So it's 5 months today...and I spent it alone.
"I'll be there at 3"
Must've been a fool to believe it.
Because people, shouldn't believe the ones they love, right?
Lately, people have let me down.
Never did I ever expect you would.
I've seen a change in the things you do, and the things you say.
Though I love you, all the same.
I remember the times, you were so crazy about me,
it was like you couldn't breath with out me being there,
without talking to me.
I remember when you would tell me all those cute little things
"I can't even think of any other girls, youre so perfect, you just took
that power away from me" "I love you soo much,the rest of the world doesn't matter"
"I'm going to turn this music off. Talk to me."
I remember you would introduce me "THIS is the one, this is my girlfriend"
But now, it's like you could care less whether I'm there, whether you talk to me. Seems like you'd prefer to play video games. So I just don't talk. If only you knew I can't breath.
Now it seems like, everyone else matters, more than me.
I would call and ask if you want to hang out,but it's your schedule that's so jumbled, so it's up to YOU whether we hang out.
Sure, it doesn't have to be every second of every day.
But a little more than what's happening now, would be nice.
I just want some appreciation. Sure, I can't give you everything, because I don't have much to give. and sometimes, i won't do exactly what you'd like, like make you waffles, or straighten your hair. But I give as much as I can, and sometimes I feel like shit, because it seems like you don't notice.
You always ask me if there's anything about you that bothers me,
and it's starting to show. You really change alot when we're around
people. When we're by ourselves, it's like you really care,
then we go somewhere, and it's like you care about everyone so much more than me.
I can't wait until you get a car, because I'm hoping things will change.
Like in the mustang that night, when you picked me up, just because you wanted
to be with me. and it was just you and me in the car, it felt like everything was
right, like that was how it was supposed to be.
I know you said you try to be tough, and not show how "crazy" you are for me. Why? Do you think it makes you seem not as good? Because honestly, i love when you SHOW how important I am to you, when you tell me how important I am. For example, if I were surrounded by a bunch of my friends, and talked to them, instead of you, just left you to sit there, aht the bar eating chex mix, it'd kinda suck.
BECAUSE when i go places wiht you, I'm there for you, not for them.
I'm in LOVE with you, not everyone else.
and I just want you to feel that way too.
I want you to be proud to be my boyfried, or at least pretend you are.
I have this belief that you;d be just as fine without me
i love you more than anything. Because of that, you can break my heart like anything else. you can make my emotions go from one extreme to the next, with
the tiniest little thing, and sometimes, i just wish you'd realize the way the things
you do affect me.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Jessica
There's so much I've got to get off my chest,
and i know you'll read this.
I love you sooo much.
You're the best thing to arrive in Ohio
since I've been here.
You go out of your way to do things for me.
I want to do so much for you, all the time,
the only thing is, I can't really.
I don't have money or the things I need to give
you all I want to give you.
I want to supply you with the world.
I know you don't like Ohio that much,
and you're going back to Maryland in a little more
than a day.
Honestly, I'm not mad you're going,
not at all.
Perhaps I'm jealous because you have
the oppurtunity, I never had.
Jealous, because you're going to see NSN,
and I know I'm not that fortunate.
But Also, I'm afraid.
I know you'll go back,
and I don't know what exactly you'll get from it...
But I know it'll be a bunch of heartache when you come back.
You'll just miss it so much more after you get back...
and you'll cry all the time,
and you'll be so upset, and I won't even know what to do
or what to say, or how to make it better.
And you'll sit there and say "ohio really sucks"
and I know what it's like, Canton isn't really that great.
But it wasn't that great for me at first either,
and now look where I'm at.
Sure it's not the funnest place, and there's nothing
you can really do....
But, a place is only as boring and fun, as you make it.
I just wish I could make Ohio so much better,
and when you say it sucks to me, and you just wanna get out,
and you miss maryland,
I feel like things will never be okay, like I'm not trying
hard enough.
I just want you to be happy,
and I know when you come back things are going to be
so upset, and you're going to be so down.
I just don't want you to change the way you're going
right now. You're doing so good, with your grades,
with you job, and all of it's for maryland,
and once you get back, i hope you keep the progres up,
even though your motives are gone.
Just know that I love you,
and I'm oh so proud of you.
One day we'll leave this town,
but it's here I'll always return,
it's here, the place of let downs
but it's here, my heart has learned.
You can roam free,
to explore your wildest dream,
But know it's here,
you can always return to me.
This may not be much of place,
but since you arrived,
The sun has shone brighter
this town has grown more beautiful,
since you blessed it with your grace.
and i know you'll read this.
I love you sooo much.
