to forgive me, because I know I don’t deserve it, I wouldn’t give me a third chance either, honest. I don’t know if that’s what I’m asking for, or well, I don’t really know the purpose of this. I guess its to reach down and admit how sorry I really am, and to tell you that you don’t deserve what I did to you. You deserve better than that, all your life you’ve been mistreated, and the last thing I wanted to do was just be another person who did you wrong, and caused you heartache. I know I caused you heartache, and that’s not me being cocky or anything of that nature, I just know it had to of hurt, and I never meant that to happen. As for saying I didn’t like you, I want to clear that up, and I can only hope you read this far, and will read more.
I never once said I don’t like you. I can’t even hear myself saying that, I can see how ----- and ---- could get that, but that’s not what I said. ----- wanted us to all hang out, and I stated how “---- and I aren’t on good terms” and he asked why, and I just gave him my point of view “well _ broke my heart” and you did, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t hurt you, because I’m aware I did, but we were both equally hurt. And he asked what happened and I said “I don’t know how to explain it. We’re just not on good terms. I don’t think I can handle hanging out with _” but that was meant in the way that it hurts. As for ----, it’s the same thing, except in ---- terms because he’d always ask about being “_” and about you and everything and I said “yeah we’re not really friends anymore.” because we weren’t and he also asked why and I said “because of ---- ----- back there.” because ---- ----- had rode my bus then. Then the convo switched to ----.
The reason I say I can’t hear myself saying that, is because, god ----, I loved you. Adored you, and was completely enamored by you, and your very existence. Sure even if I didn’t’ like you or would’ve thought that, I’d always love you. There’s a difference, it’s like you don’t have to like your moms attitude at the moment, but you’ll always love her, if that makes more sense.
----, ----, ----. I don’t know how to explain it. I can still close my eyes and see your smile, and hear your laugh. I walk down the halls of Jackson, and they’ll remind me of you. You were the best thing to me, and I suppose you always will be. I don’t know how to live with out you, so I keep memories of you fresh and bottled up in my mind, just so I feel I’ll always have you. I guess all I expect is that you read this and take it to heart that:
You’re everything to me, and I haven’t said that to “everyone else” I’ve said it to ----- maybe. I have best friends sure, but no matter what, no one will ever understand like you do.
I miss you, the days in the park, homecomings, dying your hair, taking pictures in the shower, building a snow bank so you don’t fly in my lake, finger-painting on each other, playing in the spring, being the “good students”, doing upside down kisses, skating and singing to each other, walking around the football game holding hands, and confusing aaron, walking home getting lost, telling you my deepest secret (still no one else knows), going to the balloon festival, holding you when you cried, relating to our anger problems, relating to our parents, watching “the forgotten” cuddling, walking to Bellstores in the snow at Jen’s, falling asleep on top of you at Jens, being there for you when you got that letter from Bill, crying to you in walmart, going ice skating, being there. Just being there with you, was amazing. You’ve touched my heart ----, and you still do somehow. I think about these things, and I smile, or perhaps I might cry. Sometimes I dream you into my life, and hope it might come true. Even up to our last days together, in your room, star bucks, the show, I was in hopes that you would be as huge of a role in my life as you were. I still wish I could be there, could still hear about Kenny, Bill and hold you through whatever it is you might be going through. But these are wishes, and we’re in reality. I just, hope you had a good birthday, sorry I’m late, I just didn’t want to ruin your actual birthday.
HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY.
I hope it was the best,
The huge One Eight.
You deserve the world,
And I hope someone gives it to you.
If its not too much, tell your mom, I miss her.
Sincerely,
Love,
Kayla McTeague
“You can never say never, while we don’t know that, time, time, time an again, younger now than we were before, don’t let me go, don’t let me go, don’t let me goooo.”