You're the best thing to arrive in Ohio
since I've been here.
You go out of your way to do things for me.
I want to do so much for you, all the time,
the only thing is, I can't really.
I don't have money or the things I need to give
you all I want to give you.
I want to supply you with the world.
I know you don't like Ohio that much,
and you're going back to Maryland in a little more
than a day.
Honestly, I'm not mad you're going,
not at all.
Perhaps I'm jealous because you have
the oppurtunity, I never had.
Jealous, because you're going to see NSN,
and I know I'm not that fortunate.
But Also, I'm afraid.
I know you'll go back,
and I don't know what exactly you'll get from it...
But I know it'll be a bunch of heartache when you come back.
You'll just miss it so much more after you get back...
and you'll cry all the time,
and you'll be so upset, and I won't even know what to do
or what to say, or how to make it better.
And you'll sit there and say "ohio really sucks"
and I know what it's like, Canton isn't really that great.
But it wasn't that great for me at first either,
and now look where I'm at.
Sure it's not the funnest place, and there's nothing
you can really do....
But, a place is only as boring and fun, as you make it.
I just wish I could make Ohio so much better,
and when you say it sucks to me, and you just wanna get out,
and you miss maryland,
I feel like things will never be okay, like I'm not trying
hard enough.
I just want you to be happy,
and I know when you come back things are going to be
so upset, and you're going to be so down.
I just don't want you to change the way you're going
right now. You're doing so good, with your grades,
with you job, and all of it's for maryland,
and once you get back, i hope you keep the progres up,
even though your motives are gone.
Just know that I love you,
and I'm oh so proud of you.
One day we'll leave this town,
but it's here I'll always return,
it's here, the place of let downs
but it's here, my heart has learned.
You can roam free,
to explore your wildest dream,
But know it's here,
you can always return to me.
This may not be much of place,
but since you arrived,
The sun has shone brighter
this town has grown more beautiful,
since you blessed it with your grace.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
"sugarplum"
I love you.
Track 1: Take it home.
"take it off, take it off, i can't wait any more i need your touch...Ice ice melt your heart"
This song makes me think of those crazy nights when you wanna have a good time,
and you want to forget all the problems surrounding you, and you get lost in the arms of some boy, whose touch makes your skin crawl and chills go up your spine.
Track 2: Candle 'Sick and Tired'
"All this darkness will surround you, because I'm burning for you, burning like a candle"
This song reminds me of when I'm fed of with people and I just wanna get my anger out
because I'd already pent up all the anger i could muster, and I'm about to combust,
and I'm sitting on the edge of my bed, elbows on my knees, head in my hands, and start screaming this song at the top of my lungs
Track 3: Secret Valentine
"We'll write a song, that turns out the lights"
"We'll hope it's not for nothing at all"
"Lay down be still, don't worry talk they will, I'll be loving you until
mornings first light"
This song makes me want to hold your hand, walking down the sidewalks in New York City, and we're the only people we see, because everyone's passing by so fast, and rushing by, and we're taking our time, cruising along, in friendship.
Track 4: I caught Fire (in your eyes).
"Just stay with me. Lay with me now...Never caught my breath, every second I'm without you I'm a mess"
This song is the type of song, that makes me feel like someone understands, like I can wrap my arms around myself, and possibly hold myself together, knowing, someone else feels the falling apart feeling I am.
Track 5: American Girl
"She couldnt help thinking that there's a little more life somewhere else."
This song makes me smile, because it's unique. It makes me wanna walk down a dark deserted city, with it playing in the background. :]
Track 6: My Beautiful Rescue
"My bones are shattered, my pride is shatterd, and in the midst of this self inflicted pain, I can see my beautiful rescue"
This song has two meanings to me, It means my friendship with you, because you were my rescue,I needed you, I NEED you. EVerything you do... I'm so thankful for you.
And of course, Kevin, but simply because he showed it to me, to express his love for me, and it meants for him, that I do love him, and that he showed up right at the rihgt time also.
Track 7: I wanna Dance with Somebody
"when the night falls, the lonliness calls. OH! I wanna dance with somebody. I wanna feel the heat with somebody"
:] This song, you're so right. It makes me wanna grab the person closest to me, and take their hands and jump around dancing in circles while screaming my lungs out. Lol. lookin' like a crazy person.