P.s. You’re 18th birthday is 1-10-10 haha. (sorry)
Upon looking at my pictures, I noticed, I smiled like I never had, and haven’t in awhile. You always made me the happiest, more happy than anyone ever had. I want this to come off so amazingly, and I want to reach in my soul and unravel it to you, though I know you don’t care to know or listen, or even try to believe me when I say I’m being honest. I’m not trying to be “selfish” or anything I’m not. I’m trying to be honest, ----; I mean all these things when I say them. I was in LOVE with you, sometimes I think I still am, but who ever knows, that’s not what I’m trying to get at here. You, ---- are untouchable. No one freakin’ compares to you. No one touches my heart like you did. I miss you, and please don’t doubt me, because I do. I think about how you brought me up, you MADE me. You gave me life in a place I never thought I had one, and for me to betray that, I’m sorry. I really am. What I did was wrong, so wrong. I know you don’t want to forgive me, because I know I don’t deserve it, I wouldn’t give me a third chance either, honest. I don’t know if that’s what I’m asking for, or well, I don’t really know the purpose of this. I guess its to reach down and admit how sorry I really am, and to tell you that you don’t deserve what I did to you. You deserve better than that, all your life you’ve been mistreated, and the last thing I wanted to do was just be another person who did you wrong, and caused you heartache. I know I caused you heartache, and that’s not me being cocky or anything of that nature, I just know it had to of hurt, and I never meant that to happen. As for saying I didn’t like you, I want to clear that up, and I can only hope you read this far, and will read more.
I never once said I don’t like you. I can’t even hear myself saying that, I can see how ----- and ---- could get that, but that’s not what I said. ----- wanted us to all hang out, and I stated how “---- and I aren’t on good terms” and he asked why, and I just gave him my point of view “well _ broke my heart” and you did, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t hurt you, because I’m aware I did, but we were both equally hurt. And he asked what happened and I said “I don’t know how to explain it. We’re just not on good terms. I don’t think I can handle hanging out with _” but that was meant in the way that it hurts. As for ----, it’s the same thing, except in ---- terms because he’d always ask about being “_” and about you and everything and I said “yeah we’re not really friends anymore.” because we weren’t and he also asked why and I said “because of ---- ----- back there.” because ---- ----- had rode my bus then. Then the convo switched to ----.
The reason I say I can’t hear myself saying that, is because, god ----, I loved you. Adored you, and was completely enamored by you, and your very existence. Sure even if I didn’t’ like you or would’ve thought that, I’d always love you. There’s a difference, it’s like you don’t have to like your moms attitude at the moment, but you’ll always love her, if that makes more sense.
----, ----, ----. I don’t know how to explain it. I can still close my eyes and see your smile, and hear your laugh. I walk down the halls of Jackson, and they’ll remind me of you. You were the best thing to me, and I suppose you always will be. I don’t know how to live with out you, so I keep memories of you fresh and bottled up in my mind, just so I feel I’ll always have you. I guess all I expect is that you read this and take it to heart that:
You’re everything to me, and I haven’t said that to “everyone else” I’ve said it to ----- maybe. I have best friends sure, but no matter what, no one will ever understand like you do.
I miss you, the days in the park, homecomings, dying your hair, taking pictures in the shower, building a snow bank so you don’t fly in my lake, finger-painting on each other, playing in the spring, being the “good students”, doing upside down kisses, skating and singing to each other, walking around the football game holding hands, and confusing aaron, walking home getting lost, telling you my deepest secret (still no one else knows), going to the balloon festival, holding you when you cried, relating to our anger problems, relating to our parents, watching “the forgotten” cuddling, walking to Bellstores in the snow at Jen’s, falling asleep on top of you at Jens, being there for you when you got that letter from Bill, crying to you in walmart, going ice skating, being there. Just being there with you, was amazing. You’ve touched my heart ----, and you still do somehow. I think about these things, and I smile, or perhaps I might cry. Sometimes I dream you into my life, and hope it might come true. Even up to our last days together, in your room, star bucks, the show, I was in hopes that you would be as huge of a role in my life as you were. I still wish I could be there, could still hear about Kenny, Bill and hold you through whatever it is you might be going through. But these are wishes, and we’re in reality. I just, hope you had a good birthday, sorry I’m late, I just didn’t want to ruin your actual birthday.
HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY.
I hope it was the best,
The huge One Eight.
You deserve the world,
And I hope someone gives it to you.
If its not too much, tell your mom, I miss her.
Sincerely,
Love,
Kayla McTeague
“You can never say never, while we don’t know that, time, time, time an again, younger now than we were before, don’t let me go, don’t let me go, don’t let me goooo.”
P.s. You’re 18th birthday is 1-10-10 haha. (sorry)
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
I dont understand
sometimes.
I just dont get it.
Exclusivity, you say its when you can trust me,
but i dont understand why it has to be about you,
what about when i can trust you?
Do you know how hurt i get?
Here i am bawling my eyes out, i dont think you'd ever know.
You just dont see it,
and i dont know how to make you.
I just want you to see that you hurt me,
more frequently than you'll ever know,
and i do deal with it,
and i accept you for who you are,thats dealing with it.
You say that if i just accept you, you'll quit all your bad ways
but your bad ways hurt me, and they're the only things that would
make me leave you, so if you just want me to stay in the long run,
then if you get rid of them, i wouldnt have to hurt, and you wouldnt
have to worry about me leaving.
I'm just so jaded, so hurt, so betrayed,
all i did was kiss a guy kinda, and you suffered severe pain for a month,
I've suffered that same pain for months and months, and still do,
because you wont stop,
and i fixed it, so that you wont hurt anymore.
I dont understand why i deserve such the mistrust.
When you're the one saying "i could cheat, and not feel guilty,
because you cheated." your cheat is to fuck someone, its different.
and saying you wouldnt feel guilty and that you'd rub it in my face as
"even".... and you wonder why i question your caring...
I just dont understand how you expect me to understand.
I try so hard,
when do you try for mee?
You havent change, and i've tried to.
You changing things that hurt me, is a sign of caring.
And i just wanna feel like you care about me.
That's all i ask.
Ever.
EVER.
Consider my feelings sometimes.
:(
I just love you so much.
I just dont get it.
Exclusivity, you say its when you can trust me,
but i dont understand why it has to be about you,
what about when i can trust you?
Do you know how hurt i get?
Here i am bawling my eyes out, i dont think you'd ever know.
You just dont see it,
and i dont know how to make you.
I just want you to see that you hurt me,
more frequently than you'll ever know,
and i do deal with it,
and i accept you for who you are,thats dealing with it.
You say that if i just accept you, you'll quit all your bad ways
but your bad ways hurt me, and they're the only things that would
make me leave you, so if you just want me to stay in the long run,
then if you get rid of them, i wouldnt have to hurt, and you wouldnt
have to worry about me leaving.
I'm just so jaded, so hurt, so betrayed,
all i did was kiss a guy kinda, and you suffered severe pain for a month,
I've suffered that same pain for months and months, and still do,
because you wont stop,
and i fixed it, so that you wont hurt anymore.
I dont understand why i deserve such the mistrust.
When you're the one saying "i could cheat, and not feel guilty,
because you cheated." your cheat is to fuck someone, its different.
and saying you wouldnt feel guilty and that you'd rub it in my face as
"even".... and you wonder why i question your caring...
I just dont understand how you expect me to understand.
I try so hard,
when do you try for mee?
You havent change, and i've tried to.
You changing things that hurt me, is a sign of caring.
And i just wanna feel like you care about me.
That's all i ask.
Ever.
EVER.
Consider my feelings sometimes.
:(
I just love you so much.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Alone.
Feelin it.
You
I just want your dedication.
I want your whole heart.
You
Never seem to fail.
You
Are always there, and i just push you away
You
I love you, like my own sister.
I just wanna be there, you pefect disaster.
you
I'm so glad you're back in my life
Out of the 5 of us,
"We two are always gonna make it.
We never fought. You just chose her, and its okay"
I love you, Mrs. Understanding.
You
came at the perfect time, but left too soon.
You
Like me, and its a change to not run from it.
You
Disappeared from my life two years ago.
but its nice to have to you back.
Mr. Icomprehend.
You
I miss you. I cry most nights.
Little girl, you'll never know.
You'll never listen again.
But if i could go back,
I'd choose you all over again.
You
Oh you try. But You've always raised me right.
You
I just want your dedication.
I want your whole heart.
You
Never seem to fail.
You
Are always there, and i just push you away
You
I love you, like my own sister.
I just wanna be there, you pefect disaster.
you
I'm so glad you're back in my life
Out of the 5 of us,
"We two are always gonna make it.
We never fought. You just chose her, and its okay"
I love you, Mrs. Understanding.
You
came at the perfect time, but left too soon.
You
Like me, and its a change to not run from it.
You
Disappeared from my life two years ago.
but its nice to have to you back.
Mr. Icomprehend.
You
I miss you. I cry most nights.
Little girl, you'll never know.
You'll never listen again.
But if i could go back,
I'd choose you all over again.
You
Oh you try. But You've always raised me right.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
The past year.
Oh the things.
Kissing you when the ball dropped
Having a skittles contest
"You guys are best friends aren't you?" Ihop
Driving to your house, catching up.
Going to starbucks, catching up.
Getting close to you, talking on the phone.
You becoming my best guy friend.
Monsters vs. Aliens.
Girls night only.
Walking to a show, that guy creepin "hey girls!"
You cutting your toe open
Kevin slamming into the bleachers.
you helping me, when i didnt want help.
Partying a lot.
Partying with you, kissed you.
Taco bell, double beef burrito.
Ihope at 3/4 am.
Driving with Ty, Andy, Kevin.
"Handfull's enough honey"
Him almost kissing you in science.
"BEADS!!!?"
OGT week.
Muscle relaxers.
CiCi's pizza.
Marcedes.
Calling Lexi everyday.
Becoming friends with Nina again.
4.20.
first time.
You getting arrested.
Rylies Dads.
Spending the night at your parents.
Walking to your bathroom, not dripping.
Fighting a lot more.
Hard times with mom.
Ashley's.
Hookah.
Summertime.
Smoking.
Kings.
Kevins dick in your face.
Robeks with Ash.
Left 4 dead.
Summer english.
Graduating early.
Driving around late at night.
Making my bath 'cause i'm sick.
Crying in your arms the 2nd to last night.
Crying the last night.
Packing for my dads.
Taking Seargant Snuggles.
Going to my dads.
Dad and Roxanne fighting.
Dad and i got closer.
Sushi on the beach.
Sushi in the spring.
Getting sunburnt.
Getting close to Logan Paone
Escaping to Jeannie and Pay's.
Shopping with Pay.
Pay's tonsels out.
Wet n' Wild.
Serious talks in the truck.
Miniature golfing.
Riding your motorcycle.
Going 100mph.
Letting me drive the truck.
Chipotle with Jeannie and Pay.
Talking to you every night.
Our fight about Krystal.
Coming home.
Walking through the airport with Seargant Snuggles.
Seeing you for the first time in 3 weeks, hugging you.
Going home.
You staying at my house every night for a month.
The naked picture.
Snide comment "i'll call brooke then"
Me giving you the death stare.
Making me do my english.
Fighting about Lexi and Krystal.
Ending fight with Lexi.
Her and Doyle breaking up.
Starting school.
Senior year.
Not being able to trust you.
Science class.
Saige Boilanger.
Penny lab.
"we can be penny engineers"
"Boats n' Hoes"
Mr. Tully yelling at us talking.
Cutting my hair.
THE show.
You ignoring me.
flirting with every girl on earth.