Track 8: Age is old
I don't have a favorite quote. It starts out wonderful "it's your birhtday aren't you scared, your jeans and your pretty hair. and all the boys are after you" I'm crying right now. it's so beautiful.It makes me wanna be held, someone to play and sing it for me... It's exactly like me... "you make me weak when you bite my lip, you twist my head" "I don't mind and I dont care, just take me anywhere"... God jess... I don't even know what to say. I love you so much. So fucking much. Idk where I'd be without you, probably no where, alone...laying in my bed without anyone to understand. "Just, get me outta here"
Track 9: Shut up
"So shut up shut up, don't wanna hear it, get out of my way"
This song, makes me feel better, if I'm angry. :]Especially at some bitch,
who puts me down.
Track 10: Losing It
"All we ever did was move around, I was always the new kid, never the cool kid"
"My heart was racing, my mind was screaming you've got your whole life to do these things, but my legs were shaking, my hands were searching for her, in the backseat of my car, I just lost it"
This song is the definition of losing my virginity. I was th enew kid, my life was ruined, I wasn't cool anymore. I just wanted to be love. I thought I loved him and if I did know he wasnt' true... La dadada dahda dah.
Track 11: I'll be there for you
"where as my heart lays bleeding, true love, it's suicide"
This song, is that song, you lay in your bed to, after somebody hurts you, and you don't know how to explain how you feel, and you just loove the person, no matter what.
Track 12: See you again.
"I stutter when you ask me what i'm thinkin about"
Definition of a middle school crush. Haha. this song makes me turn it up, and dance around in the car, remembering, the old times.
Track 13: Happy Ending
Omg. I didn't realize what song this was... I love this song. It's so cute. He's got a amazing voice, it's really soothing, It's the one you walk around the house blaring, half drunk, upset, clinging to the bottle in your hand.
Track 14: Paper Chase
"it was the best of times from broken homes and battle scars to where we are"
OMG! This song, whenever I graduate, i'm driving away with it blaring. :] Amazing.
Track 15: Come one, come all
"you're just in time to witness my first break down. There's a mile gone for every minute i'm stuck in this town"
Haha. I wanna sing this in the car with you, down by the beach, with the windows down, and forgetting everythign.
Track 16: Summers Eyes
This song in general is amazing... Wow. It makes me wanna lay in a meadow with you,
on a warm, breezy summer day. Thinking about the good and bad times, singing our mellow hearts out. :] "I don't know the first thing about how to save the world" "I don't claim to understand the first thing about love"
Haha. It calms me, makes me smile.
Track 1: Take it home.
"take it off, take it off, i can't wait any more i need your touch...Ice ice melt your heart"
This song makes me think of those crazy nights when you wanna have a good time,
and you want to forget all the problems surrounding you, and you get lost in the arms of some boy, whose touch makes your skin crawl and chills go up your spine.
Track 2: Candle 'Sick and Tired'
"All this darkness will surround you, because I'm burning for you, burning like a candle"
This song reminds me of when I'm fed of with people and I just wanna get my anger out
because I'd already pent up all the anger i could muster, and I'm about to combust,
and I'm sitting on the edge of my bed, elbows on my knees, head in my hands, and start screaming this song at the top of my lungs
Track 3: Secret Valentine
"We'll write a song, that turns out the lights"
"We'll hope it's not for nothing at all"
"Lay down be still, don't worry talk they will, I'll be loving you until
mornings first light"
This song makes me want to hold your hand, walking down the sidewalks in New York City, and we're the only people we see, because everyone's passing by so fast, and rushing by, and we're taking our time, cruising along, in friendship.
Track 4: I caught Fire (in your eyes).
"Just stay with me. Lay with me now...Never caught my breath, every second I'm without you I'm a mess"
This song is the type of song, that makes me feel like someone understands, like I can wrap my arms around myself, and possibly hold myself together, knowing, someone else feels the falling apart feeling I am.
Track 5: American Girl
"She couldnt help thinking that there's a little more life somewhere else."
This song makes me smile, because it's unique. It makes me wanna walk down a dark deserted city, with it playing in the background. :]
Track 6: My Beautiful Rescue
"My bones are shattered, my pride is shatterd, and in the midst of this self inflicted pain, I can see my beautiful rescue"
This song has two meanings to me, It means my friendship with you, because you were my rescue,I needed you, I NEED you. EVerything you do... I'm so thankful for you.
And of course, Kevin, but simply because he showed it to me, to express his love for me, and it meants for him, that I do love him, and that he showed up right at the rihgt time also.
Track 7: I wanna Dance with Somebody
"when the night falls, the lonliness calls. OH! I wanna dance with somebody. I wanna feel the heat with somebody"
:] This song, you're so right. It makes me wanna grab the person closest to me, and take their hands and jump around dancing in circles while screaming my lungs out. Lol. lookin' like a crazy person.
Track 8: Age is old
I don't have a favorite quote. It starts out wonderful "it's your birhtday aren't you scared, your jeans and your pretty hair. and all the boys are after you" I'm crying right now. it's so beautiful.It makes me wanna be held, someone to play and sing it for me... It's exactly like me... "you make me weak when you bite my lip, you twist my head" "I don't mind and I dont care, just take me anywhere"... God jess... I don't even know what to say. I love you so much. So fucking much. Idk where I'd be without you, probably no where, alone...laying in my bed without anyone to understand. "Just, get me outta here"
Track 9: Shut up
"So shut up shut up, don't wanna hear it, get out of my way"
This song, makes me feel better, if I'm angry. :]Especially at some bitch,
who puts me down.
Track 10: Losing It
"All we ever did was move around, I was always the new kid, never the cool kid"
"My heart was racing, my mind was screaming you've got your whole life to do these things, but my legs were shaking, my hands were searching for her, in the backseat of my car, I just lost it"
This song is the definition of losing my virginity. I was th enew kid, my life was ruined, I wasn't cool anymore. I just wanted to be love. I thought I loved him and if I did know he wasnt' true... La dadada dahda dah.
Track 11: I'll be there for you
"where as my heart lays bleeding, true love, it's suicide"
This song, is that song, you lay in your bed to, after somebody hurts you, and you don't know how to explain how you feel, and you just loove the person, no matter what.
Track 12: See you again.
"I stutter when you ask me what i'm thinkin about"
Definition of a middle school crush. Haha. this song makes me turn it up, and dance around in the car, remembering, the old times.
Track 13: Happy Ending
Omg. I didn't realize what song this was... I love this song. It's so cute. He's got a amazing voice, it's really soothing, It's the one you walk around the house blaring, half drunk, upset, clinging to the bottle in your hand.
Track 14: Paper Chase
"it was the best of times from broken homes and battle scars to where we are"
OMG! This song, whenever I graduate, i'm driving away with it blaring. :] Amazing.
Track 15: Come one, come all
"you're just in time to witness my first break down. There's a mile gone for every minute i'm stuck in this town"
Haha. I wanna sing this in the car with you, down by the beach, with the windows down, and forgetting everythign.
Track 16: Summers Eyes
This song in general is amazing... Wow. It makes me wanna lay in a meadow with you,
on a warm, breezy summer day. Thinking about the good and bad times, singing our mellow hearts out. :] "I don't know the first thing about how to save the world" "I don't claim to understand the first thing about love"
Haha. It calms me, makes me smile.
Thoughts
I hate knowing that anything can be easily faked,
and that any bad intentions can be disguised.
I hate knowing that things can change, with one thought.
It's pretty scary.
I get pretty scared a lot.
Afraid I always counteracted some sort of trigger,
and I did something wrong somewhere,
to make someone change their mind.
I'm always afraid of losing everyone,
Afraid of screwing up.
I'm afraid I'll never be good enough,
afraid I'll be a nobody,
that deserves nothing.
I'm so afraid to be by myself,
Because I'm insecure no one will like me.
Sometimes, I wish people could say more,
express more, how much I'm loved.
Sometimes, I wish people wouldn't hold back
on the things they're thinking.
Sometimes, I wish you wouldn't worry about
being so tough, and just come straight out.
Sometimes, I wish I would just let go of
somethings, and learn to fully trust.
I feel like I'm wasting life away,
holding back, because I'm just so scared,
scared of it all.
People, they just don't understand,
I feel as if I'm walking all alone sometimes,
and no one will ever notice,
because i'll never say,
becasue I'm just so scared,
to give it all away.
and that any bad intentions can be disguised.
I hate knowing that things can change, with one thought.
It's pretty scary.
I get pretty scared a lot.
Afraid I always counteracted some sort of trigger,
and I did something wrong somewhere,
to make someone change their mind.
I'm always afraid of losing everyone,
Afraid of screwing up.
I'm afraid I'll never be good enough,
afraid I'll be a nobody,
that deserves nothing.
I'm so afraid to be by myself,
Because I'm insecure no one will like me.
Sometimes, I wish people could say more,
express more, how much I'm loved.
Sometimes, I wish people wouldn't hold back
on the things they're thinking.
Sometimes, I wish you wouldn't worry about
being so tough, and just come straight out.
Sometimes, I wish I would just let go of
somethings, and learn to fully trust.
I feel like I'm wasting life away,
holding back, because I'm just so scared,
scared of it all.
People, they just don't understand,
I feel as if I'm walking all alone sometimes,
and no one will ever notice,
because i'll never say,
becasue I'm just so scared,
to give it all away.
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