Hanging with Haylee and logan.
Crying my eyes out to you.
Jess spending the night.
Going out at 3am to TP houses with SK&A
Fun.
Watching Scream.
Coming home at 7am.
You kissed me.
Telling you, worst mistake.
A week until you left town.
Worst annv. ever. Fighting.
You were the best to me.
Hanging with Libby for the first time.
Libby saying she's in love with me. :D
The School Bonfire and Ihop.
Driving libby's car.
Your last day, standing there.
Lost a great friend, through everything.
Getting Kicked out.
Going to ash's.
Talking to you.
Talking to you.
Talking to you.
Failing.
You're zannex.
Texting you.
Texting you.
Wanting out.
Hopeless, lost.
"FUCK YOU." <--- this night stays forever.
you left me that night.
Doing Zannex.
Hanging with Libby everyday.
Shawn Barth. :/
him trying to rape me.
Freaking out.
"dont tell kevin. dont tell kevin"
Going with Libby and ben to mall.
Coming home to my "surprise!!!" party.
Thanks haylee and jess.
Smoking.
Seeing Rylie.
Birthday gifts.
padiddle with anthony.
Southpark mall with you.
Goodbyes.
Driving home.
Applebees late at night with mom and hay.
Driving to your house bawling.
you being there for me.
Kevin calling on aderall, excited to fix it.
Next day: breakdown.
McDonals with libby.
Bringing you Seargant Snuggles.
Crying upon leavin the hosp.
You telling me "i'll stop flirting. all i want is you"
Betraying me.
"I wanted to be your first"
"i want you."
Heartbroken.
I almost left you that night
Starbucks parking lot
apologizing.
Writing your book.
Park with logan.
Muggzwigs.
Demitris deli.
Lost in canal fulton.
Visiting you at Jays.
NevershoutNever, luck.
Chicago.
You breaking my heart.
Libby making me cookies
Broken phone.
Thanksgiving.
Libby.
Brandon Caldwell in science.
Mccary adding me on myspace.
Senior pictures.
Partying at kevins with Jeani, Nina, and Sam.
Crying to "comfortably numb" missing lexi.
Libby missing.
Failing Drawing.
The show at the java house.
My two best friends fighting.
slamming the door in haylees face.
Einstein bagels.
Nick and Norahs infinite playlist.
Jean fund.
bras.
boots.
Troy.
Puppy.
Christmas day.
Don, Sherri and justin.
Comforter.
Fighting with mom.
Kevin coming over.
Keiths party, wasted.
Nina.<3
New years party with Haylee, jess and Ry.
Smirnoff and cookies.
"Want some nip dawg?"
<3
Kissing you when the ball dropped
Having a skittles contest
"You guys are best friends aren't you?" Ihop
Driving to your house, catching up.
Going to starbucks, catching up.
Getting close to you, talking on the phone.
You becoming my best guy friend.
Monsters vs. Aliens.
Girls night only.
Walking to a show, that guy creepin "hey girls!"
You cutting your toe open
Kevin slamming into the bleachers.
you helping me, when i didnt want help.
Partying a lot.
Partying with you, kissed you.
Taco bell, double beef burrito.
Ihope at 3/4 am.
Driving with Ty, Andy, Kevin.
"Handfull's enough honey"
Him almost kissing you in science.
"BEADS!!!?"
OGT week.
Muscle relaxers.
CiCi's pizza.
Marcedes.
Calling Lexi everyday.
Becoming friends with Nina again.
4.20.
first time.
You getting arrested.
Rylies Dads.
Spending the night at your parents.
Walking to your bathroom, not dripping.
Fighting a lot more.
Hard times with mom.
Ashley's.
Hookah.
Summertime.
Smoking.
Kings.
Kevins dick in your face.
Robeks with Ash.
Left 4 dead.
Summer english.
Graduating early.
Driving around late at night.
Making my bath 'cause i'm sick.
Crying in your arms the 2nd to last night.
Crying the last night.
Packing for my dads.
Taking Seargant Snuggles.
Going to my dads.
Dad and Roxanne fighting.
Dad and i got closer.
Sushi on the beach.
Sushi in the spring.
Getting sunburnt.
Getting close to Logan Paone
Escaping to Jeannie and Pay's.
Shopping with Pay.
Pay's tonsels out.
Wet n' Wild.
Serious talks in the truck.
Miniature golfing.
Riding your motorcycle.
Going 100mph.
Letting me drive the truck.
Chipotle with Jeannie and Pay.
Talking to you every night.
Our fight about Krystal.
Coming home.
Walking through the airport with Seargant Snuggles.
Seeing you for the first time in 3 weeks, hugging you.
Going home.
You staying at my house every night for a month.
The naked picture.
Snide comment "i'll call brooke then"
Me giving you the death stare.
Making me do my english.
Fighting about Lexi and Krystal.
Ending fight with Lexi.
Her and Doyle breaking up.
Starting school.
Senior year.
Not being able to trust you.
Science class.
Saige Boilanger.
Penny lab.
"we can be penny engineers"
"Boats n' Hoes"
Mr. Tully yelling at us talking.
Cutting my hair.
THE show.
You ignoring me.
flirting with every girl on earth.
Hanging with Haylee and logan.
Crying my eyes out to you.
Jess spending the night.
Going out at 3am to TP houses with SK&A
Fun.
Watching Scream.
Coming home at 7am.
You kissed me.
Telling you, worst mistake.
A week until you left town.
Worst annv. ever. Fighting.
You were the best to me.
Hanging with Libby for the first time.
Libby saying she's in love with me. :D
The School Bonfire and Ihop.
Driving libby's car.
Your last day, standing there.
Lost a great friend, through everything.
Getting Kicked out.
Going to ash's.
Talking to you.
Talking to you.
Talking to you.
Failing.
You're zannex.
Texting you.
Texting you.
Wanting out.
Hopeless, lost.
"FUCK YOU." <--- this night stays forever.
you left me that night.
Doing Zannex.
Hanging with Libby everyday.
Shawn Barth. :/
him trying to rape me.
Freaking out.
"dont tell kevin. dont tell kevin"
Going with Libby and ben to mall.
Coming home to my "surprise!!!" party.
Thanks haylee and jess.
Smoking.
Seeing Rylie.
Birthday gifts.
padiddle with anthony.
Southpark mall with you.
Goodbyes.
Driving home.
Applebees late at night with mom and hay.
Driving to your house bawling.
you being there for me.
Kevin calling on aderall, excited to fix it.
Next day: breakdown.
McDonals with libby.
Bringing you Seargant Snuggles.
Crying upon leavin the hosp.
You telling me "i'll stop flirting. all i want is you"
Betraying me.
"I wanted to be your first"
"i want you."
Heartbroken.
I almost left you that night
Starbucks parking lot
apologizing.
Writing your book.
Park with logan.
Muggzwigs.
Demitris deli.
Lost in canal fulton.
Visiting you at Jays.
NevershoutNever, luck.
Chicago.
You breaking my heart.
Libby making me cookies
Broken phone.
Thanksgiving.
Libby.
Brandon Caldwell in science.
Mccary adding me on myspace.
Senior pictures.
Partying at kevins with Jeani, Nina, and Sam.
Crying to "comfortably numb" missing lexi.
Libby missing.
Failing Drawing.
The show at the java house.
My two best friends fighting.
slamming the door in haylees face.
Einstein bagels.
Nick and Norahs infinite playlist.
Jean fund.
bras.
boots.
Troy.
Puppy.
Christmas day.
Don, Sherri and justin.
Comforter.
Fighting with mom.
Kevin coming over.
Keiths party, wasted.
Nina.<3
New years party with Haylee, jess and Ry.
Smirnoff and cookies.
"Want some nip dawg?"
<3
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